How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Posts Tagged ‘details’

I got divorced about 10 years ago, at the time my daughter was 12. I had a very good marriage until my ex starting making bad friends and doing drugs. She started sleeping around and we obviously got divorced, she had no interest in working out the marriage, getting clean or her kids.

Since then she has gotten better and then fallen on bad habits, been married and divorced twice (mostly because she sleeps around), is sleeping with a new guy every week and everytime my daughter gets her hopes up that her mom will be okay she throws it all away on her ex that she still sleeps with or falls back onto drugs.

Not to mention that my ex’s second husband used to beat my daughter and the ex did nothing about it. My daughter gives her mother money, tries to buy stuff for her 3 little brothers (from the ex’s second marriage), tries to be there for her but it is tearing her up and I hate to see it.

My sons have long given up but my daughter just keeps trying and getting hurt. More..
She scams my daughter out of money, puts guilt trips on her if she doesn’t do everything for her, calls her at 3am 2 or 3 times a week to say she is too drunk to drive home and needs my daughter to come get her, is verbally abusive telling her that she is fat (my daughter is 105 pounds and has gone through an eating disorder because of the ex’s abuse) and tells her she is a bad daughter even though she spends half her time and money trying to help her.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m at my wit’s end. My daughter just recently got an apartment and doesn’t have the money to pay all her mom’s bills and from what I hear the ex has been non stop calling her and telling her that she is a bad daughter and that her little brothers are going to starve because she won’t give her money.

My daughter is smart, successful and a sweetheart. She took care of her mother since she was 12 and worked hard all her life. Her mom is tearing her down, how can I help her?
I did get custody of my daughter, but she would go to the ex’s on weekends. I didn’t know she was being beat until several years later when she was older and told me.

I didn’t want to keep the kids away from their mother, I had loved her and I knew at some point in her life she had been a good person and I hoped for her sake and my kids that should would get better but she never did.

I wasn’t going to tell my kids they couldn’t have contact with their mother, the boys eventually gave up on her but my daughter won’t. She is a good person and the ex takes advantage of that. Just going to the ex and telling her not to call won’t work, because my daughter still thinks that she can help her.

In my book, there is a young girl, about 11 years old that gets abused by her dad. She us getting abused because her dad gets stressed out and becomes an alcoholic after his wife’s death. So he takes it out on his daughter. I need the abuse in her older brothers point of view if that’s possible. And I would like it to be in detail because that would grab the readers attention.
Thank you so much for the help:)

Sorry…this is WAY long.

My wife and I are working through her long term affair with an ex-boyfriend and I have to thank YA responders for helping me while I figured out what was going on during her frequent business trips. I’m admittedly clueless about relationships because I’ve always been focused on jobs, education, and most recently starting my own business. I’m madly in love with my wife and won’t consider leaving her…no matter what a few responders suggested. Since we had the big talk where she admitted to the affair, we’ve been talking about it, and our relationship, every chance we get. We promised to put everything on the table…leaving nothing out…and it’s been enlightening to say the least. We’re both super busy, but we set aside Wednesday and Sunday nights for talking…about anything we want. She didn’t say anything at first, but it’s coming out that my lack of focus on her was a bigger deal than I knew. She knew I loved her, but I was neglecting her too…especially when I was starting my business about five years ago. The hours have been long and vacations non-existent, and looking back I can see her point. But I didn’t have a clue until she told me. As open as we’ve been, most of the talk has been serious and we’ve even danced around a few issues. Saturdays are “date night”, where we toally ignore the affair and serious talk and just have fun. She recently worked her butt off getting back in shape and has a whole new wardrobe to show off the results so she’s really loving these nights out. We laugh and cut up more than we’ve done in years and it’s definitely having a positive impact on both of us. I think the date nights are almost as important as the communication on other nights. We get drunk enough that we’re having the wildest, most uninhibited sex of our marriage when we get home. She’s looking hotter than ever when she’s out having fun like that, and I’m looking at her compleltely different…sexually speaking. The pillow talk on those nights has gotten decidedly close to her giving out personal details of what happened on her trips. I haven’t asked for that level of honesty yet, but in the heat of the moment we’ve both been teasingly risque about what she did. That only happens after our dates and we’re both slightly intoxicated. Are we on dangerous ground with that, or is it a good way to satisfy my curiosity without being accusatory?
donotbuy got a thumbs down for it, but she seems to understand more about us than most. Almost everyone is giving me a lot to think about though. It IS dangerous ground when you start delving into the sordid details, but aren’t we all curious to know…IF we keep our heads about it anyway.

We’ve been seperated for almost 3 years now, and our divorce settlement is a few weeks away from being finalized. We have a 4 year old daughter together. It was a very bad breakup and we didn’t speak or have any contact for about a year and a half…working with our families to take care of our kid. This past summer we started a dialogue and we have been able to re-establish our friendship in effort to raise our daughter without conflict. However, I have become increasingly concerned for her health and well being lately and I’m not sure what to do or how to approach it.

When we started talking again this summer, she had a boyfriend in California (3000 miles away) and they were ‘together’ pretty much since I had moved out. A few weeks later she called me crying, and told me she’d been getting drunk alot and sleeping with another guy. She dumped the guy she had been cheating with, and the guy in CA dumped her. She was upset that she had sabatoged yet another relationship in her life, and cited depression, heavy drinking and partying as the source for her bad decisions. For a few weeks I checked up on her and she said she was doing better, not drinking and not partying. All seemed better.

This past weekend she called me again…crying. She is apparently back to her old ways of drinking, partying and sleeping with casual acquaintances. She had apparenly put some amount of faith in her latest “friend”, but could not deal with certain realities about him so she dumped him. Once again, she cited depression, heavy drinking and partying for her poor judgement. She has also admitted a couple recent close calls with the law while drinking and driving. We talked at length, and I told her that it is apparent she is repeating the same cycle with every man in her life. She starts out being very affectionate and fully giving up herself and her body to these guys. Then she learns that these people are not who she thought they were and regrets her choices. It’s not even that there’s anything wrong with these guys, she just can’t deal with situations that aren’t ideal for her. She has dumped or cheated on every guy she’s ever been with and has ended these relationships “because she can’t deal with people once she really gets to know them and see that they aren’t all perfect”. She is not permiscuous when she is not drunk, so it’s like she’s a whole other person when she’s partying.

Yesterday, she’s back to “everything is OK” and “I’m going to stop drinking and partying”so much. Basically, now she’s in total denial that there’s any signifigant issue at all…its all under control all the sudden after completely falling apart the day before. I’ve told her that there really is a problem and it’s not OK, and I’m not going to ignore it or just watch her continue hurting herself. I am certain she will revert back to the drinking and party scene after a few weeks. She is definitely taking a lot of risks (sexually and driving drunk) and her drinking / partying is out of hand. She’s a 33 year old mother, but she’s living like a 19 year old college girl. I have our daughter over 60% of the time each week, and I’ve been paying child support for almost 2 years…apparently to fund her nite life. Ironically, I had turned to the bottle as we approached the end of our relationship (to deal with the stress), and she cited that as a major problem at the time. Now the tables have turned and she’s the one binge drinking to cope with her problems. I had more than a few problems when we broke up, and she watched me fall to pieces and drink myself into oblivion. It’s OK now that she’s the one who drinks to cope? I’ve told her a few times lately…she seems like a whole other person than the girl I had married years ago. The “friends” she has, all the booze / weed and the whole party scene she frequents have drastically changed this girl, and destroyed her integrity. Why is she doing this to herself?

When the divorce is settled I am taking 1/2 of the value of our equity in the house and the support will be revoked. I have agreed to joint legal custody but I will not hesitate to seek full custody if she continues on her downward path. She is visibly exhausted when I see her, and she basically refuses to see a counselor even though I provide good insurance for her till the divorce goes through. I keep telling her to take advantage of it while she can. I feel like the divorce will be a real hardship for her due to the reduced income and sale of the house…it may perpetuate or worsen her current behavior. I really worry that she will wait for something to go really wrong before she addresses these issues and starts to deal with her problems. There are definitely some underlying problems from her past that are coming into play, including being molested by her cousin when she was a child, and an alcoholic father. She needs help, and to some degree I still have love in my heart for her…probably always
will. I can’t just stand by and watch her destroy herself, or give herself up to men who really don’t deserve a girl like her. I always felt like she would find someone better than me after we split…I had no idea she would become who she is today.

What more can I do to help her, without being overbearing and over-assertive? I don’t want to push her away. I have told her that I really care about her…she is my child’s mother and our daughter needs her mom to be there for her. Our child also needs a mom that she can be proud of, and not a drunk who keeps giving up her body to guys who don’t respect her and that she ultimately regrets. I just wish I could get her to understand the gravity of the situation before it’s too late. I truly hope she finds her way out of this mess she’s in.

I appriciate any similar stories, constructive feedback or any advice. Please help me help her! Thanks!