How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Posts Tagged ‘Children’

I have five sons, three of whom are stepsons from my wife’s previous marriage. My eldest is mine from a previous marriage. The oldest is 44, the youngest 24. All are now adults, but I experienced every phase from pre-adolescence to adulthood with them all. We made our share of mistakes raising them.

My first wife was a nonbeliever in religion and I did not begin regular church attendance until after the divorce. My current wife and I brought all five to church regularly and have encouraged them to be Christians. All have been baptized.

I feel all have turned out reasonably well. Some have been more successful than some others. One has a career in financial management, one is a career Army NCO, and one is an Air Force airman in tech school. Two have gone through a series of jobs but have generally managed to be steadily employed. All are Christian, but church attendance has not always been a top priority.

We have had issues with alcohol and drugs. Also with hair length and sexual conduct. We have fought many battles with our kids and won a few and lost a few, but I think we have generally been fairly successful parents. (One mistake was letting them outnumber us.)

My question is basically, where do you draw your lines? When should you back off and when should you fight for your kids? We make mistakes and so do they. I think a Christian upbringing helps them find a way to seek their best paths, but that is my opinion. It does seem to have worked. There were some issues with the four sons who experienced divorce of their natural parents. (Our youngest has not experienced that.)

None of our sons have been in prison, although at least one has spent at least one night in a lockup. Two are college graduates and two more are working on college. Some have been good financial managers and some have not.

What do you think is the most important thing you can give your children besides love? (And I hope we all agree on love.)

I have a situation where my ex-husband who is newly remarried, and chose to adopt his new wife’s children, has petitioned to increase visitation with my daughter 60/40 in his favor because of his “new family”. He is away from their home 50% of the year (6 months of twelve), and this would put her in their home quite often while he is away. I am a fit, and consistant parent with no alcohol, drug or criminal history, employed full time, and up until this point the custodial agreement has been written 60/40 in my favor. Does her step mother have “rights”? or am I dealing with “control” issues.

My wife and I live in Illinois. We have had full guardianship over two boys ages 2 and 3 for over a year now. We had tried to work with the mother, and unwed father, but have found out the life they came from was unthinkably horrible. The mother is a known heroin addict, and is currently in jail for probation violations, related battery, and drug charges. She has been in and out of halfway houses for this whole year (escaping from 2 of them). Both children have had drug exposure, and a psychiatrist who is seeing the older one, believes that he was beaten, and has post traumatic stress disorder. The psychiatrist feels that considering what he has been through, that it would be best for any visits to stop. Our attorney says she believes it would be easy to terminate her rights, so we could adopt them.

The biological father was never on the birth certificate, and was never married to her. The boys do have his last name. However he has never paid any child support, and was only in their lives off, and on, being mostly homeless. The night we met the mother we had several people with us that saw a big shiner the mother said was given to her by him.

Now a year later he is in the Army, and says he has his mother moving on the base with him. He called the other day, after have very little contact with the boys. He said he wants to try to get custody of them. What rights if any does he have?
Also I need to add that the boys were born in Missouri, but the guardianship is in Illinios courts.
We have had constant contact with the father. We have a good relationship with him, but he is very irresponsible. He tells us he will do something, and has about a 20% success rate. He says he has presents for the boys. So far has never produced any. Lies constantly, and is very untrustworthy.

Yes he made it into the Army, and we are proud of that, but he and his family are a real mess. His mom is moving in because she can not keep a job. She was living in a trailer with three other families. it was a zoo.

We started out want to restore these folks. We do that as a ministry. I would however be very concerned for the boys well being. Just in case some of you thought we had wrong motives…

I have a 14 year old son and a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We ended our relationship shortly after the birth of our second child and soon then after I met and married my current husband and have been married to him for the past 11 years. My ex was not actively involved in the childrens life for the first few years. And I had to constantly pursue him so that he spend sometime with them. In 2000 I found out that he had a heroin problem and limited the time he saw them of which was very little because he never came around. as of recently past six years maybe he has been slowly stablelizing himself and married someone himself although she did enforce his visitation of them from time to time during past couple of years he has dissappeared on both me and his wife. But all in all he has been a stable dad for the past 3 years. We have had a freindly relationship between all involved parties as well and I have made it a point to involve him as much as possible in his childrens lifes. As of recently he has been demanding without consideration of how it will disruppt my household and home, (I do have a child with my current marriage, which these two children are a very important part of.) additional time with his children. When I informed him that I could not just say yes take them without seeing what I can do as far as who is going to watch over my younger child during the time that their older brother watches them, he proceeded to call DYFYS (Division of youth and family services) on me making tons of absurd not founded allegations on me. May I add he did these anonymusly however admitted it to my son when he questioned him on it. The only reason he gave to my son for calling Dyfis was that he was tired of me being the only one who has a say in their lifes. The children are angry with him for what he did and are not ready to talk to him although I everyday tell them they should, it has now been three weeks since the allegations where made by him and he has not even as called his kids. He is requesting joint custody in court and is demanding unreasonable times he is requesting he gets them tuesdays and thursday over night during the school year with e/o weekend starting from Friday to Monday. And during school vacation he wants them every other week. I am not against my children spending time with their father in fact I have always encouraged it, but I feel what he is requesting is not reasonable and he doesnt see how for the past 12 years I have build a life and family with them and my younger child and this will cause a huge detremental impact to all my children not just his. I am afraid of what a judge would say because for the latter years he has been a responsible father except for the fact that he never paid me child support. I dont want to keep kids from him I just want to have a stable home where I do not have to be afraid that he will take me to court at a whim just simply because he wants more time with them. Any suggestions can anyone help me.

I am heart-broken!!
I have been married to my wife for 16 years (half my life). We have had our ups and downs like any other marriage and we have even separated for unrelated (to this) reasons. The separations were when my oldest was around 4 or 5, she is now 14. My wife suffers from Bi-polar disorder and has been hospitalized numerous times for depression. Each time I have stood by her and we have come out licking our wounds and tending to the pain we each suffered through the ordeal.
I am in the military and my issue begins while my family was stationed in England. Due to my wife’s “condition” we were forced by Tri-Care (our health insurance) to move back to the US. This was 2 years ago and my wife has yet to forgive herself for “ruining our lives” (her quote not mine). She and my children never adjusted to life in England and therefore none of them were truly happy. Of course, they all miss it now. My wife seemed to being doing better until recently …

My wife got her first job when we arrived at our new base and has been working for 1.5 years now (I congratulate her constantly). She was never able to handle the pressure of going to work and this was a huge improvement in her well-being. Only thing I worried about … prowling men! My wife feels she is ugly and unwanted (normal feelings for bi-polar & people in general), so a compliment here and a giggle there is enough that she can (could) develop a friendship easily (or an enemy). Well the cute, cool, womanizer caught my wife in his net and drew her in back in June of this year. Nothing happened between them more than friendly banter until June. When he asked her what color her underwear were online one night while im’ing. (Before finding this out he was nothing more than a friend and my children had even met him). My wife felt so guilty over allowing the IM to flourish that she attempted suicide to erase her guilt. While we were in the emergency room she told me about what had happened and that she was “intoxicated” on her nighttime medications, and that she was truly sorry and regretful. I was hurt of course, but I know that mistakes happen. So I let her cool off and get the help she needed and I supported her through it. She was released from the hospital and agreed that she would never talk to the man again. Like I said though … she is bi-polar and her emotions can quickly overcome her. One day in July or August she again over-dosed. When I asked her why she would do this she said it was because she wanted to talk to the guy because she missed their original “FRIENDS ONLY” relationship. I informed her that because of the cyber-sex I was uneasy with their relationship even as friends, because I knew he wanted more and she is gullible and easily manipulated emotionally. After she was released from the hospital this time I asked her to begin looking for another job, transfer, or take a vacation to visit her family. She informed me that everything would be fine and we talked with her employer to attempt to arrange her schedule to avoid this man as much as possible (my wife is a manager, but not his), so at times they MUST interact.

Now after my history my problem ….
On Nov 3-6th my wife began acting depressed again and took 3-4 sleeping pills. When I confronted her she said that the guy had began talking to her again and he followed her to the parking lot while talking. They almost kissed. I was FURIOUS, but once again I allowed her “mental health” to control my emotions and I forgave her and BEGGED once again that she NEVER talked to him again. She swore that she wouldn’t and we seemed fine, but her depression lingered. She blamed it on guilt and the holidays and then she emailed the guy calling him a p.o.s. and told him to not talk to her again (I guess he had been pitching jokes here and there again). BTW: All this time I avoided the “kill the other man” instincts, because of my children and my utter devotion to my wife. I admit I am deeply in love with her and wanted undeniably to spend eternity with her. Turns out though that 3 days ago she again took 30+ sleeping pills and the “almost kiss” was actually “REAL ORAL”. I proceeded to have her removed from my home for cheating on me. Until this day an UNFORGIVABLE ACT in my eyes. She flew home to her family today and I am heart-broken and unsure of where to turn. I know I will pray a whole bunch this weekend and I will be seeing my therapist (I talk mostly about my wife and how to deal with Bi-Polar), but that doesn’t take her act away nor does it allow me to forgive her. I KNOW I LOVE her though and I don’t know how I will continue life without her. I (we) have our children to consider (age 8-14) and I am under a cloud of hate and love.

Do I forgive her? Do I accept the “bi-polar” excuse? Do I say enough is enough? Do I keep the children (I am military and could be deployed) or do I forfeit custody to her? I wish I could talk to GOD and hear and know what his answer is. I feel so

his life after about 2 years because i moved away and traveled for my job and we are starting to see him now and I’m trying to get joint custody of him but i owe the mother back child support would they still look at me as a bad father if i was trying to get him back into my life and had a stable home and job ..and the mother is living off the government and she got arrested for heroin and child neglect with injury and the child was sexually abused while he was in foster care and they wouldn’t like me take my child because he was in wv and i was in tx i would have had to quit my job and move back up here and never would have found a job here or a house in that amount of time so he stayed in foster care for 7 months while she was in rehab just getting a slap on the wrist..so what do you think my chances are of getting joint custody I’m trying to make everything rite
and for the record for those of you that think i left my x for a nother women because im just a dead beat your wrong because I didn’t she was abusive to me mentaly and physicly and what was i suppost to do when all she ever did was fight with me infront of my child and leave me when he was 6 months old and went with a drug addict that i didn’t know about untill she went to jail for narcotics so there for im not the bad one and i have had it ruff the past 2 years every job is dead end she went to court stating i made 2700 a month when i was in texas and i was only making 1200 a month and they exspected me to pay her 500 a month so i dont know how that works but yeah!

My boyfriend and I have a baby together and we live together. His ex-wife abused him when they were together and hid the entire pregnancy of their second child, from him sought no medical attention and binge-drank during this pregnancy. She primarily raised them when he was in the military and they appear to have behavioral traits that reflect low self-esteem. It is heartbreaking but not especially shocking considering the unsanitary and disheveled appearance they have when they return from their mothers’ home. He has them five days a week. I have an older child and have helped him care for these girls. This is partly because of the information I naturally had already from raising a child. Their mother continually engages in behavior that shows she is a very “passive” parent. She showed in interest in finding different pre-schools for them, When it came to Kindergarten, she showed no interest in finding or applying for a school or after-care program for her older daughter. She can’t be bothered to do basic things like treat her child for lice or consistently give her athlete’s foot medicine. I stepped in and assisted him with these things since he wasn’t. Ok. Nothing to be done about that.
My boyfriend gives me money but rarely helps with our baby. In the past five months, he has taken her on three walks. Sometimes he has managed to not see the baby for days at a time.
I asked him to go with me to a friend’s home for dinner he refused. However he agreed to go trick-or-treating with his ex-wife(which I argued with him overs so he didn’t). He went to her home for Thanksgiving. Two weeks later he attended a school birthday party w/her and was less-than forthcoming about the arrangement, then the next day he attended a pre-school event in the evening with her, that he didn’t tell me about even though I have often dropped-off and picked-up the girl from that school. His ex-wife tells him things that have nothing to do with the children. This include things such as; her brother’s girlfirend;s miscarriage, the last time she had sex, her own pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage last year. He then wonders why she calls him for trivial matters. He thinks nothing of talking to her late at night, or the two ofthem texting back and forth at odd hours. He gets annoyed that she calls him and tries to engage him in unnecessary conversation. I say he sends her mixed messages. She was married to him less than four years and still has his last name. I think he relates to her like when they were married-walking on eggshells. The children are exceptionally tired and cranky on the days their mother drops them off at school. He tells me he can’t talk to her about certain things because she will just lie(for ex. the time she gets them to bed), but then why hang around somebody so much that you feel that way about? He isn’t even sure if the child from the second pregnancy is his(his children lokk NOTHING alike), seeing as not only did she admittedly have an affair w/another soldier(one he knew) while her husband was in the ARMY, she took out a loan for this lover and put up the car her husband owned since before he knew her as collateral. She then asked her husband to repay it when the guy skipped out, and this guy may be the father of his second daughter that he is raising and that I have helped him with-he refuses to get a DNA test. I think he is in denial. With all that it seems pathetic that he works so hard to make sure the children have their mother(even though she appears distinterested) to the point where he doesn’t mind excluding me from social functions or obligating himself to them without consulting me. Seeing as she appears to be a very uninvolved parent, it seems all these arrangments and communication with her are excessive. I understand they have to havea civil relationship, but some of it appears just plain inappropriate and disproportionate considering her lack of passion when it comes to the children. She requested the divorce. He takes the girls to counseling and other activites and she does nothing. He does all this and wonders why she referred to him as her”best friend” on facebook. She also expressed regret of not being able to “go back” o what she had before. I think they are over-involved. Also, she has harasssed me in the past.
He has them five days/wk.
Actually Garnett, with all due respect….I am not questioning the acquisition of headlice. I pick the children up and I see for myself the condition the children are in. The children love me and they have behavioral problems at school that they complain about. Also the ex-wife with whom I have soken) wllingly made the arrangment for him to have them five days/wk. I havean older chil who isn’t beglected so why would I encourage him to neglect his children/. My baby with him is his child too. When he was thinking about putting them in counseling, I found different resources for him and he actually ended doing one of them.

For your attitude that appears so smug, where what University did you use when you acquired your PhD? His mother used to complain about the condition the children would present with and I didn’t assume anything until I saw it for myself. Also less than 1% of women hide pregnancies. I have known him for 17 yrs, I attended the baptismal party for her older
older child that she attended, she was 7 mths pregnant then and seeking no medical or alternative attention. Her mother and her identical twin with whom she was close and lived and worked with during part of his deployment and her pregnancy did not know about the baby. She binge-drank alcohol when she was pregnant and her husband stayed. Also, at least I am not giving out names and I am publicly asking advice, but instead of being helpful you are being hateful. I have children of my own. I don’t want his. His three year old kept complaining that “grabbed”her neck and the pre-school called CPS. Because the mother played nicety-nice, the case was dropped. Also, she has harassed me in the past, she only cemented his position on complaints. So, why don’t you reapproach with some more of that Southern Hospitality I hear about?
I think it is important to have a “civil relationship” for the kids. I think it is pathetic to use children as pawns to make a relationship where there is none. I am glad you have four well-adjusted adult children. I imagine you had the wherewithal to love them deeply and care for them properly. I imagine this included washing and brushing their hair at three and four years old. I also imagine you showed interest in where they went to school. You got too afford that I know a little of what I am talking about. It isn’t uncommon for an abuse victim to continue relating to the abuser the same way to avoid conflict even if the ultimate result is enabling.
Furthermore, while you are being so Puritanical, he actually asked me to marry him. I declined. While he is far from perfect his wife concealing a pregnancy is a strange occurence(less than 1%) of women. You have to afford I know a little of what I am talking about. He married her while she was a pregnant minor and stupidly-they offered him $10,000 extra for Basic training because of it.

My ex-wife Penelope is a sturdy, thick-set, no nonsense woman who left me due to a gambling and heroin addiction, both of which i have mostly recovered from.

I have now become aware that she may be polluting the minds of our two children, telling them both that i am no good, i’m a womaniser and racist, and an abuser of women and children, (all of which is mostly untrue).

How do i convince them their mother is lying to them? Both my children are 43 years old.

So this is a long and bizarre story.

I have known this guy for seventeen years an prior to our romantic involvement that started less than two years ago, I had no interest in him although he has always liked me.
We are in our thirties now. I have a 10 yr. old from a previous relationship. We have always been friends however had huge gaps in our correspondence because I had a child, he went away to college, worked nightshift and got married.
When we were 27(we are the same age) he got a seventeen yr. old girl pregnant and married her. It turned out to be a tumultous marriage. She physically abused him while he was in the military and living on base. She would hurt him and them call the police. She drank heavily, partied, cheated on him(even took out a loan for a lover putting up the family car for collateral). The biggest deal though was that she hid an entire pregnancy from him. They had already been married, had one child (who was 20 months old at siblings conception), and one abortion they both participated in. He was deployed part of the time. She didn’t even tell her identical twin or mother(with whom she is close) that she was pregnant even though she moved back home to live and work with him during part of the deployment. She sought no medical attention even though it was free. Her first baby had been born via emergency C-section. She told no one she was pregnancy and also did not seek alternative care. She also binge-drank vodka on several occasions. In fact she came back home w/him when she was seven and a half months, and attended a large party thrown by his parents for her older child, surrounded by multiple relatives and told nobody. Two months later he is in one of his training classes and is pulled out by a superior and told his wife is going into labor. He is not sure if this baby is his, she looks NOTHING like her sister but he raises her as his own.
She assumes he is involved with me one day(which he isn’t) and sends me multiple harassing and vulgar text messages.
Anyway, after the delivery, 14 months later he comes home for a three week leave on a fifteen month tour and she tells him she doesn’t love him anymore and wants a divorce. He is devastated but eventually relents. He and I are not involved at this point. She makes harassing phone calls to me. He asks her about it. She denies it.
They are now divorced. In 2008, they arranged a custody agreement for him to have the children five days a week. They come back from their mother’s home disheveled and often dirty. They look tacky(but she doesn’t), their hair is unbrushed and their nails overgrown with dirt underneath. This is amongst other neglectful behaviors.
His mother becomes very angry with the ex daughter in-law because she has taken them on weekends when he is in Iraq and witnesses their commonly unacceptable appearance and mannerisms. When son returns(after leaving military for good to be with his children), he and his mother have a huge falling out due to his renewed relationship w/his children now that he will no longer have to be away from them. His mother have previously hated his ex-wife due to the wife squandering thousands(of husband’s and mother-in-law’s money), hateful, disrespectful language from the ex-wife, and continued neglect of the children. His mother decided to have bad will against me because I was an emotionally supportive friend of his and as he spent more time with his children, she seemed to become angrier.
Well, I became pregnant. He and I now live together and have a child together. His ex-wife repeatedly calls her ex-husband for trivial matters even though she continues to neglect the children. She also repeatedly invited him for dinner. We reside in the old neighborhood in which I grew up. She invited him to go trick-or-treating with her(but didn’t invite me) and said to him she would love to go trick-or-treating in my neighborhood but didn’t want to run into me. He said nothing to her about this. She also has said disrespectful things about me to the children. He has said nothing about this. I have continually cared(meaning I take care of them)for her children by him in spite of the ugly way she has treated me. I have given them baths, have done their hair, dressed them, taken them to different activities, read to them. I don’t expect praise. I just know that all children need to feel loved. I also do not speak poorly about her to the children. It is clear she is emotionally unstable though.
The year where his mother stopped speaking to him, she then decided to like his ex-wife again.
I now have a baby with him(I know). I decided to let bygones be bygones and let her meet her grandchild. His mother trivializes the abuse the wife has enacted against her son and overlooks the neglect she enacts towards the grandchildren.
His ex-wife told him about the last time she had sex, how she was pregnant last year. It i
Blending a family is an investment, right? I have my problems with this guy(who I am planning on leaving). We have are own problems. However if he was hitting her, it would not be trivialized as just a “flaw”. When CPS, was called on her, the case was closed. People don’t like to think of women as abusers. I can see, as an abuse vitime, he appears to be relating to her the same way as in marriage-as a vitime-walking on eggshells. However I think he sends her mixed messages and he thinks he doesn’t. He spent Thanksgiving in her family’s home, he attended a birthday party with her, went to his child’s school event with her. I understand, that it is important to get along for the sake of the children, but she uses the children to have a relationship with her. She gets irritated that he doesn’t spend more time with her. How is telling him the last time she had sex have anything to do with the children? His mother abused him, so it isn’t surprising he stayed with a woman who did
I mean she uses the children to have a relationship with him. He doesn’t see it as inappropriate to text her at an odd hour or talk to her late at night, unrelated to the children. Also, he said when it comes to his mother offering her to spend the night, it is “none” of his business even though his Mom told him to tell it to her. Also, less than 1% of women conceal pregnancies to that degree, so it would appear to be more than just simply a “flaw”.
He has custody most days except she has them late afternoon Sunday through Tuesday morning.
He has custody most days except she has them late afternoon Sunday through Tuesday morning.

Me & wife wife are seperated she left a few weeks ago with another man We do have 2 children & she left them with me My boys & I moved in to my parents. My wife & a friend came to my parents home early Sunday morning & she got really physical towards me I have the marks. She also brought her boyfriend with 4 other guys to beat me up. My kids were inside with a sleep over friend sleeping thank god. But she tryed to come in and take the kids I wouldnt let her she was so intoxicated. I wouldnt give her the kids so her boyfriend started a whole new fight then it didnt go her way. I wont give the kids to her while shes drunk & at midnight. she could of waited till morning. Anyways she called the cops & told them I pushed her &they came to talk to us granted this is at my parents home they end up arresting me and my friend had to give her the kids drunk I am a victim of dv but I cant get any help I have court today at 1 & I want my boys back this is bull. I currently have a no contact order.
Im a male Im usind my daycare computer. But yes Im a man..

point of their hating me. I have been pushed, called a b**ch on numerous occasions, excluded from conversations by being told that what they are talking about is none of my business. My husband just lets it go on. Not too long ago I asked one of them if he even loved me a little bit, he answered I want to stick knives in you. My husband drug me out of the room and said it was my fault for asking. My reply to his son was, hay! Lies are being told to family and some of them have been alienated from us because of this nonsense. It is hard to defend yourself against what you don’t know is being said. I had a mild stroke last weekend because of this stuff. My husband chose to use a blind eye and not see what was happening. I have always been healthy and fit, so a stroke is really a surprise. He has taken his children to an expensive hotel this weekend to talk to them. He only saw that what was happening was happening because of an email sent to my daughter by one of them and by some very cryptic messages from his ex. He has only called me one time since he left work at 1 yesterday. I am home alone and still not 100%, he usually calls me several times a day to chat – I don’t know what to make of this stuff. I honestly don’t know what to do. Any help is welcomed here.

Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama have strong criticisms and are both strong, accomplished women. Which is a better role model for young people. Which would make a better first lady? Back up your statements with your rationale.

Cindy was John McCain’s mistress when he was married to his first wife. She was addicted to prescription drugs and admitted stealing them from her medical organization when she couldn’t get them from doctors. She was born into wealth and is a wealthy savvy businesswoman and heiress to a fortune.

Michelle Obama made statements about being really proud of her country for the first time in her adult life during the Democratic primaries, she said in speeches that America is a mean country. She is grew up poor in the South side of Chicago, graduated from Harvard Law School, was a professor and is now a successful business woman.
FYI, the info above about both of these women is documented, proven and a part of history. If you need sources, I can cite them.

Someone shared more info about Cindy’s resume. Below is more info about Michelle’s.

Michelle Obama:
Princeton undergrad
Harvard Law School alum
Corporate Vice President
1985 cum laude graduate of Princeton
University
1988 graduate of Harvard Law School, Former associate dean at the University of Chicago
Vice president at the University of Chicago Hospitals.
Sits on six boards, including the prestigious Chicago Council on Global Affairs, the University of Chicago Laboratory Schools and Tree House Foods.

My wife is the daughter of an alcoholic and her mom was the wife. Her mom is really bad is there any support group for them. They live in Brownsville texas 78520

My kids are 9 and 6. I don’t want to slander their mother, but I do want to make sure that they know that Mommy isn’t going to be around for awhile.

My children have been put into my custody or rather not questioned my parental obligations while my ex wife is undergoing medical treatment for clinical depression. A PET Team had to haul her off to a mental institution. In the course of this action I was fingered as a “Meth” User by the state. Although I have not used meth in over 2 years a urinalisis will have to be conducted in order to appease child services. I told them that I had smoked a few joints last month and the representative said oiver the phone that my children would not be taken away becuase of Marijuana use, only habitual marijuana use. He claimed that if I show levels of THC being lowered at each test that there was no grounds to take my children. I have stopped smiking marijuana and plan to never smoke it again due to this situation. I am eternally sorry that I ever did and I am scared that I’ll lose my children because of this. Does anyone know if I can keep my children or know of a similar situation that can help me keep my children?

The Bible teaches that children are to honour their parents, but what if the father is an alcoholic and he deserts the wife and children? Should they still honour him?

My husbands ex-wife has just had a baby and was addicted to meth. Will she lose that baby, and my husband has 2 other children with her that he has custody of she gets them every other weekend will she lose them to.

Help for Parents with Addicted Children

Are you enabling your Child to continue in the Addiction Process?

Addiction to drugs and alcohol among our children covers the entire social and economic spectrum in our society. Many ascribe addiction to poor parenting, however while poor parenting can contribute to the addiction problem, good parenting does not prevent it. Some families have one addicted child while their other children, living in the same environment, do not become addicts. So whether you are certain your son or daughter is not addicted, suspect they may be addicted or know that they are addicted, you may want to read more of this article. You will find help on recognizing addiction, learning what you may be doing to enable it and what you can do to help your son or daughter and to help yourself deal with it.

Recognizing Addiction in Your Son or Daughter

Parents are often the last to recognize addiction in their children. Studies have shown that about 4% of parents of 9 to 11 year olds believe their child may have used drugs while about 25% of these children admit to doing so. There are several reasons for this. The children get very good at hiding alcohol and drug use from their parents while parents do not want to believe it to be possible. In addition, there is a judgmental attitude that drug and alcohol use is the result of poor parenting so parents deny the problem even in the face of strong evidence to the contrary. Here are some questions to help you determine if your son or daughter has the disease of addiction.

1. Do you have relatives on either or both sides of your family who are addicted? Genetics plays a large role and sometimes the disease skips a generation or two.

2. Have you found evidence of drug use in your home such as marijuana joints, empty liquor containers (either theirs or yours) or drug paraphernalia? Children will go to great lengths to hide alcohol and drug use from parents, so if they are leaving evidence this is an indication they have lost control of their use.

3. Have you seen a major change in behavior such as grooming habits, loss of interest in family activities, studying habits, withdrawing, depression, new friends, belligerence, extreme defensiveness, etc.?

4. Has your son or daughter gotten a MIP or DUI, been charged with shoplifting or theft?

5. Do they tell you that they are not affected by drinking alcohol or can drink more than their peers? This usually is perceived as good thing by an addict but actually indicates they have developed a high tolerance because of excessive use.

6. Have you seen burns on their fingers or lips, needle marks, or sores on their nose and face?

7. Has your son or daughter lost weight or developed a poor appetite?

8. Do they have money problems and refuse to explain how it is being spent?

Hopefully these questions will help you decide whether there is a problem or not. If you believe there is, you must begin by understanding what is and is not enabling behavior and how to avoid it.

Are You Enabling Your Child in the Addiction Process?

If you are like most parents, your initial response to addiction in a child is “We are going to fix this problem?” The common initial thoughts of parents faced with an addicted child will include, I’m going to punish my child, or I’ll lecture him about the problems with doing drugs or alcohol, or I’ll ground him until he is 30!! However, these attitudes probably will do little to alleviate the problem. Instead they probably increase the desire in your child to abuse substances. This approach, among many others that keep the addiction process going, is called “Enabling Behavior”. After attending Al Anon meetings for a while, it becomes easier to make the distinction between what is enabling behavior and what is helping behavior. You will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you. The following story illustrates the point.

As fathers, when our kids…even our adult kids, get into life threatening situations, sometimes it is just not possible to say “detach with love” and walk away…at least it wasn’t for me.

My alcoholic ex-wife actually schooled our oldest son with her addiction to wine. She created her own “drinking buddy,” and, because he was 17 and in the midst of those rebellious “dad’s an idiot” times, she won real favor with him by encouraging this “adult behavior.”

By the time he was 18, his mother and I had separated, so, with me out of the house, this boy really “took over the house.”

One night after work I received a panicky call from our youngest son. His older brother had beaten him up and threatened to kill him in a drunken rage. The boy was sobbing.

I had to do something. But before I did, I called my sponsor, who also had a son about my son’s age, and had successfully gotten him into treatment. My sponsor added a compassionate but detached good sound mind to my panic. Together we worked out a plan where I called the DA’s office first, found out that the older son could be charged with a misdemeanor and arrested. Then, when I confronted the boy I had a strong arrow in my quiver.

I used what we call in the program the “broken record” technique. I just repeated over and over the same message to him in the face of his bluster. It went something like this:

“I understand, but I want you to know that I have this option, and if there is any harm done, or even another threat of harm, I will have you arrested.”

Guess what? After I drove over and picked up his brother and got him to safety I called the older brother back. He was looking through the newspaper trying to find a job so that he could leave the house. But we never had another threat of violence against his younger brother. So how did this all end?

Well, my oldest son went through his various adventures, hit a bottom, came into AA, and started his recovery. He married a talented woman who became a nurse, went back to school, received his GED, then went on to a state-operated college and graduated Summa Cum Laude. He has made me a Grandfather twice over, and at this moment serving as a phenomenal teacher.

After my divorce from his mother, his younger brother moved in with my new Al-Anon wife and me. After a difficult period with counseling for four years, and some tragedy, he graduated from a state-operated college, and then found Al-Anon. That led to a great sponsor, professional counseling, his finding his own church and his deciding that he wanted to enter the ministry. He graduated went back to school, graduated from divinity school, and now, after a long stint as an associate pastor, has his own church.

A huge thank you to Al-Anon, Darrell my Al Anon sponsor, my new life with this incredible wife, my fantastic sons, and God.

What you can do to help yourself and to help your son or daughter

Prior to making any hasty decisions after learning your child is addicted, it would be beneficial to remember that we are ill equipped to deal with numerous issues that are involved in addiction. You need to get your child help either through a 12 step support group, professional addiction counselor or both. Along with your child’s recovery, you need to seek assistance in dealing with the pain, uncertainty, fear and insanity that are normal for parents of addicted children. The first healthy thought you should engage is that you did not cause the addiction, you can’t cure the addiction and you can’t control the addiction.

Some specific things you can do:

1. Focus on creating a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home. Resist the urge to yell by focusing on saying what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean.

2. Focus on you and not your child. Your and his recovery will be better. Only seek to control yourself rather than your child.

3. It is important for both parents to work together by setting boundaries that define what will and will not be allowed in your home along with the consequences of behavior that is not allowed.

4. Be patient and don’t resent the method of recovery. Recovery of the addict may or may not materialize and chances are that if recovery does occur it will not be a result of what you did rather it will be the result of another addict doing 12 step work in carrying the message of experience, strength and hope to fellow addicts.

5. Keep a sense of humor and gratitude. These help when dealing with crisis.

6. Remember that your child has a higher power. Fortunately, you are not it because you are powerless over the disease of addiction. This frees you up to focus on you and your recovery.

7. Maintain hope that things can get better. This hope will keep you sane and help you with your responsibilities.

8. Do attend a 12 step recovery program for co-dependents and do get a sponsor. You will find out that you are not alone and that there is help.

Okay, so this is not the way you thought the family history would unfold when your child was born. Resentment, shame and anger are probably consuming your thoughts when you see your child. By following the steps outlined above, however, and making a commitment to the recovery process for yourself, you will find serenity, joy and freedom whether your child’s addiction continues or not. Often, the child also gets into recovery after they see the changes in your behavior. Addiction resulting in recovery may be the impetus to get your life restarted and refocused on the things that truly matter such as service to others, compassion, acceptance and honesty.

Help for Parents with Addicted Children

Are you enabling your Child to continue in the Addiction Process?

Addiction to drugs and alcohol among our children covers the entire social and economic spectrum in our society. Many ascribe addiction to poor parenting, however while poor parenting can contribute to the addiction problem, good parenting does not prevent it. Some families have one addicted child while their other children, living in the same environment, do not become addicts. So whether you are certain your son or daughter is not addicted, suspect they may be addicted or know that they are addicted, you may want to read more of this article. You will find help on recognizing addiction, learning what you may be doing to enable it and what you can do to help your son or daughter and to help yourself deal with it.

Recognizing Addiction in Your Son or Daughter

Parents are often the last to recognize addiction in their children. Studies have shown that about 4% of parents of 9 to 11 year olds believe their child may have used drugs while about 25% of these children admit to doing so. There are several reasons for this. The children get very good at hiding alcohol and drug use from their parents while parents do not want to believe it to be possible. In addition, there is a judgmental attitude that drug and alcohol use is the result of poor parenting so parents deny the problem even in the face of strong evidence to the contrary. Here are some questions to help you determine if your son or daughter has the disease of addiction.

1. Do you have relatives on either or both sides of your family who are addicted? Genetics plays a large role and sometimes the disease skips a generation or two.

2. Have you found evidence of drug use in your home such as marijuana joints, empty liquor containers (either theirs or yours) or drug paraphernalia? Children will go to great lengths to hide alcohol and drug use from parents, so if they are leaving evidence this is an indication they have lost control of their use.

3. Have you seen a major change in behavior such as grooming habits, loss of interest in family activities, studying habits, withdrawing, depression, new friends, belligerence, extreme defensiveness, etc.?

4. Has your son or daughter gotten a MIP or DUI, been charged with shoplifting or theft?

5. Do they tell you that they are not affected by drinking alcohol or can drink more than their peers? This usually is perceived as good thing by an addict but actually indicates they have developed a high tolerance because of excessive use.

6. Have you seen burns on their fingers or lips, needle marks, or sores on their nose and face?

7. Has your son or daughter lost weight or developed a poor appetite?

8. Do they have money problems and refuse to explain how it is being spent?

Hopefully these questions will help you decide whether there is a problem or not. If you believe there is, you must begin by understanding what is and is not enabling behavior and how to avoid it.

Are You Enabling Your Child in the Addiction Process?

If you are like most parents, your initial response to addiction in a child is “We are going to fix this problem?” The common initial thoughts of parents faced with an addicted child will include, I’m going to punish my child, or I’ll lecture him about the problems with doing drugs or alcohol, or I’ll ground him until he is 30!! However, these attitudes probably will do little to alleviate the problem. Instead they probably increase the desire in your child to abuse substances. This approach, among many others that keep the addiction process going, is called “Enabling Behavior”. After attending Al Anon meetings for a while, it becomes easier to make the distinction between what is enabling behavior and what is helping behavior. You will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you. The following story illustrates the point.

As fathers, when our kids…even our adult kids, get into life threatening situations, sometimes it is just not possible to say “detach with love” and walk away…at least it wasn’t for me.

My alcoholic ex-wife actually schooled our oldest son with her addiction to wine. She created her own “drinking buddy,” and, because he was 17 and in the midst of those rebellious “dad’s an idiot” times, she won real favor with him by encouraging this “adult behavior.”

By the time he was 18, his mother and I had separated, so, with me out of the house, this boy really “took over the house.”

One night after work I received a panicky call from our youngest son. His older brother had beaten him up and threatened to kill him in a drunken rage. The boy was sobbing.

I had to do something. But before I did, I called my sponsor, who also had a son about my son’s age, and had successfully gotten him into treatment. My sponsor added a compassionate but detached good sound mind to my panic. Together we worked out a plan where I called the DA’s office first, found out that the older son could be charged with a misdemeanor and arrested. Then, when I confronted the boy I had a strong arrow in my quiver.

I used what we call in the program the “broken record” technique. I just repeated over and over the same message to him in the face of his bluster. It went something like this:

“I understand, but I want you to know that I have this option, and if there is any harm done, or even another threat of harm, I will have you arrested.”

Guess what? After I drove over and picked up his brother and got him to safety I called the older brother back. He was looking through the newspaper trying to find a job so that he could leave the house. But we never had another threat of violence against his younger brother. So how did this all end?

Well, my oldest son went through his various adventures, hit a bottom, came into AA, and started his recovery. He married a talented woman who became a nurse, went back to school, received his GED, then went on to a state-operated college and graduated Summa Cum Laude. He has made me a Grandfather twice over, and at this moment serving as a phenomenal teacher.

After my divorce from his mother, his younger brother moved in with my new Al-Anon wife and me. After a difficult period with counseling for four years, and some tragedy, he graduated from a state-operated college, and then found Al-Anon. That led to a great sponsor, professional counseling, his finding his own church and his deciding that he wanted to enter the ministry. He graduated went back to school, graduated from divinity school, and now, after a long stint as an associate pastor, has his own church.

A huge thank you to Al-Anon, Darrell my Al Anon sponsor, my new life with this incredible wife, my fantastic sons, and God.

What you can do to help yourself and to help your son or daughter

Prior to making any hasty decisions after learning your child is addicted, it would be beneficial to remember that we are ill equipped to deal with numerous issues that are involved in addiction. You need to get your child help either through a 12 step support group, professional addiction counselor or both. Along with your child’s recovery, you need to seek assistance in dealing with the pain, uncertainty, fear and insanity that are normal for parents of addicted children. The first healthy thought you should engage is that you did not cause the addiction, you can’t cure the addiction and you can’t control the addiction.

Some specific things you can do:

1. Focus on creating a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home. Resist the urge to yell by focusing on saying what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean.

2. Focus on you and not your child. Your and his recovery will be better. Only seek to control yourself rather than your child.

3. It is important for both parents to work together by setting boundaries that define what will and will not be allowed in your home along with the consequences of behavior that is not allowed.

4. Be patient and don’t resent the method of recovery. Recovery of the addict may or may not materialize and chances are that if recovery does occur it will not be a result of what you did rather it will be the result of another addict doing 12 step work in carrying the message of experience, strength and hope to fellow addicts.

5. Keep a sense of humor and gratitude. These help when dealing with crisis.

6. Remember that your child has a higher power. Fortunately, you are not it because you are powerless over the disease of addiction. This frees you up to focus on you and your recovery.

7. Maintain hope that things can get better. This hope will keep you sane and help you with your responsibilities.

8. Do attend a 12 step recovery program for co-dependents and do get a sponsor. You will find out that you are not alone and that there is help.

Okay, so this is not the way you thought the family history would unfold when your child was born. Resentment, shame and anger are probably consuming your thoughts when you see your child. By following the steps outlined above, however, and making a commitment to the recovery process for yourself, you will find serenity, joy and freedom whether your child’s addiction continues or not. Often, the child also gets into recovery after they see the changes in your behavior. Addiction resulting in recovery may be the impetus to get your life restarted and refocused on the things that truly matter such as service to others, compassion, acceptance and honesty.