How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Posts Tagged ‘Violence’

Three weeks ago I was drinking at my in laws with my wife. Late in the night her and I had an argument that in truth was fueled by my drinking that night,but it got pretty heated and I wanted to leave. Her mother took my keys and wouldn’t let me leave which only made me more angry, I felt like I was gonna get in trouble if I stayed, and I wanted my keys to my truck but they wouldn’t allow it. I got really mad and was cursing and my wife’s little sister decides to call 911 and tell them to “Keep an eye out to make sure I didn’t leave”. Well they came and actually knocked on the door, where my mother in law granted them entry into the home, it was three officers which began seperating me from them, asking me/them questions. My in laws told them no one was harmed, nothing was broken in the house, that I was intoxicated and angry that I couldn’t vacate. Two of the officers stated “They didn’t know what to do.” and one of them was a county officer, he told the two city officers to take me in for Domestic Violence Harassment. No one pressed charges or anything, I have court 4-20-10. What happened, what should I do?
BTW: When the police arrived I was in bed asleep, had been for some 30 minutes, they woke me and had me get dressed.
Also my wife is going to court with me to defend me that I didn’t harm any one/thing. I already have apologized-to the entire family. I did that after my release from jail (12 hours). That was a must.

I guess the tragedy of Ft. Hood has been on my mind. A good friend of mine for almost twenty years resides in a unit in the downstairs of my parents home with his children. He rents from my parents.He is divorced and ex-army. He has the children most of the time and I helped him with them, but eventually quit all the extra helping because I have children of my own. When he was at Ft. Stewart his wife(he only married her because he got her pregnant), a then civilian, physically abused him on multiple occasions and would call the mps. Chased him w/knife, punched him in the face, etc. On mulitple occasions throughout the marriage his wife(who isn’t very attractive or bright) thought we were involved but we wern’t and harassed me on multiple occasions, one time smashing his phone to pieces and handing back to him in a sandwich baggy. I let it go because I figures she was pretty frustrated and, as a favor to both of them, I didn’t report it to the police. The mps, all the times they went to the home finally figured it out and encouraged him to press charges, he didn’t. She was stable the brief period she was on prozac, but she quit and refused to continue. One day she gave birth to an unannounced baby. She knew she was pregnant and concealed the entire pregnancy(didn’t even tell her mother or id twin with whom she stayed with during part of it). Even though she had abortion in the past, she attempted to physcially exert herself to force a miscarriage and binge-drank vodka a bunch of times in the last trimester until puking. Less than 1% of women conceal entire pregnancies. She became pregnant following an affair w/ another soldier-his comrade while he was deployed, so nobody knows if her ex-hisband is the father. She got no prenatal care whatsoever even though her first baby had been an emergency C-Section. She and the concealed baby almost dies-her husband had to be yanked from a training one morning and was forced to explain why he didn’t know she was pregnant. Her children are often very dirty and behave poorly when they come from her. She has to be pleaded with to brush their hair. She uses them to manipulate extra att from him(beyond what is normal w/regards to the kids). She shows very little interest in them. She asked husband for divorce when he was on leave from Iraq, seven months later 3 days after he returns, she leaves a suicide note out inplain view in her mother’s home and overdoses on pills and requires medical intervention. She leaves the suicide note out for days, so that her divorcing spouse could see it on a rare visit, and he asks her about it. So, suicide attempt, concealed pregnancy, depression meds-all undisclosed to MEPS. She started expressing remorse for her old life with her husband.She was perpetually frustrated that her husband didn’t pay more attention to her, so then she joined the army. She calls her ex-husband crying about her job, her sad life, her latest miscarriage by some random guy, etc. I have said nothing about the weirdness of this all in years, but I’m just wondering if this is the kind of person that becomes violent under the strain of military pressure. I understand a little about batterers, but not about military life. Last year CPS was called on her because the concealed -pregnancy child(who has serious behavioral problems) in ore-school at three kept saying: “Mommy grabbed my neck”. CPS did nothing though-she had CPS involvement at Ft. Stewart as well. I’m just thinking somebody with such a short fuse, and possible mental health issues(it is quite clear if you know more about this that she joined the Army for attention) might be a danger, but IDK. I decided to move myself to another state and stay away from the toxicity, but I just think the propensity for violence here seems high…I mean if we could accurately rely on people to self-report their potential for danger, then we wouldn’t have sex offender registries. I guess I just think people overlook warnings all to often and hindsight is 20/20.
Yggdrasi-This is actually true-very scary. I have known her husband since 1993. I have children of my own so I needed to not get dragged in and decided to stay away from that situation. Those children came to love me and so I was very conflicted about my decision, but I do think there might be potential for danger here. The ex-husband was an only child abused by his single Mom growing up-his Mom is still very domineering-you can see why he overlooks abusive behavior-it is part of a cycle. I feel sorry for the children. The younger one was screened for possible Fetal Alcohol Syndrome last year.=(It’s sad, isn’t it. Because she was never arrested at Ft. Stewart and I never reported the stuff she did to me-she has no criminal background. Ft. Leonard Wood is probably in for a treat-who knows?

What shuold I do? It was really my mistake and I haven’t contact my probation officer yet. If my wife drop my chrge, is everything cleared? I don’t know what should I do..please help me.
What happenede was, My wife was kinda destroying the house, like throwing Tv, pencil,etc…I was trying to stop her and ahe started hitting me. She was drunk at that time. That is even what the officer told me, too. She after that, she wnet outside and call someone to help her. After about an hour, Two officer came to my house and asked me some questions…and arrested me.
I got out of the jail about one hour later and the officer in the jail told me if I don’t show up on the court date, it will be automatically guilty, otherwise, I still have a chance to talk to the judge. That is all….

My wife’s ex has a DUI, drunk on duty charges in the military, a court martial conviction for cocaine use last month, is now being kicked out of the military, tells his son he’s a better person and parent than we are by bringing him into his closet and describing each of his medals on his dress blues to him, tells his son he’s overweight and dumb (even though his son is an athlete and a GATE student), he lives with 4 other adults, one of who is awaiting trial for cocaine possession and distribution. His wife and him also have a mutual restraining order for fighting with their neighbors, where the neighbor’s wife ended up in the hospital. Their neighbors testified against him in his court martial and reported the cocaine dealing initially.

My wife is seeking sole custody, supervised visitation for him until he completes drug treatment, parenting classes, and passes regular drug tests. We live in California.

The newspapers are frequently replete with news about a high-profile domestic violence case where a man or woman is suspected of murdering their wife or husband, with or without a previous history of domestic abuse. How can a person turn from loving and living with a person to beating them up or murdering them? What kind of a person resorts to domestic violence against their spouse or domestic intimate partner? These are some of the questions that come in our mind when we read about such cases.

A common pattern of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive behavior and apologetic behavior with apparently heartfelt promises to change. Domestic abuse often includes child abuse, abuse of a spouse, abuse of a domestic or intimate partner and elder abuse.

Domestic abuse between intimate partners: Domestic abuse between spouses or intimate partners is when one person in a marital or intimate relationship tries to control the other person. The perpetrator uses fear and intimidation and may threaten to use or may actually use physical violence. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called Domestic Voilence.

The victim of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be a man or a woman. Domestic abuse occurs in traditional heterosexual marriages as well as in same-sex partnerships. The abuse may occur during a relationship while the couple is breaking up or after the relationship has ended. The key elements of domestic abuse include intimidation, humiliating the other person and physical injury.

Domestic abuse is not a result of losing control, it is intentionally trying to control another person. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, nonverbal or physical means to gain control over the other person.

Physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner: Physical abuse is the use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person or puts the person at risk of being injured. Physical abuse ranges from physical restraint to murder. When someone talks of domestic violence, they are often referring to physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner.

Physical abuse includes pushing, throwing, kicking, slapping, grabbing, hitting, punching, beating, tripping, battering, bruising, choking, shaking, pinching, biting, holding, restraining, confinement, breaking bones, assault with a weapon such as a knife or gun, burning and even murder.

Emotional abuse or verbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner: Mental, psychological or emotional abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner consists of more subtle actions or behaviors than physical abuse. While physical abuse might seem worse, the scars of verbal and emotional abuse are deep. Studies show that verbal or nonverbal abuse can be much more emotionally damaging than physical abuse.

Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner may include the following:

• threatening or intimidating to gain compliance

• destruction of the victim’s personal property and possessions or threats to do so

• violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended

victim as a way of instilling fear of further violence

• yelling or screaming

• name-calling

• constant harassment

• embarrassing, making fun of or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public or in

front of the family or friends

• criticizing or diminishing the victim’s accomplishments or goals

• not trusting the victim’s decision-making

• telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser

• excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family

• excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be

• saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol and using the substance as an

excuse to say the hurtful things

• blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels

• making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight,

just to “teach them a lesson”

• making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship

Sexual abuse or sexual exploitation of a spouse or intimate partner: Sexual abuse includes the following:

• sexual assault: forcing someone to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity

• sexual harassment: ridiculing another person to try to limit their sexuality or reproductive choices

• sexual exploitation (such as forcing someone to look at pornography or forcing someone to participate in pornographic film-making)

Sexual abuse often is linked to physical abuse; they may occur together or the sexual abuse may occur after a bout of physical abuse.

Stalking: Stalking is harassment of or threatening another person; especially in a way that haunts the person physically or emotionally in a repetitive and devious manner. Stalking of an intimate partner can take place during the relationship, with intense monitoring of the partner’s activities. Stalking can also take place after a partner or spouse has left the relationship. The stalker may be trying to get their partner back or they may wish to harm their partner as punishment for their departure.

Cyberstalking: Cyberstalking is the use of telecommunication technologies such as the Internet or email to stalk another person. Cyberstalking may be an additional form of stalking or it may be the only method the abuser employs. Cyberstalking is deliberate, persistent and personal.

Cyberstalking falls in a grey area of law enforcement. Enforcement of most state and federal stalking laws requires that the victim be directly threatened with an act of violence. Very few law enforcement agencies can act if the threat is only implied.

Economic or financial abuse of a spouse or domestic partner: Economic or financial abuse includes withholding economic resources such as money or credit cards, stealing from or defrauding a partner of money or assets, exploiting the intimate partner’s resources for personal gain, withholding physical resources such as food, clothes, necessary medications or shelter from a partner, preventing the spouse or intimate partner from working or choosing an occupation etc.

Spiritual abuse of a spouse or intimate partner

Spiritual abuse includes the following:

• using the spouse’s or intimate partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate them

• preventing the partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs

• ridiculing the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs

• forcing the children to be reared in a faith that the partner has not agreed to

Domestic Violence in workplace

Domestic violence often plays out in the workplace. For instance, a husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend might make threatening phone calls to their intimate partner or ex-partner. Or the worker may show injuries from physical abuse at home.

The following are the warning signs of domestic abuse in the workplace:

• Bruises and other signs of impact on the skin, with the excuse of “accidents”

• Depression, crying

• Frequent and sudden absences

• Frequent lateness

• Frequent, harassing phone calls to the person while they are at work

• Fear of the partner, references to the partner’s anger

• Decreased productivity and attentiveness

• Isolation from friends and family

• Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car)

Causes of domestic abuse or domestic violence

Individuals living with domestic violence in their households learn that violence and mistreatment are the way to vent anger. For instance, a child’s exposure to his father’s abuse of their mother is one of the factors for transmitting domestic violence from one generation to the next. This cycle of domestic violence is difficult to break because parents have presented violence as the norm.

A person resorts to physical violence because of the following reasons:

• He has solved his problems in the past with violence,

• He has effectively exerted control and power over others through violence, and

• No one has stopped him from being violent in the past.

Some of the immediate causes that can set off a bout of domestic abuse are stress, provocation by the intimate partner, economic hardship such as prolonged unemployment, depression, desperation, jealousy, anger.

Results of domestic violence or abuse: The results of domestic violence or abuse can be very long-lasting. People who are abused by a spouse or intimate partner may develop sleeping problems, depression, anxiety attacks, low self-esteem, lack of trust in others, feelings of abandonment, anger, sensitivity to rejection, diminished mental and physical health, inability to work, poor relationships with their children and other loved ones, substance abuse as a way of coping etc.

Effect of domestic violence on children: Children who witness domestic violence may develop serious emotional, behavioral, developmental or academic problems. As children, they may become violent themselves or withdraw. Some act out at home or school; others try to be the perfect child. Children from violent homes may become depressed and have low self-esteem.

As they develop, children and teens who grow up with domestic violence in the household are more likely to do the following:

• use violence at school or in the community in response to perceived threats

• attempt suicide

• use drugs

• commit crimes, especially sexual assault

• use violence to enhance their reputation and self-esteem

• become abusers in their own relationships later in life.

It is necessary to work out solutions to domestic violence which would include strengthening legal protection for victims of abuse and accountability for abusers. The protective measures for combating domestic violence should be aimed at developing treatment and legal protections to effectively manage the unique issues faced by individuals in abusive relationships.

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