sorry this is in marriage but I figured more experienced people would be in this forum did not want to deal with teenage responses

In my frustration, I call him a cracker and a white piece of trash every time we argue. But yesterday, it got worse. Alex and I were riding in a car with my coworker/friend Nick and his wife Emma. Nick and Emma are both white by the way. I always felt that Nick could do so much better than Emma because Emma comes off as a stuck up, self-centered HOE. Plus, I can just sense that my husband and Emma want each other because they act too flirty. Anyway, the four of us were in the car coming back from Maryland. Nick was driving with Emma in the passengers seat. Alex and I were in the back. Alex and I had a huge argument because he refused to answer my question if he was interested in going back to white women or not. I called him a cracker and I told him that my BLACK ex boyfriend was more of a man than he will ever be(in and out of the bedroom). I also told him that I’m having sex with other men and they’re all black(I lied but I said it just to piss him off). I proceeded to call him his RACIST mother right in front of him and call her every b*tch and whore in the book. But Alex grabbed my cell phone and then I lost control and punched Alex in the face. We had a huge physical fight in the car. My nose was bleeding and Alex had scratches all over his face, neck and chest plus I blacked his eye and ripped his shirt. Nick and Emma had to pull over in the middle of the highway just to break us up. They were PISSED. Now, it’s been over 24 hours since Alex and I talked. I’m crying because I love him. I’m expecting Alex to pick our son up from his godfather’s house tonight, so I’ll see him then. I know I was wrong but did I come off as racist or is he racist? Who was wrong and what should I do? If I didn’t love this man so much I wouldn’t even need advice.

after about a year i desired to go to school, but the only school with my program was about 100 miles away. i registered for classes anyway, figuring i would stay in a hotel or something for the 2 nights a week i had to be there, and soon found a part time room mate who quickly became my best friend. hanging out with him and other people who weren’t so caught up in church quickly roused that old resentment of religion in me, and over the last 2 years those doubts have grown into a new philosophy. over the last year i have tried to talk to my wife about it, and she has always reacted vary badly, talking about how she felt like i lied to her about what i believe, and then she would go into a sort of denial, acting like it never happened. this fostered a lot of resentment between both of us, and we began to argue a lot. in the last couple weeks i have finally accepted that i cant keep pretending i believe something i don’t. i started a blog (that no one has read yet AFAIK) and started writing about my change in views, to try and bring my thoughts into a more clear perspective. i also confronted my wife about it. she went nuts, she said that she felt betrayed and that i didn’t like her anymore, because i was so unhappy. she said she was afraid i was going to leave her for a friend of mine who i grew up with and had kept it touch with (in her defense i should point out my wife is aware that this woman and i did have feelings for each other when we where like 13, but nothing ever came of it, i told my wife that before i introduced her to this friend about 4 years ago). after my wife calmed down a bit, i explained to her that this had nothing to do with leaving her, that I’ve been angry and frustrated because her reactions have created a hostile environment in our relationship that i cant tolerate anymore, that i need to be able to be honest about who i am and that if i cant do that then this is not a functioning marriage. she conceded that she was wrong, and admitted that i deserve to be free to be myself, but ever since she has been vary cold. we are still doing things together but there is a distance there, and we have decided to go to a counselor. the thing that pushed it over the edge though is that tonight she told me she cant have kids with me, that she wont bring a child into the world to be confused by parents with different views, and i understand her reasoning, but we both really want kids. the only reason we are living where we are now is because she wanted to move close to her parents to have kids, and i wanted kids. i gave up any chance of having my dream job to come here and start a family, and now she is saying that wont happen. i know what my options are, but i’m really confused and don’t know what the right thing to do is. should i give it a shot and see if we can be happy together? or is this the end…
i think my post was too long and some of what i was getting at was too vague. i’m not a christian anymore, i was so burned by it that i want nothing to do with it.

i’m wondering now if we should even stay together, we both want kids, but she says she wont have them with me. i dont think its good for us to both be unhappy because we are afraid to move on. i’m just really confused about how i should proceed.
i don’t think she feels divorce is wrong, i think she is just as afraid as i am of facing life without each other. we have already been together through more than most marriages at such a young stage could handle, and that was before this happened.

i really hope that i dont give the impression that i lied to her about what i believed, i expressed what i was feeling to the people around me as best i could at the time, but then the only way i know how to express it was in terms that someone of faith would use when their faith is feeling weak, it wasnt till a year after we where married that i realized that the problem was deeper, that i was weighing the evidence for my beliefs and they came up wanting. i realized that (for me at least) it was all based on fear of hell and fear of steping out on my own, and thats not how i want to live.
i think it boils down to i was too young to get married. i thought i was pretty mature (i was running a successful business for awhile, i had a big head from that), i though that i new myself and what i wanted and that what i was feeling was the typical waxing and waining of faith that most religious people feel.

in fact i was very immature and my sense of who i am was based on the approval of those around me. i was still like a child in that way
thanx amy that was really good advice.
i really dont think its a rebellion thing though, i was really rebelious as a teenager and this is different. i’ve always had issues with my mom and if it weren’t for my dads health and him not being able to drive anymore i would have cut her off years ago, that was before i even realized how my beliefs where changing.

the one thing my wife and i do agree on is that kids are out of the question now. my problem with the subject is that now that i have forced her to stop denying how i have changed, she doesent want kids with me at all, and i dont want the option taken off the table.

i also worry about how our relationship will be after we have kids. my dad did share the same beliefs as my mom, he just wasn’t active while she was a zealot. my wife isn’t so zealous but she is still a pentecostal, where as i think its all a crock of $#!+

One night when everyone went to a loud bar for after work drinks, he admitted to me (slightly inebriated) that he and his wife had been having problems for years now. He wasn’t wearing his ring and neither did she anymore. This kind of intoxicated me, but I still dropped the idea. After all, he is MARRIED and about 15 years older then me.

Just recently, we had been kind of flirty again. His wife drives me crazy. She calls the office 14 times a day demanding to speak to him and fighting with him. We have this inner-office instant messaging system and him and I constantly talk on it. I have felt very close with him because we are so much alike, and even tho he is my boss, I can tell him anything and everything about me and he hasn’t been judgmental or held it against my work.

We went out one night for drinks and I got very drunk, and on the car ride home I confessed to him that I has the hots for him since day one, and that I fantasize about him. We made out, did a little heavy petting and then I went home. The next day he had asked if I had regrets and I didn’t. We have been dirty talking, extra flirty, and he even told me how he and his wife haven’t had sex in 7 months (which I feel bad. I am a firm believer that men run on sex, and as long as they work hard, they deserve as much as they want. If the dude is unemployed bum who plays video games, no sex. haha). So, I feel bad and I want to be able to give him all that stuff he is missing out on. I like him alot, but when I think about it, we are in different stages of our lives and if he were single I don’t think I would date him. We have agreed to be friends with benefits, and neither of us has done something like this before. He told me he is slightly worried my feelings will get hurt, which they will, but I do really want that side action from him.

So my question is…. how DO I keep myself emotionally unattached? Especially when he seems to actually like me as well.

I just got into a verbal fight with a good friend of mine. I’m 21 and he’s 22. I’m single. He’s married. His wife is basically a complete B…..I….T….C….H. He does a lot of stuff for her, and she does nothing but use him. He feels that he needs to talk to me about this because I help calm him when some thing transpires between him and his wife. And he also likes when I give him suggestions. In a nut shell, here is how his wife acts. He asked his wife to take their 2 year old baby to the doctor because of a really bad cough he has. She said she can’t because she had a headache and she commented that “he will get it over it with some cough syrup”. I told my friend, his name is Aaron, I told him then you should take your son to the doctor to be checked out. He had no gas in his car, but he could have used his wife’s jeep (which he BOUGHT for her). The wife told him this “if you take my jeep, I will call the cops and report it stolen”. His wife is very immature.

Aaron pays for her car insurance. Tomorrow he is going to call the insurance company and take her off his insurance plan and now she will not be able to drive her jeep because she will have no insurance. I am pressing him very hard to do this. Because I have a feeling that he won’t stick to his guns. I’m so pissed that his wife would not let him use the jeep to take the baby to the doctor. So, I told Aaron, the next time she uses the jeep, call the police and make a report that she’s operating a motor vehicle with no insurance and then she can get ticketed for it.

And then just in general she is a complete B….I…T..C…H. She doesn’t work a job, she only goes to college. She doesn’t do much housework. She doesn’t clean up after dinner. Aaron basically does it all. He’s an EMT and a volunteer firefighter. He can’t risk taking her jeep because if she calls and reports it, he could get arrested and he cannot risk a criminal record because of his position. Actually, he’s considering a career as a police officer like me.

His wife claims she cannot do the housework or clean because of her bad back….but yet she has the strength to pick up and hold the baby and take him out with her and put him in the car seat, etc., etc. Her bad back is just an excuse.

He wants to get a divorce but he cannot right now.

Also…..his wife’s parents do drugs. He has given her family so much money and they never paid him back. I told him….he should go to the police and file a report that her parents do drugs. And then a judge can sign a warrant. I told him the whole point of this is to make her side of the family miserable, since that is what they are doing to him. And later on in time when he files for separation, I don’t think the judge will allow her parents to be associated with their baby since they are around drugs.

Do you have any suggestions I can give him? his wife makes him so miserable. See… I am the kind of guy who is always on a short fuse……… I couldn’t take this crap that she’s giving him. I would be furious if I was him. My friend is more hurt than anything.

Anyways……while I was talking to Aaron earlier, I told him “something tells me that you are not going to take her off your insurance”………….and then I kept going on and saying “you probably wont’ do anything I tell u anyways…you are probably just gonna let it go”……..then he told me “you don’t think I’m gonna do anything?”…. I said “yes”…….and then he hung up. He claims I got no faith in him.

What do I do? What can I do to help me? what can I suggest to him?
“What can I do to help me” — i meant to say “what can I do to help him”

He’s only been married for 2 years.

I am just wondering why someone would do something like that? Personally, I wouldn’t talk about my marriage at work—no matter how many problems I was having. He is still her husband and she is betraying their marital trust by involving outsiders, instead of a meeting up with a marriage therapist! I am not defending him or her in this instance. I personally think that her husband is still acting out on his bachelor days gone by and is obviously NOT attracted to her sexually anymore. Why would he rather watch amateur college girls and not have sex with his own wife? I personally think he is probably two seconds away from cheating on her—if he already hasn’t done so. As for her, she really needs to seek therapy herself or get out of the marriage. Bring up their problems at work is really showing a lack of respect towards herself and their (obviously shaky) marriage. I just really feel bad for their 3 children.

I am just really tired of hearing her talk about this and can’t really vent too many people. Don’t be afraid to leave some honest feedback on this subject. Thanks!

so, Again the question is do you expect your wife to do her utmost to keep your focus?

I’ve tried MATCH.COM and another site, but I always get the same answer, sometimes immediately. Either women:

1. Just don’t want to date anyone that’s a recovering addict/alcoholic.

2. Don’t want to date anyone that doesn’t drink.

I was just hoping someone could tell me why?

I’m 45, single, live alone and a pretty nice guy. Women in recovery generally don’t date men in recovery. I don’t think i’ll ever find a wife.

It’s been a few years now, and I find myself so lonely that I think of suicide alot.

You can only imagine what happened…if interested, write an email and I’ll give you details :o)

But to make a long story short, my wife finally confessed to having an affair with him. However, she says that the affair had just started and that the baby is REALLY mine. I don’t know…Im Mexican, she’s white, and Terry is white. The kid has my ears and general looks, but he also has blue eyes like him. So, I don’t know how far back it really goes. My wife had broken up with him before coming down to the movies with me and that’s why he flipped, because she wanted to be with me and not with him. My wife also tells me that their “thing” was more about money than anything, he had money I didn’t have to give her and he got lucky. She didn’t really want to be with him. Again, I don’t know.

I do know that Terry was VERY angry at her and me because I didn’t just let her go like I was supposed to. Terry wanted her REALLY BAD!, but he doesn’t realise that we have a family together and there is NO WAY she would let me go with so much at stake. I think that Terry saw this as an opportunity to make up for lost time….He is almost 50 and my wife is 27 (I know, sick hu?) and I’m 34. He f****d up his own family before cause of drugs and here he sees a nice little family that he could maybe squeeze into..in the process squeezing me out. We r still trying to work it out, but I don’t know what to do. and then the baby? does their thing really go back for almost two years? Can I ever forgive her? Please, help me sleep :o)

Thanks for your time.

On the list he mentions his needs as a woman “Not Being Needy” and a woman “Not being Manipulative” and as a requirement she has to “Be Purpose Driven”.

Here’s my situation:

I have been married for 9 years. I am a housewife(even though I held full-time job for 4 years of the marriage and made more than my husband).

My husband left me 3 times in the first 3 years of the marriage and then came back. I made the decision to dumb down, and take jobs making less money or sometimes no job at all. When I did this, my husband became happier and stopped leaving me, so I exchange a career for a happy marriage (6 years happy – so I thought).

I don’t have children(can’t get pregnant).

I have a bachelors degree in management but am unsure as to what, I want to do with my life (I lack real purpose in my life, I don’t know what to do about that – I prayed, I educated myself, I read self help books, I tried different kinds of jobs in different fields, I’m running out of options).

Whenever I work, If I am not content with the job, my husband says, “if you don’t like it then you can come off the job baby”. He also says that my attitude changes when I work. So I am confused , when he says that he wants a wife that is not needy!

Please help! When I dated my husband I knew how to conduct my self. I basically had the attitude that I could do anything I wanted and that I need nobody to support me for anything! But then I heard people saying that a husband needs to feel likes he’s needed in the relationship. When I started this behavior my marriage got way better but I lost myself in the process…

Isn’t a woman suppose to be “one” with her husband, and isn’t he suppose to take care of his wife needs? and isn’t it hard not to be needy, when you can only date that one man, for the rest of yur life(before I got married – I had lots of friends and some of them were considered to be friends with occasional benefits(but I stopped these friendships when my husband proposed to me)?

However in the last year or 2 (which would be many years after having children so that is no longer a viable excuse), she has gained an enormous amount of weight. She weighs more than I do now. It is entirely her fault because she refuses to exercise and will not give up the baked goods and soda (which she binges on). Obesity and heart disease runs in her family, (especially her mother) and I feel like she is on a fast track to just that. I am more worried for her health, self esteem, and quality of life than anything.

However what makes it a little worse is that I have become gradually better looking and getting in better shape since the day we met, while she has gone the complete opposite. I’m a bit of a nutrition and fitness freak, and I have tried literally every approach to involve her and get her motivated. I’ve even broken down and told her that I NEED her to be a part of my hobby because I have no workout partners and I just want to spend time with her more than anything…still nothing. I’ve tried cooking healthy for her, I’ve tried being nice and upping her self esteem telling her she looks great, and I’ve also tried the polar opposite which neither made her budge. I want HER to be happy more than anything and I know she is not happy with herself, yet she chooses to do nothing about it. This brings me to my next issue. The fact that she is basically turning into her mother, who to the extreme has no regard for her own health, is what has lowered my attraction to her. This makes sex completely undesireable for me.

I have 3 options now:

1.force myself somehow to change my feelings about the situation and just have not so good sex with her for the rest of my life or until she somehow miraculously decides to change.

2.look at porn, which I have been doing because it does keep me from choosing option 3 to an extent, although I feel like I am addicted to it and I’d rather not look at all.

3.I have been bartending for years @ nightclubs and on a weekly basis have very attractive women give me their numbers or invite me home with them, and believe it or not even after everything I have NEVER cheated. But I fear that the longer my marriage goes on like this, I could give in to this option.

So how do I stop the porn AND avoid option 3?!?!?
Yeah its def not baby fat, that was 5 years ago. She gained about 60lbs, 30 of it being in the last year or so. I’m worried for her health. Physically I was never turned off by her weight, its only now because of her mentality that she will not change anything, i have no respect for that.

Yes I am married with kids and I bartend at a nightclub, but this is my career that I have been doing for years and I have never strayed. I also do contract work but the economy is not so good right now and I have to do what I have to do to support my family. And you ask me what I’m doing with my brain? I’m what some people might call a muscle geek. I build computers and play video games, I teach music lessons, there is actually ALOT that I do thank you. Healthy eating/exercise is just a passion of mine because it’s something that completely changes the way you live and experience life and something I think EVERYONE should experience. So it hurts when I know the person I love most wont.

I still can not get over my wife cheating. I feel like such a fool. My wife cheated on me when I was working. I tried my best to support my family and she goes out and cheats. What makes me even angrier is that while I was working she would leave our two little boys with our neighbours. Our neighbours are fine people the woman is ok but the man is a freakin’ alcoholic and my wife left out children is his presence while she’s out doing God knows what. How do I deal with that?

I am seriously contemplating leaving her every day but I just think about my two sons and the life they’ll have if my wife & I get a divorce. After all this I still love my wife. I still remember the beautiful girl that I fell in love with when I was 18. When I found out she cheated, my wife was really remorseful and loving. I still cannot shake the image out of my head where my wife is with another man. It hurts so badly. Any advice?

The problem is, I’m unsure what a wife or a potential wife would want from me. I’m 45, a little overweight, a recovering alcoholic and have had lots of girlfriends in my life. I wanted to marry the last one, but I screwed it all up by drinking and cheating on her. I never want to go back there again.

I’ve never been married before, and find alot of women are looking for a second or third husband and think that there is something wrong with me.

I did start a multi-million dollar software company, which failed in 2003, but I’m trying again. (I started it in 1987 when i got sober the first time)

What do you think is wrong with this picture. Do you think I’d never find a wife? That’s what I want most from life.

What can I do to make myself attractive enough so that some woman that I’m equally attracted to will marry me?

NO DATING SERVICE SPAMS PLEASE

She did pot in high school and did not do it again(as far as I know) until the boarder incident.

Yes, I do now suspect she had previous affairs(she does not admit to it). When she worked at one company she started working late with no answer of phone and went in Saturdays and sunday to work. But was not bringing home any overtime pay…???

I fear that things are at the point of divorce. We have gone down two seperate paths..

Has any Married couple been through this? maybe not for the same reason but the same problem…She seems to have no interest in it or me..She says it is not me but she is unwilling to find out what it is…….I know she is not cheating etc. She goes to AA meetings 3 x a week. How much time is enough time before YOu would look elsewhere.
Update-
It is just not the physical part-(grown up discussion) a guy can handle that -hell look at porn and handle it—-I know that sounds crass but it is a way it can be done——-hell thats the only argument we have———”you look atporn” GOD lady we havent touched each other in 3 years…..

the funny thing is–is I honestly love her but am just growing tired of growing tired–if you know what I mean—-

Maybe wI will suggest we talk to someone (she wont) then Perhaps I have to do something else……….any wifes in Mass in the same fix-we can help each other out (kdding-not by much)
Menace,

Thanks for the answer. I know and understand what your saying. When I speak to her about our relationship she says she still loves me, and wants to stay together and there definitly is no one else etc. I believe her. Drunk or sober she is the most honest person i Know. She will not tell a “white lie’ to any of the kids. I think she has some clinical depression and is not dealing with some issues that are bothering her. I would welcome her saying lets figure a way to split- hell I have offered-if it was that she has had ample time to say yes—–just what it is though i do not know—–perhaps I will give it one more try and if not successful perhaps move on. The funny thing is that during her drinking period we had some serious family problems and we made it-I stuck by when she was drinking-I want to stick by when she is sober…I just dont want to be a brother….