How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Posts Tagged ‘Before’

i met my wife and for a long time never met her family, she told me that her son’s father was totally out of her life because he was a loser. i married her now i find out that her family is really awful. her mother is nuts, cusses, swears, says things to her like she wishes my wife was never born, her brothers are all power hungry or lie or are drug addicts. her son’s father is now threatening her and trying to ruin her life and take the child. he’s apparently very abusive and now i’m like what the f#ck i feel totally cheated or duped. after we got married she then started complaining to me for hours everyday about her mother, her family of origin, her ex. it has become our life to just talk about her family or her ex and not only that i can’t now even get her to go out on a date with me alone without children because she feels guilty leaving her son alone because he just screams if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. I finally said i had enough and that i don’t even feel like i have a marriage or with everyone but my wife and left. i told her when she feels like being married then get rid of all the drama. what should i do?

My brother has drug addictions. The main one I know of is OxyContin and I suspect heroin is also an issue.
He went to the Holistic Drug Rehab (same one that “Intervention” uses) and was “fine” when he came home, it hasnt been 3 months and here is is again back at it. His wife has kicked him out and he is “homeless” aside from staying at users/dealers places. He has nothing anymore. He is 23 years old.
What I dont get is how a person can go through 120 days sober and all of the sudden be back into the drugs. How much will he lose before he quits? God only knows.
I am just scared he will die. I love him so much.
What can I do to help him?

Isn’t it usually the one’s who speak so ill about others who have the most “dirty little secrets?” I think King is probably having an affair with his wife’s uncle, he has probably stolen US money….uses heroin, sells drugs, is a spy, a wife beater, and is just an all out disgusting lunatic who probably mixes antidepressants with raw animal flesh for breakfast! Karma ALWAYS has it’s way of coming back to these guys who use their positions to try to hurt others…Remember how the congressmen who wanted Clinton to step down started committing suicide and having heart attacks because their “little secrets” started coming out??? It’s so ironic….
MICHAEL WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY ON 14 COUNTS AND ALL OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED HAVE ADMITTED TO LYING!!!!!
GET IT RIGHT!!!!!
Michael’s insurance company paid the family…Research the case for yourself before believing what you hear from the media. listen to the”evan chandler taped phone conversation…” research the case against this man where his son had to sue him for being abusive…actually hitting his son with a weight…read the Michael Jackson transcripts….D*mn…are people really just sheep who cannot think and research for themselves? RESEARCH!!!!! There is SOOOOO much more to the story…
Yea…FREE SPEECH….That doesn’t discount the vile, filthy things that come out of people’s mouth. How do you call someone the names that king called Michael when he has absolutely NO proof??? This just shows how very careful we have to be trusting some of these cats who are running things…A man was found “Not Guilty” and a US Congressman called him those slanderous names????? WHEWWWWWW…This is why our world is in the state that it is…I can call you what I want and the more people hear it…the more…
…they believe it…Shame on him and shame on whoever agrees that he was proper in his statements…God forbid anyone EVER begins a heinous rumor about YOU….trust me…once it starts to spread….you WILL be suspect……

I need to help my husband, but first i need help knowing how to approach this without sounding like a controlling wife. I want my husband to live a long life. he is only 23 now, but he binge eats – he is 225 pounds and six foot tall. he works out on average of 4 hours a week and the rest of his time is sitting in front of the computer playing video games. he is not lazy all the time, but i am afraid he will turn out like the rest of his family where eating takes up the majority of their energy and life. is it wrong of me to control what he eats and help him make better choices ? how many times a day should i make him eat, should i make him eat even if he is not hungry for breakfast in the morning, often he skips it. how many calories for a man this size. any help would be great. i dont want him to think he is being controlled but i love him and care about him. he is going to end up like his father if he keeps this up and his father is over 400 pounds.
even if it is healthy food , he’ll binge on it. i dont think its healthy for anyone to sit down and stuff themselves, and it sounds painful for him once he reaches a full point but he keeps on going.
If i dont bring in the house any foods he’ll want to eat then he’ll end up going to the fast food chains.

Before conceiving with my wife is there anything i can do to cleanup myself and my seeds? Detox? Abstain from foods or drinks? Any suggestions, books or information is appreciated!

how do i celebrate?.. fattening breakfast at the cafe?.. $1,000 tattoo?.. mid-day binge drinking?.. suggestions?.. suggestions?..

by the way, i took the day off work so i could go to the closing… i just wanted all of you who are working right now to know that…

Recently, my wife has gone in a tv series binge, watching nearly every episode of Desperate Housewives, Sex and the city and Nip Tuck. I don’t know why she did (maybe it’s her stupid friends again…) but know she always wear an all sweater outfit, that is pink, and proceeds to hang in the house all day long drinking and bragging about her life being far from what she expected. She wants to move to beverly hills (in no way possible I can afford that) and wants to live like a supermodel and actually wants to change career for modeling. She’s 46 years old and overweight. Every time she takes the dog for a walk she yells at the neighbors and tell them their nothing and useless pieces of s*** and that they should kill themselves. What should I do? I’m pretty near from slicing my wrists. Please help me.

she doesn’t drink but she acts drunk or at least a little typsy, it effects her speech, her personalltiy, everything. any suggestions

An old buddy of mine is having a tough time with his life and I’d like to help him, but I don’t know how.

Back when we played hockey together about 7-8 years ago; he had a great $90K job, a beautiful $500K home, the wife and two kids, and things were peachy on the surface.

But, his wife used my friend for some really horrible (and illegal) things I won’t go into (other than tell you that it was to secure US citizenship for her 3rd-world relatives). Just know that she would always threaten to divorce my friend if he would disagree. She even tried to get me involved in her schemes, which I wisely declined.

So, my friend finally decided to stand up for himself and his wife divorced him, since he was of no use to her anymore. He paid for her college education, the boob job SHE wanted (he told me that he hates fake boobs), and put his neck out for her illegal schemes.

Not only did she kick him out of the home he paid for, but he also lost his job because his depression led to alcoholism. Which also led him to the hospital with some alcohol-related problems (ulcers, poisoning, etc).

Now, it’s 3 years later, and he’s free and clear and healthy. No more alcohol. But he’s having a hard time getting his life back on track. He’s stuck in a Catch-22 and I dunno how to help:

1) He’s been out of work for 3 years now since he was fired and went to the hospital/rehab.

2) He’s got $30K credit card debt, which he only started to accrue once he was jobless.

3) He owes $25K in back child support, which is tough for him to pay because he doesn’t have a job.

4) His driving license is suspended, (because of the back child support) which makes commuting to and from a job much more difficult, especially since he doesn’t live anywhere near public transportation.

5) His work license is suspended, (it’s a gov’t-issued license), also due to the back child support. So, the last 20 years of his work experience counts for squat if his license is revoked and he can’t get that type of job.

What can my friend do to get back on track? I try to speak with him as much as possible to keep his spirits up, but he’s sounding more and more suicidal and I don’t blame him.

He’s not gonna ride a bike to the local pizzeria for $8/hr, just to give his entire crappy paycheck to that idiot ex-wife. He can’t afford a lawyer. He lives in his dad’s basement and has zero social life b/c he can’t drive and can’t afford to go out. He just told me today that if I didn’t speak with him a couple times a week, he’d have nobody.

This guy is a great guy, a real good friend, and a good person who just has had a bunch of bad luck.

What can he do? Claim bankruptcy? Claim hardship? He’s stuck in a hole that gets deeper everyday and soon, I think the authorities will be knocking on his door to throw him in jail for being a dead-beat-dad, which he’d rather kill himself.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Oh yeah, and please don’t tell me to have my friend contact a Suicide Prevention Hotline. He’s not some emo-kid struggling with social-difficulties. He needs real advice and having someone one the other end of a phone tell him that “Suicide’s not the answer” is NOT the answer he needs.

I am in the military and deployed. My wife told me she wanted a divorce a few weeks ago. While deployed I can’t do anything about it but I would like to know if the mistakes I made before marriage and my child was born will effect the outcome of child custody.

Substance abuse prevention speakers take the topic seriously, but sometimes I wonder just how many others do? I suppose as a substance abuse prevention speaker who knows the pain and torment personally from an experiential level, I am more apt to see the danger in substance abuse and drunk driving.

I grew up the son of a mother (a former high school cheerleader and honor graduate) who was an alcoholic and substance abuser. As a child I saw my beloved mother self-destruct and torment my grandparents as a result of alcoholism and using every drug imaginable. Ironically, my mother (a former drunk driver herself) was killed when crossing the road as a pedestrian when an 18 year-old drunk driver hit her – killing her on impact.

Dead on arrival, police awaited the return of the young drunk driver who left the scene of the accident. Upon returning, the police video (which I later painfully watched) showed the young man crying and screaming, “I can’t live with this on my mind!”

As a former lifeguard and fitness trainer I don’t drink alcohol to this day. Yet I don’t condemn those who do and kindly serve as the designated driver whenever anybody close to me drinks.

After a childhood of pain and hell as a result of substance abuse and drunk driving, I myself was hit and nearly killed in July 2008 by a drunk driver (a two-time DUI offender driving after her license was revoked). The 61 year-old lady barreling down the road in a large Chevy truck, driving drunk at 4:40PM on a Tuesday afternoon, hit my car repeatedly (completely totaling it and nearly killing me) without stopping, attempting to flee the scene of the accident, after which she hit and totaled a parked car before being arrested by police.

For nearly five months I drove numerous rental cars, while battling my insurance company to be financially compensated to purchase a replacement vehicle for my automobile totaled by the negligible drunk driver. Even worse I spent days and nights in hospitals and doctors’ offices receiving medical treatment after the accident for injuries, which still cause me pain and trouble to this day. The added stress and strain medically and financially also negatively affected my marriage, as logistically my wife and I shared the one vehicle the drunk driver totaled.

Personally encountering the crooked and fraudulent business practices of tow truck companies, medical professionals, insurance claims adjusters, and car salesmen added additional aggravation and suffering to my life at a time when I was most vulnerable.

Nevertheless I somehow persevered and battled through it all to stand tall, becoming a voice of conscience to substance abusers, drunk drivers, they who prey on victims of catastrophic accidents, and those suffering through seasons of tragedy turning their world upside down.

I guess God spared my life so I can speak to others.

and had several partners. since then, i have changed my ways and settled down. i think my old ways may have created a sex addiction however. i feel uneasy when I am around pretty girls and I feel like i am constantly craving sex with women. i feel like i am a crack addict. i am scared i am going to do something to destroy my marriage. is there any other way to fix this problem other than professional help? im not sure how my wife would react if i told her this.

“Keep coming back, it works if you work it!” This is what is chanted at the end of every meeting, but what if you have “worked it” and you still keep going back and getting drunk or loaded? Now, most people in the program will say things like, “Well, you must not have really done the steps right,” or  “You didn’t go to enough meetings,” or  “You didn’t pray to your Higher Power,” or  “You know you did something wrong or else you would still be sober!” But what if the truth was that you did nothing “wrong,” that in reality you did not fail the Program, but rather the Program was just not a right fit for you, and in fact, it fails for most people? Hopefully even this little bit of knowledge would start to alleviate some of the guilt and shame that many carry due to numerous relapses and going in and out 12-step programs for many years.

Since what you are told from your very first 12-step meeting is, “Your only options are to get sober using our Program, or it’s jails, institutions or death,” you tend to stop thinking for yourself, (since it was your “best thinking that got you here“), stop questioning, and just follow what other’s tell you to do. This would be fine if this is what worked… but unfortunately, evidence is proving otherwise.

The 12-step success rate is showing to be approximately 3 percent. Yes, that’s right… only 3 percent! (Brown,Treatment Doesn’t Work, 1991). Here are some more startling statistics (Based on Alcoholics Anonymous World Services’ own statistics).:

          *45% of the people who attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings never return after their first meeting.

          *81% of AA attendees are gone after one month

           *90% are gone after three months

           *93% are gone (7% remain) after 6 months

           *95% never return after the first year.

So there is a 5% retention rate for the first year. Note that the claimed five percent of A.A. newcomers who are still coming back after one year (and sober, we hope) is exactly the same number as the normal rate of spontaneous remission among alcoholics. A number of studies have found that a small percentage of alcoholics improve to the point of remission of problems associated with alcohol consumption, and we call this spontaneous remission. The preponderance of studies suggests that a spontaneous remission rate for alcoholism of at least one-year duration is about 4-18 percent. Successful treatment would, therefore, have to produce rates of improvement significantly above this probable range of spontaneous remission. Alcoholics Anonymous comes nowhere near exceeding a 4 to 18 percent per year recovery rate. Harvard Medical Schoolreported that in the long run, the rate of spontaneous remission in alcoholics is slightly over 50 percent. That would put the annual rate of spontaneous remission to be around 5 percent. Yet the claimed success rate of Alcoholics Anonymous does not even exceed that much lower rate.

If we subtract the usual spontaneous remission rate from A.A.’s claimed success rate, we get zero percent for A.A.’s actual effective cure rate. A.A. didn’t make anybody quit drinking — those who quit were the ones who were going to quit anyway. They would have quit anyway, no matter what treatment they were receiving, or even no treatment at all!  So, an alcoholism treatment program that seems to have a 5% success rate probably really has a zero percent success rate, and it is just taking credit for the spontaneous remission that is happening anyway. And a program that has less than a five percent success rate, like four or three, may really have a negative success rate — it is actually keeping some people from succeeding in getting clean and sober. Any success rate that is less than the usual rate of spontaneous remission indicates a program that is a real disaster and is hurting the participants.

Yet even with all of this research, 93-97% of conventional drug rehabs and alcohol treatment centers are still 12-step or AA based, so those who leave AA to look elsewhere, such as conventional alcohol and drug treatment for solutions, are essentially rejoining AA!

AA hardly sounds like a “proven method,” let alone one that works for most people. So, if only about 5% of the people are getting the help that they need, what about the 95% of the people who are not being helped? That is the purpose of this article… to provide much needed awareness to individuals, rehabilitation centers, hospitals, sober livings, and even 12-step programs themselves so that people with substance abuse problems can actually start be helped. The bottom line is this… is the goal to get alcoholics and addicts into AA or NA or CA, or is it to actually get them some help?

Professor (and Doctor) George E. Vaillant of Harvard University is an enthusiastic advocate of Twelve-Step treatment, and is currently a non-alcoholic member of the Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (AAWS) Board of Trustees. So he really wanted to prove the effectiveness of AA. To study the effectiveness of various methods of treating alcoholism, Vaillant compiled forty years of clinical studies. Vaillant and the director William Clark also conducted an eight-year longitudinal study of their own where Vaillant reported having followed 100 patients who had undergone twelve-step treatment. He compared those people to a group of several hundred other untreated alcohol abusers. The treated patients did no better than the untreated alcoholics. Fully 95% of the treated patients relapsed sometime during the eight-year period that Vaillant followed them.

After initial discharge, only five patients in the clinic sample never relapsed to alcoholic drinking, and there is compelling evidence that the results of their treatment were no better than the natural history of the disease (spontaneous remission). What Professor Vaillant, a Trustee of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. — in other words, one of the highest-ranking A.A. leaders — is candidly, clearly describing is a zero-percent success rate for his A.A.-based treatment program. And it was even worse than no help: The A.A.-treated group, with the death rate of 29%, had the highest death rate of any kind of program, significantly higher than all of the other programs. And those five people out of the hundred in the A.A.-treated clinic sample who successfully stayed sober for 8 years are just the result of that same old five percent spontaneous remission rate at work, again.

Remember that these terrible numbers were reported by a Trustee of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., by a real true believer in A.A., by someone who loves A.A. and was trying hard to make it look good, not by some harsh critic of A.A. who might be suspected of bias, or of fudging the numbers to make A.A. look bad.

Let me mention that I think 12-step programs are great for those individuals who it does work for, (or at least seems to work for—again, it might just be the work of spontaneous remission rather than the program itself that is working). I have seen it change many lives for the better, including my dad, who has now had 15 years of continuous sobriety, maintaining his sobriety from his very first meeting. It is also a great fellowship to share experiences, strength and hope. So, in no way am I anti-AA. However, it has become clear to me that substance abuse is not a “one size fits all” problem, and therefore, there can not be a “one-size-fits-all” solution. 

The National Institute of Drug Abuse, NIDA, has even gone on record to emphasize that no single addiction treatment method is right for everyone. They claim that matching treatment services to each individual’s specific needs is critical to success. In addition, research studies indicate that even the most severely addicted individuals can participate actively in their own treatment, and that active participation is essential for good outcomes. According to the NIDA, counseling, either individual or group, and other behavioral therapies are critical components of effective treatment for addiction. It’s interesting to note that participation in a 12-step program was never mentioned anywhere in this research based guide which discussed the principles of effective treatment. 

Reliance on outdated and ineffective treatment methods has created an environment that fully expects individuals to fail, and fail again until such time that rock bottom has been reached. It is often said that once an individual has reached rock bottom that there is only one way to go, UP. The problem with that philosophy is that for many people, the ultimate rock bottom is death. (Vacovsky, Executive Director, American Council on Alcoholism, May 12, 2005).

Vacovsky goes on to write:

“Many, (if not indeed most) alcohol dependent individuals have lost faith in themselves, and more importantly hope for the future. It is common for such individuals to have numerous attempts at sobriety, most often using 12-step methods. They have been programmed to accept themselves as hopeless and powerless, with their chance for recovery being slim to none… It is up to the individual to determine what the most appropriate treatment is. It is up to the treatment community to provide options that set up individuals to succeed, rather than be expected to fail.”

Sadly, Americans are largely unaware that such options even exist. At least, the general public is. While the public is being told that “turning your will and life over to the care of God as you understand Him,” as AA suggests, is the only treatment for their illness, scientifically based research has been going on for decades. Results of this research are threefold:

We now have options for treatment that are based on science rather than fundamentalist religion;<br>
Gives back choice and a sense of control to the individual, which is proving to be extremely important and<br>
We now have evidence that is in direct contradiction to the traditional view of problem drinking.

What, exactly, is the research finding? Here is what some of the experts in the addiction field have found: 

Well-designed research conducted over more than three decades has conclusively demonstrated that problem drinking will not inevitably get progressively worse, and that this is one attribute of being a “disease” of alcoholism is simply wrong. Some problem drinkers “progress,” but the vast majority don’t.<br>
What most Americans believe about drinking problems and their treatment is substantially inaccurate.<br>
Drinking problems do not occur as a result of a disease. It is a learned behavior, and additional learning can therefore modify behavior.<br>
For no other “disease” do so many physicians, psychologists and counselors themselves believe in the non-research-based myths of problem drinking, ignoring the research of their own peers in developing their treatment plans.<br>
“Problem drinkers in the United States are faced with a daunting dilemma when they seek help. They can either accept the prevailing myth that abstinence is the only effective means to resolve a drinking problem, or they can be accused of being “in denial…”<br>
Insistence by treatment programs to only offer abstinence has been shown to deter many problem drinkers from seeking treatment.<br>
Individualizing treatment is crucial.<br>
Chronic “relapsers” can actually be harmed by the 12-step model view that once a slip has started, you are powerless to stop; the stronger one’s belief in this is the longer and more damaging the relapses are.<br>
The confrontation and treating alcoholics and addicts like children commonly thought necessary to help them actually often hinders any change.<br>
Many providers deliberately resist change because they have too much of an attachment to their own ideas of what should work, claiming, “I know what worked for me, and I’m sure that it can work for everyone else as long as they just do what I say.”<br>
The only way to resolve a problem with alcohol is to abstain for life is wrong for the majority of people. A substantial proportion becomes moderate drinkers even when achieving abstinence is the primary focus of treatment.<br>
Dr. Patricia Owen, Director of Research of the Hazelden Foundation, who was a long-time supporter of abstinence-only treatment, referred to these individuals as “in recovery without abstinence” and acknowledged their presence in large numbers among a sample of Hazelden graduates.

Of course, not even all scientists agree on the nature of and best treatments for alcohol abuse. But this is the twenty-first century, and no one would disagree that all patients suffering with an alcohol or drug problem have a right, just like any other patient suffering with any other problem, to be fully informed of the available options, the risks or areas of uncertainty, and, after reviewing the relevant information, in consultation with one or more providers, choose a course of action. This is simply good, ethical medicine.  Should people struggling with substance abuse issues accept anything less?

It is also important to acknowledge that recovery programs are not necessary to discover how to quit and stay quit. The following is from the Harvard Medical School’s Mental Health Letter, the August/September 1996 issue:

Most recovery from alcoholism is not the result of treatment. Only 20% of alcohol abusers are ever treated… Alcohol addicts, like heroin addicts, have a tendency to mature out of their addiction…

In a group of self-treated alcoholics, more than half said that they had simply thought it over and decided that alcohol was bad for them. Another group said health problems and frightening experiences such as accidents and blackouts persuaded them to quit… Others have recovered by changing their circumstances with the help of a new job or a new love or under the threat of a legal crisis or the breakup of a family. Support from a husband or wife was important in sustaining the resolution.

Study results from addiction researchers, Doctors Linda and Mark Sobell, confirm Harvard’s 20% treatment statistic:

Surveys found that over 77 percent of those who had overcome an alcohol problem had done so without treatment. In an earlier study… a sizable majority of alcohol abusers, 82 percent, recovered on their own.

 However, even though it is possible to recover on your own, you may want a recovery program, or at least a licensed professional for support.  The good news is that many more treatment programs are starting to provide more evidence-based options beyond just the traditional 12-step approach, and this list is growing everyday. You can find a complete, comprehensive directory of over 100 professionals and drug and alcohol programs all over the U.S. and abroad that will provide you with many options in Melanie Solomon’s newly released 2nd Edition of “AA Not the Only Way; Your One Stop Resource Guide to 12-Step Alternatives.”

 Leading U.S. addiction expert Dr. Marc Kern states, “I have long awaited this directory of addiction treatment alternatives. It represents what I believe to be the future of the field. It is a pioneering effort to organize this unique body of knowledge. A directory of this type was never available before.”

 Dr. Frederick Rotgers, another leading addiction expert explains, “The problem is finding treatment providers who provide these alternative, evidence-based approaches. Melanie Solomon has taken a wonderful step toward making that process, of identifying alternatives to traditional treatments, easier.”

 It is finally time to stop living in the dark ages of recovery, educate people about all of their choices and alternatives that are out there and maybe start making a dent in the alcohol and drug use problem that millions are facing each day instead of continuing to perpetuate it. If you are one of those people who still believe that the 12-steps are the “only way” to recover, I implore you to have an open mind. In fact, Bill W., one of the co-founders of AA said, “It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism.” Bill W. repeatedly said that “our hats are off to you if you can find a better way” and “If [those seeking a different cure] can do better by other means, we are glad.”