How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Posts Tagged ‘Parents’

So my parents r getting a divorce, my mom doesn’t want to, but my dad says he has never really loved my mom like a wife, and the marriage just won’t work out. I at first was really upset, but then I thought about it and realized that my dad could move closer to my friends, and I could see them more, so the divorce isn’t as bad for me. Its still bad though. But I’m worried that my parents will start drinking or doing drugs, or will be suicidal and depressed, especially my mom because she really loves my dad. Can u help me somehow?
my dad still loves my mom, just not as a wife… so maybe they can stay friends…

I have had parents with adiction my whole life! finally I am happily married for 4 years and have 3 beautiful children. I am suffering because my parents have always had some form of drug/alcohol addiction. Well now they are getting to thier lowest point (eviction, no money) and they refuse to work. They are only inb thier 50s. they only call when they need money or rides. A few weeks ago I gave in and gave them $50 for a “battery” for thier car and I took them to the “dr” only to find out the used the $ for RX drugs and the “dr” was a meth clinic. I can’t do this anymore I am afraid they are going to try to move in with me and I can’t let them because it WILL ruin my marriage and they will not clean up. I think I should cut ties with them. But I feel really bad I am thier only child. But the only thing they have done was cause me heartache my whole life. Now I finally have a good husband and life. Any advice would really be needed

Ok. so Im not perfect. But I will admit. Ive been smoking the green stuff. for a while not around my kids . never.she knew who I was before we got married and had kids. she’s telling me to stop seeing my friends and drugs. I understand. the drug part but my friends that i knew before she did is not fair. she can hang with her friends and I never complain why is that? well after 3 years of marriage she tells me she wants a separation. Here is the thing my first important question is what to do with the kids. I mean she wanted the separation. but why is she taking my kids to her parents leaves me in the apartment all alone with all the kids stuff. which is killing me inside because I love my kids. cant she do this. if she wants separation shouldnt she leave and let me take care of my kids in our own house there food is here there toys crib and bed. I stay at home dad. please someone help what do? I want her back too. and the kids as a family.
Isnt she the one abandoning the house we live in. and taking my kids with out having a normal wife and husband conversation before she takes my kids i consider kidnapping. there is no violence in my home.
these friends never come around my kids. kids are sleeping when i make my decision to go out and have smoke. I dont come home wasted. its not meth or heroin here. its and herb thats gives you 1-2 hour high then its gone. the puff puff is once in a while also. its not every day here guys. second there is more to this bashing of me. so im going to spill the beans. her brother smokes pot also in the house that she is staying right now. so its ok to go to and environment where the pot can be smelled when you walk in. but she wants me to stop smoking but her brother can be around my kids like that right?. hmm. she is not being fair here. she wants me to stop cigarrettes and drinking. but then again her DAD a 2 time DUI car operator can be drunk and smoke cigarretes in front of them is the picture clear here guys im trying to save my marriage but im not going to let the fingers fall all on me.

My wife and i are both 27 been together since we were both 16 and well she has stuck with me through some extremely rough crap. I battled being addicted to heroin and i was an alcoholic both i got addicted to at around age 14 so yeah and my wife was the reason i got clean her and my 3 sons. Well i have been clean from both for 4 years and i am very accountable to the point that i take drug tests once a week to prove to everyone including my wife that there faith in me was justified and everything. Well my wife told me today that she is pregnant with our 4th and our last since i am going to have a vasectomy done and everything. Sorry for babbling well anyways her parents hate me like they go out of there way to make me feel sh itty about my past mistakes and everything and there just always mean and hateful to me. My wife tells me to just ignore em because they think i am not good enough and everything. Would you hate your wifes husband for this? Even though i have gotten clean and everything.

ah….train wreck…. here you go:

got married two months ago. it’s the second marriage for both of us. i have a child from a previous relationship who is under 10 (who also comes to see us every other weekend). she has no children. wife’s parents are alcoholic (or recovering for the past 18 years), nice folks, but really hardcore AA folks. they weren’t around all that much during our dating stages, even though they live 20 minutes away (well… we are adults, so that isn’t all that odd). they “approve” of the wedding, even have a big ole party when we got engaged. hosted our reception too. in the two months since, her mother comes over when i’m at work (wife works from home), and disappears before i get home. we’ve gone to eat with them on 5 different occasions. last weekend, her mom calls to “remind” her daughter that her brother and her father are both military veterans
her mother goes on to say “we’ve been giving you all this space, but we don’t ever see you now that you are married”. the guilt gets thick, and my wife is declared bad because she has fallen off the earth in two months. her parents then come over at 1pm that day, first thing in the door… they say “you are more miserable now then you ever were in your first marriage” …the next thing said was “both of you need to sit here at the table, we need to have a word with you”. the list of things that are “wrong” with our marriage “we don’t know (your husband).”, “you don’t talk to anyone”, “having your husband’s son come over is NOT normal – you should stop that”. i’m asked my opinion of “this situation”. i refuse to give my opinion for fear it add to the damage that they’ve just caused.
they leave, my wife is in tears, i’m irate. they never call to apologize. her mother does call her daughter to request to do things…. as though nothing has happened…. we are supposed to go to their house for thanksgiving and have dinner with her parents and a bunch of AA friends of theirs. I am completely against this because I don’t want them to be ugly to my son, or for me to have to be ugly in front of him in order to develop a boundary that her parents don’t realize should be there. So, we have some friends who are stuck here (1500 miles from their families) who want to have thanksgiving. we’ve taken them up on the offer. my wife’s parents have gone ballistic now. they called yesterday morning to explain that they do not like me at all. they do want to keep up with their daughter, but want nothing to do with me. this morning, we’ve found out we are pregnant, which is an obvious tripping point for the “hate your husband” routine. how can this be sorted out?
guess i should have warned at first that i’d have to do this in multiple editions, sorry. *_*

We haven’t been able to find a lawyer that will talk to us about this without wanting to charge for a simple answer to the question… “Can we do this?”

My wife and I want to keep my parents and her parents from getting custody of our daughter should something happen and we die. We have people picked out to care for her should something happen to us.

I’ve heard that this is common, for the grandparents to get custody (we have no other family members) Neither of them have arrests, or anything that would pointedly show they are unfit. However, her parents are abusive and her mother is a prescription drug addict. My parents are neglectful, my father is an “functional” alcoholic and my mother is flat out crazy but has never been diagnosed (we suspect she is majorly bi-polar) and she abuses prescription drugs to an extent as well.

We have no documents, or major proof other than our experiences with them. We have Godparents chosen, but don’t know if a Will would set this in stone, and keep them from getting custody.

We are letting my parents visit on occassion, but we never leave them alone and they only stay for a day at a time. Her parents we have no contact with whatsoever and they don’t even know our daughters name (but they are spiteful and vindictive enough to try and get her if we passed away).

Basically, our parents are shitheads. My father is an attorney so I’m worried he would be able to find a way around whatever we try to do.

We haven’t been able to find a lawyer that will talk to us about this without wanting to charge for a simple answer to the question… “Can we do this?”

PARENTING PARENTS
As Mary grew up, her parents had a happy marriage, and both held down well-paying jobs. Both parents suffered from alcoholism and smoked, but in most other ways, they were good parents. They always attended school functions and generally provided for a sound education, her good health, and her happiness. In high school, Mary dealt with some anxiety about her parents’ health by attending Al-Anon meetings to help her understand their addiction. She was comforted by her parents’ ability to continue functioning well despite their addiction, and Al-Anon’s suggestions for dealing with their choices.

After Mary left for college, however, she noticed changes in her parents. When she came home winter break from college, she noticed that her parents had new prescriptions for strong narcotic pain medication for “back pain,” which they had never suffered from before. They now used the medication as an additional intoxicant with their alcohol, and often in excess of the recommended dosage, clearly in violation of the warning labels. Mary felt as though her parents were abusing the drugs, and brought this up with them. They replied that there was nothing wrong with the medication, that it was legally prescribed, and that they had no intention of quitting use of the drug.

Over time, she noticed that their prescriptions increased in quantity and potency, and she became increasingly concerned. During summer vacation, she noticed that they would take the medication first thing in the morning, and continue taking it all day long. One morning, her mother forgot to take the medication and was sick by lunchtime. Mary felt certain that this was a side effect of strong addiction, and that something had to be done.

Mary was worried about how her possible actions might affect her relationship with her parents. She was concerned about the effects on her older brother, his wife, and two children. She knew that her parents were active in the community and at church, and she didn’t want to damage their reputations. She also wondered whether her parents’ doctor would even discuss their health with her given current privacy laws and doctor-patient privilege. Additionally, Mary was concerned that, if her parents lost a legal source for the medication, given the addiction she suspected they suffered from, they might seek similar drugs on the street which would be more costly and much more dangerous.

What should Mary do about her parents’ apparent abuse of and addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol?

I am a middle aged man. My daughter, 10, and former wife would occasionally go to visit my parents house, to visit and cut Mom’s hair.
Last time it got ugly with grandpa crossing a line with a little too much affection with my daughter’s mother, he also would not let go of her. She also said that my daughter stated, quote”Grandpa was acting funny” When I attempted to contact my Mother via phone, he answered and said “stop being an A#$hole, goodbye” I assume he thinks I told my daughter’s mother not too go there any more but it was her decision. I do feel bad for my mother, but codependency and denial is rampant in that house; I don’t know what to do.
I am tired of the old mans behavior,smoking indoors, drinking to excess, age-innapropriate references; he has been difficult for years, and my daughter’s well being is my main priority as a parent.

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Medical pot can cost parents in custody disputes
While medical marijuana laws can protect patients from criminal charges, they typically haven’t prevented judges from considering a parent’s marijuana use in custody matters.

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My wife just got home from work (She works 8PM-3AM, it is 4 AM) and she told me that she found Cannabis (marijuana) in our 16 year old sons bed room when she was cleaning it out yesterday before work. We are both infuriated at him! We don’t know what to do though, if we call the cops, we lose him. If we ground him, he will just find something else to do, or sneak out. We don’t want him to do either, but we don’t want to ignore this as well. What should we do?
Were I live, if I called the cops on him, they would take him away from us, put him in Juvenile hall, for a few months, then put him in a foster family, we wouldn’t get to see him any more.
Zanneh,

She was cleaning his room, so that way it doesn’t look like a pig sty when we have guests tomorrow, we trusted him, we don’t go into his room “snooping” around.
He gets passing grades (b’s, and a’s), never gets in trouble, never talks back, does what he is told to do. We are absolutely shocked that he is doing this! Its just not like him.

Help for Parents with Addicted Children

Are you enabling your Child to continue in the Addiction Process?

Addiction to drugs and alcohol among our children covers the entire social and economic spectrum in our society. Many ascribe addiction to poor parenting, however while poor parenting can contribute to the addiction problem, good parenting does not prevent it. Some families have one addicted child while their other children, living in the same environment, do not become addicts. So whether you are certain your son or daughter is not addicted, suspect they may be addicted or know that they are addicted, you may want to read more of this article. You will find help on recognizing addiction, learning what you may be doing to enable it and what you can do to help your son or daughter and to help yourself deal with it.

Recognizing Addiction in Your Son or Daughter

Parents are often the last to recognize addiction in their children. Studies have shown that about 4% of parents of 9 to 11 year olds believe their child may have used drugs while about 25% of these children admit to doing so. There are several reasons for this. The children get very good at hiding alcohol and drug use from their parents while parents do not want to believe it to be possible. In addition, there is a judgmental attitude that drug and alcohol use is the result of poor parenting so parents deny the problem even in the face of strong evidence to the contrary. Here are some questions to help you determine if your son or daughter has the disease of addiction.

1. Do you have relatives on either or both sides of your family who are addicted? Genetics plays a large role and sometimes the disease skips a generation or two.

2. Have you found evidence of drug use in your home such as marijuana joints, empty liquor containers (either theirs or yours) or drug paraphernalia? Children will go to great lengths to hide alcohol and drug use from parents, so if they are leaving evidence this is an indication they have lost control of their use.

3. Have you seen a major change in behavior such as grooming habits, loss of interest in family activities, studying habits, withdrawing, depression, new friends, belligerence, extreme defensiveness, etc.?

4. Has your son or daughter gotten a MIP or DUI, been charged with shoplifting or theft?

5. Do they tell you that they are not affected by drinking alcohol or can drink more than their peers? This usually is perceived as good thing by an addict but actually indicates they have developed a high tolerance because of excessive use.

6. Have you seen burns on their fingers or lips, needle marks, or sores on their nose and face?

7. Has your son or daughter lost weight or developed a poor appetite?

8. Do they have money problems and refuse to explain how it is being spent?

Hopefully these questions will help you decide whether there is a problem or not. If you believe there is, you must begin by understanding what is and is not enabling behavior and how to avoid it.

Are You Enabling Your Child in the Addiction Process?

If you are like most parents, your initial response to addiction in a child is “We are going to fix this problem?” The common initial thoughts of parents faced with an addicted child will include, I’m going to punish my child, or I’ll lecture him about the problems with doing drugs or alcohol, or I’ll ground him until he is 30!! However, these attitudes probably will do little to alleviate the problem. Instead they probably increase the desire in your child to abuse substances. This approach, among many others that keep the addiction process going, is called “Enabling Behavior”. After attending Al Anon meetings for a while, it becomes easier to make the distinction between what is enabling behavior and what is helping behavior. You will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you. The following story illustrates the point.

As fathers, when our kids…even our adult kids, get into life threatening situations, sometimes it is just not possible to say “detach with love” and walk away…at least it wasn’t for me.

My alcoholic ex-wife actually schooled our oldest son with her addiction to wine. She created her own “drinking buddy,” and, because he was 17 and in the midst of those rebellious “dad’s an idiot” times, she won real favor with him by encouraging this “adult behavior.”

By the time he was 18, his mother and I had separated, so, with me out of the house, this boy really “took over the house.”

One night after work I received a panicky call from our youngest son. His older brother had beaten him up and threatened to kill him in a drunken rage. The boy was sobbing.

I had to do something. But before I did, I called my sponsor, who also had a son about my son’s age, and had successfully gotten him into treatment. My sponsor added a compassionate but detached good sound mind to my panic. Together we worked out a plan where I called the DA’s office first, found out that the older son could be charged with a misdemeanor and arrested. Then, when I confronted the boy I had a strong arrow in my quiver.

I used what we call in the program the “broken record” technique. I just repeated over and over the same message to him in the face of his bluster. It went something like this:

“I understand, but I want you to know that I have this option, and if there is any harm done, or even another threat of harm, I will have you arrested.”

Guess what? After I drove over and picked up his brother and got him to safety I called the older brother back. He was looking through the newspaper trying to find a job so that he could leave the house. But we never had another threat of violence against his younger brother. So how did this all end?

Well, my oldest son went through his various adventures, hit a bottom, came into AA, and started his recovery. He married a talented woman who became a nurse, went back to school, received his GED, then went on to a state-operated college and graduated Summa Cum Laude. He has made me a Grandfather twice over, and at this moment serving as a phenomenal teacher.

After my divorce from his mother, his younger brother moved in with my new Al-Anon wife and me. After a difficult period with counseling for four years, and some tragedy, he graduated from a state-operated college, and then found Al-Anon. That led to a great sponsor, professional counseling, his finding his own church and his deciding that he wanted to enter the ministry. He graduated went back to school, graduated from divinity school, and now, after a long stint as an associate pastor, has his own church.

A huge thank you to Al-Anon, Darrell my Al Anon sponsor, my new life with this incredible wife, my fantastic sons, and God.

What you can do to help yourself and to help your son or daughter

Prior to making any hasty decisions after learning your child is addicted, it would be beneficial to remember that we are ill equipped to deal with numerous issues that are involved in addiction. You need to get your child help either through a 12 step support group, professional addiction counselor or both. Along with your child’s recovery, you need to seek assistance in dealing with the pain, uncertainty, fear and insanity that are normal for parents of addicted children. The first healthy thought you should engage is that you did not cause the addiction, you can’t cure the addiction and you can’t control the addiction.

Some specific things you can do:

1. Focus on creating a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home. Resist the urge to yell by focusing on saying what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean.

2. Focus on you and not your child. Your and his recovery will be better. Only seek to control yourself rather than your child.

3. It is important for both parents to work together by setting boundaries that define what will and will not be allowed in your home along with the consequences of behavior that is not allowed.

4. Be patient and don’t resent the method of recovery. Recovery of the addict may or may not materialize and chances are that if recovery does occur it will not be a result of what you did rather it will be the result of another addict doing 12 step work in carrying the message of experience, strength and hope to fellow addicts.

5. Keep a sense of humor and gratitude. These help when dealing with crisis.

6. Remember that your child has a higher power. Fortunately, you are not it because you are powerless over the disease of addiction. This frees you up to focus on you and your recovery.

7. Maintain hope that things can get better. This hope will keep you sane and help you with your responsibilities.

8. Do attend a 12 step recovery program for co-dependents and do get a sponsor. You will find out that you are not alone and that there is help.

Okay, so this is not the way you thought the family history would unfold when your child was born. Resentment, shame and anger are probably consuming your thoughts when you see your child. By following the steps outlined above, however, and making a commitment to the recovery process for yourself, you will find serenity, joy and freedom whether your child’s addiction continues or not. Often, the child also gets into recovery after they see the changes in your behavior. Addiction resulting in recovery may be the impetus to get your life restarted and refocused on the things that truly matter such as service to others, compassion, acceptance and honesty.