How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Archive for July 25th, 2010

I don’t know what to make of this- why would she do this to her son?
My hubby comes from a family where alcoholism is rampant among several family members. At least two have died gruesome deaths (esophagus ruptured and relative bled to death- the MD said this was caused by heavy drinking that caused liver failure/tension on the esophagus….), hubby’s uncle is unable to work because his alcoholism is so bad, hubby’s aunt has cirhrosis of the liver from drinking and does not qualify for a liver transplant….

I think you get the picture as to what alcohol has done to his extended family members.

Hubby’s Mom does not drink on a regular basis- maybe a glass of wine for special occasions. Hubby’s dad drinks at least 4 beers (his drink of choice) a day (sometimes more). One time his Mom called my hubby in tears (we live 5 states away) because her husband (hubby’s dad) had gone out on a bender and was severely drunk and irrational when he came home. Hubby’s dad was unfairly accused of something at work which led to this drinking binge. Hubby and his Mom do not think hubby’s dad has a drinking problem because he is employed, doesn’t drink on the job, etc.

In other words, he doesn’t have a drinking problem/dependency like the other family members because he is functional.

When hubby and I were dating, his mom mentioned to me- more than once- that she and her husband were ‘relieved’ (her exact word) when hubby went off to college and started drinking , because they were afraid he would ‘never touch alcohol’ . He was a good kid in high school and didn’t drink. The way it was said to me made me think that his Mom thought he was somewhat ‘nerdy’ for not drinking in high school. Hubby’s Mom even made a point to tell the same thing to MY Mom at one point (my Mom was dumbfounded as to why hubby’s mom even told her this).

Throughout the first few years of our marriage, my hubby’s drinking began to escalate. He was drinking 6 or more (sometimes 8-10) beers every night at home. Even though we were financially strapped he continued to spend close to $75 a week on beer alone. He didn’t think it was a problem.

The stress of this along with other things caused severe strain on our marriage. I was about to leave him and drinking was one of the main factors. Hubby decided he ‘did not want to lose his wife and kids’ (his words) and decided to stop drinking. The week he decided to quit coincided with a visit he had planned to see his parents (I was 8 months pregnant at the time and couldn’t go).

Right before dinner he told his parents he had decided to quit drinking because he felt he had developed a problem. He didn’t mention anything about his Dad’s drinking because he still felt his Dad didn’t have a problem- he was only talking about himself and his decision to quit.

At the dinner table his Mom poured him a glass of wine and pushed in front of him and encouraged him to drink it. She said she didn’t think he had a problem with drinking and all he needed to do was just have a few drinks and then stop himself. Hubby said no, but she insisted.

I am having trouble understanding WHY a mother whose own sister and brother have debilitating drinking problems-which she herself has characterized as terrible- would encourage her son to drink when he has announced that he has a drinking problem and is quitting alcohol altogether.

Why would she do that? What do you make of what she did?

I’ve made it clear to my friend that I won’t drink with him, or hang out with him while he’s drinking, or hang out with him at bars. I think that providing him somebody to hang out with where he knows there will be no drinking is a good thing. A mutual friend of ours insists that I should cut off all ties, as the alcoholic friend needs to focus on his wife and child and not losing his job. He submits that hanging out with him only distracts him from the severity of his situation. What’s the right course of action?

Two years ago, she told me a story about getting hit on by a married woman. I was at sea at the time, and she went out with some friends, including the woman and her husband. During the course of the night, it became known that this woman had affairs with other women which her husband approved of, and that she was interested in my wife. My wife claimed she was horrified, but somehow the lady ended up staying at our house that night and wearing my wife’s pajamas. She said she slept ont the couch, stayed there becasue they wanted to avoid driving drunk (but she lived in the same neighborhood) and nothing happened. Since then, we’ve had a kid, marital problems, a lack of sex, and suddenly I remembered this incident and feel like a complete a** for believing it. How should I handle this? I am thinking of asking her point blank. Even if nothing did happen, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to question…
Perhaps she has withheld sex in hopes I would cheat and somehow absolve her of guilt? I have no plans to do this, just trying to figure out what’s going on in her mind…

My father-in-law just had his second wife leave him because of his horrible excessive drinking (was married 30+ years the first time, 5+ the second), yet is constantly convinced that it was ‘all her fault’ both times that their respective marriages dissolved.

My wife and I have a great marriage with no such problems similar to this (both in our 40s, married 15+ years). We also admit that we’re nieve about how to understand alcoholism as well as knowing how to help him out.

In the past we’ve attended support groups for families of alcoholics. The problem now though is that hes 1000 miles away across the country and refuses to come and live with us even though we have the financial means to take care of him.

We’re just feeling lost without this man in our lives, and when hes not drinking is a very good guy. Hes on the verge of losing his job and its killing my wife.

Any and all suggestions are welcome.
We’ve tried to get him to attend an AA meeting but he just says ‘I dont need those dam things, those are for drunks’.

I just do not know what to do. Several months ago my wife took a sudden interest in the commercials that talked about the men becoming bigger in the bedroom. She would always turn up the television and ask me to pay attention.
So I thought I would surprise her, I started the Ding Dong and Twinkies binge, and now that I have put on forty pounds, she is complaining that I’m to big. What the h*ll? I thought she would be pleased, but now she is mad and tell’s me no sex until I lose weight.
Do all women, just not know what they want?
For those whom thinks this is serious, give me a break, this is a joke, folks. It’s have a laugh Thursday.

Two years ago, she told me a story about getting hit on by a married woman. I was at sea at the time, and she went out with some friends, including the woman and her husband. During the course of the night, it became known that this woman had affairs with other women which her husband approved of, and that she was interested in my wife. My wife claimed she was horrified, but somehow the lady ended up staying at our house that night and wearing my wife’s pajamas. She said she slept ont the couch, stayed there becasue they wanted to avoid driving drunk (but she lived in the same neighborhood) and nothing happened. Since then, we’ve had a kid, marital problems, a lack of sex, and suddenly I remembered this incident and feel like a complete a** for believing it. How should I handle this? I am thinking of asking her point blank. Even if nothing did happen, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to question…
Even if nothing happened, this was a horrible lack of judgement on her part, she would be out of line to get upset at me for asking…

My wife and I met in High School and “dated” for 8 years before getting married, and have been married 13 years.We have 2 kids in elementary school. We are both under 40 years old. My wife stayed home through the birth of our kids and then shortly after my second child, she decided to go back to school for her Masters degree, I helped out in every way I could while she went to school, I worked nights and took care of the kids during the day. This strained our relationship severely, but it was already not healthy. I feel my wife could be a “rageaholic” (she comes from an alcoholic family, as do I) and I had been dealing with alcoholism myself which seemed to get worse. Until now, I quit drinking 1 1/2 mos. ago. I don’t think I ever really “loved” my wife, and I think we’re in denial about WHY we married and whether or not we’re even in love. She said we should stay together “for the kids”, but I think this is not the best way. I hope someone has some insight or a story to share.
Schwinn…no girlfriend
Infritsk…I never said I was looking for another relationship
Janetrmi….My wife is religious, I am not
Sandie….What about her anger….that is still there, and she has made no apparent effort to resolve this issue
Paul M…What you say is basically what the book, Too Good to leave, Too bad to stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum states, and I read the book cover to cover.
We have tried counseling several times and she never likes the therapists, I think she doesnt like hearing what they have to say.
In addition to all I’ve said already, I also do not get the feeling she really cares about me, unless she has a vested interest in the situation.

She regularly drives while intoxicated. She’ll drive to the liquor store or even sometimes to pick up the children and their friends from school. When I know she’s drunk I try to stop her. Recently she’s been sneaking out when I’m distracted (like in the shower or something). Seriously, if I called the cops next time would this put an end to her behavior? Would she lose her license? What kind of financial burden would it put on the family? Thanks.

A couple of times a week I like to have some beers after work. I never sit down & drink a ton of beer . . usually between one & five of them. I enjoy getting the ‘buzz’ & watching tv on stressfull days. She complains about it like I am a heroin addict or something.. Is she right?? I thought alcoholics went to meetings.. (bad joke)

Two years ago, she told me a story about getting hit on by a married woman. I was at sea at the time, and she went out with some friends, including the woman and her husband. During the course of the night, it became known that this woman had affairs with other women which her husband approved of, and that she was interested in my wife. My wife claimed she was horrified, but somehow the lady ended up staying at our house that night and wearing my wife’s pajamas. She said she slept ont the couch, stayed there becasue they wanted to avoid driving drunk (but she lived in the same neighborhood) and nothing happened. Since then, we’ve had a kid, marital problems, a lack of sex, and suddenly I remembered this incident and feel like a complete a** for believing it. How should I handle this? I am thinking of asking her point blank. Even if nothing did happen, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to question…

when i first met my wife I found her georgous..the most beautiful thing I ever saw..she had a few self-esteem problems because of the way (others saw her) so she wasnt a size 5..she’s what ppl called “fat” but I didn’t care…I thought she was beautiful and I had to have her..after we got together and got married she used to tell me I made her feel like the person she always wanted to feel like..a beautiful person..now after two years I have ran into a delima…all of a sudden she started hating the way she looked…started going on binge diets where she would fast for a long time..2 and 3 days at a time. She wants to lose weight and wear makeup now…but that is not beautiful to me. I want her just the way she is…how can I change her mind? What have i done to make her self esteem drop again..? I want to be the best husband I can…but I dont want her to change anything…please some advice?
What could be making her want to change who she is? Why doesnt she understand that I think she is perfect the way she is????!!!

She wants to go out and drink every night, it’s okay for me to go with her but if I suggest it’s time to go home, she gets mad and says I am trying to stop her fun. I don’t know what to do I love her madly but I just can’t reason with her.

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ’’Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.’’
The second guy said, ’’Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.’’
The third guy says, “Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.’’
Then the first guy said, ’’No — you guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!”