How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Posts Tagged ‘funny’

The short version is they were mad at him over losing the lawsuit over the rights to his name and they wanted to show Bret Hart if he didn’t come back for the DVD, they would trash one of their best people so they did it. Most of that DVD was BS as fans who have followed wrestling closely know.

They are begging him to come do the HOF this year. They are under a microscope after the Benoit tragedy and even more Wrestler deaths since: Test, Umaga, etc. And Warrior has adjusted to life after wresting better than any other wrestler. He got out of the business at the right time and now he is financially comfortable with a beautiful family, is still married to his first and only wife, no drug problems, and he still is in great health and even still has a killer physique. Compare that to guys like Jake the Snake or Billy Jack Haynes who’s lives are a total mess, and they are lucky to be alive. Hell, look at all the marriage, family, and financial problems Hulk and Flair have had over the last 3 years!

Anyway, Warrior has a house in Arizona where the HOF is taking place and they still don’t have a headlining main eventer to go in this year. They’ve contacted him, they’ve put him in the WWE opening montage, HHH referred to him in a promo with Shemus, etc. Looks like they are really trying to put him in.

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve retained their sense of humor with the following:

“YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF….”

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Jeff Foxworthy comments on Muslims

“YOU MIGHT BE A MUSLIM IF…”

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. Your cousin is president of the United States <<

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve retained their sense of humor with the following.

‘YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…’

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon ‘unclean.’

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, ‘I love what you’ve done with your cave.’

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You once had a crush on your neighbor’ goat.

Here is a good prank. When your son/daughter is asleep tonight, sneak into his/her room and inject him/her with heroin! He/she will sleep right through it, and if he/she doesn’t, who cares? Repeat this process every night for 3 months, then stop. He/she will go into such violent and debilitating withdrawals that you cannot help but laugh! He/She will suffer the addiction for the rest of his/her life! OMG LOL LOL!!!! You two will laugh so hard when you tell him/her the truth several years down the line! My wife still thinks it’s funny, and I did it to my kid 4 years ago!

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

Man : My wife will kill me.

Bartender : Take her some candy.

Man : She is on a diet.

Bartender : Take her some flowers.

Man : She has allergies.

Bartender : Tell her a poem.

Man : She loves poems… But I don’t know any.

Bartender : Here is one for you. The Bartender recites:

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS
BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE
-”Shakespeare”

Man : I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to
himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

Wife : You better not have been drinking!

Man : Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife : It had better be good.

The man starts to recite the poem…

YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH ..
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS.
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.

1)A cop stops a drunkard and asks him:
cop: Where r you going?
Dru: I’m going to listen to the lecture on the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
cop: At night? And who will give a lecture?
Dru: My wife and mother-in-law!

2)At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying “You are next, you are next.”
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals…!!

3)God thought that since he couldn’t be everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn’t be everywhere he made a mother-in-law

Fresh out of rehab for difficulties with alcoholism and sensitivity training as a result of his anti-Semitic remarks, Mel Gibson has demanded that Michael Richards, or “Kramer” from the hit series “Seinfeld,” apologize for his recent racist outburst. The incident occurred at a Hollywood comedy club where Richards called two black men in the audience the “n-word” and enthusiastically referenced a time when blacks were often victims of civil rights abuses.

The event has caused outrage across a wide spectrum of the public, including Black groups, religious organizations and entertainers, chief among them Gibson himself. “Richards’ outburst is completely unacceptable and despicable,” said an emotional Gibson. “There is nothing funny about the difficulties that the Blacks have endured over the years. Now the Jews, that’s another story. Wait… I didn’t mean that. You didn’t record that did you? Give me your tape recorder!”

After a brief scuffle Gibson yelled, “I don’t want to go back to sensitivity training! Those rabbis scare me!”

“Why are they all slurring their words? Maybe if we pay for the racists to get some good speech therapy, the world would be a better place.”

When asked to comment, Richards’ friend and former co-star Jerry Seinfeld released a somewhat strange statement saying, “What’s the deal with racial slurs? Does every racist have a speech impediment or something? Why are they all slurring their words? Maybe that’s why they are all so angry. Maybe if we pay for the racists to get some good speech therapy, the world would be a better place.”

Richards has found at least one Hollywood friend who has remained a supporter despite the outburst — and an unlikely one at that – O.J. Simpson. After having his recent book “If I Did It,” about the murder of his former wife and her friend Ron Goldman, pulled by Fox, Simpson said, “People should just stop falsely accusing Michael of doing something he didn’t do. He did not make any racist comments whatsoever.”

When shown a video of the incident, Simpson responded, “This has obviously been doctored by the Los Angeles Police Department. Look how blurry it is! Mike, I’ve got a message for you — if the tape is blurry, no need to worry.”

Rumors have begun to circulate that Simpson will be penning a book with Richards to capitalize on the incident titled, “If I Made a Racist Outburst.” Explained Simpson, “Now I am not saying that Michael Richards made those racist comments, but buy our book for $39.95 and we will tell you exactly how he would have done it.”

Simpson aside, industry colleagues were in no hurry to accept Richards’ apology. Veteran publicist Michael Levine said, “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. To be honest, I think this is going to be a career ruiner for him. I don’t think there is one job in Hollywood that Richards could get right now.” Insiders however say that Michael Richards already has a lock on a post in an upcoming project — he is set to direct the sequel to “The Passion.”

My friend tells me a different joke everyday and this is the latest one, I happen to think it is not that funny. You decide!

A man is at a bar all night. He drinks too much and gets sick all over his shirt. He says to the bartender, “My wife is going to get so mad at me. She’ll say I drank too much and then threw up on myself, she’ll be pissed.”
The bartender says, “This is what you do. You put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when your wife asks you what happened you say a drunk guy threw up on you and then gave you ten dollars to get the shirt dry cleaned.
The drunk guy says, “Great, I’ll try that.”
He goes home and his wife asks him what happened. He tells her, “a drunk guy threw up on me and then gave me ten dollars to have my shirt drycleaned.” The wife looks in his shirt pocket and pulls out the money and says, “well that’s nice but this is a twenty.” And the drunk guys says, “oh well, he crapped my pants too.”