How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Archive for July 10th, 2010

Married 6 years. Husband’s alcoholism progressively got worse, although he still retained his job as a school administrator. He loves the bars. I tried to keep up with him for a while, but couldn’t. He became verbally abusive, flirted with other women (I can’t prove adultery) and refused to get help. His mother and extended family try to talk to him sometimes, but don’t really force the issue. After all, he is the favorite son and cousin. He and I are both 54. I nagged, begged, made excuses, etc. I went and got him when he couldn’t find his car many a ‘next day’. He is the Cell Phone King and loves to wife bash. He has told lies about me, even sober. He lost his cell phone when he was out TWICE in bars and guess who he blamed? He finally left after I continually told him that if he wanted to live the single life, he needed to live it outside of our home. He has been gone a month, living in the same town. He has not tried to call or communicate. I don’t want the drama anymore, but I wonder if he truly doesn’t really care and I need to accept it. Is the fact that he doesn’t communicate a sign that he is ready to move on? I can’t ask him anything; he refused to talk about anything serious when he was home.

My ex wife was pulled over while taking our 5 year old child to school for a dui here in california. Her bac was .381 5 times the legal limit. She also had an open container in the vehicle and was charged with I believe felony child endangerment. She has had to go thru a drinking/ drug program when we got divorced in order to get 50/50 custody of our child. She did and now this. She has proven she is inadiquate to be a good mother and I want to get full custody of my daughter and all parental rights. What are my chances?

My wife is the teacher in junior church, she did a series on the ten commandments, I did the summary of how the ten commandments are ties together, break one break them all. My pastor got upset because I did the summary, I struggle with alcoholism and he feels it wasn’t appropriate to teach the kids although he admitted I am a very good teacher. My view is this, everyone has a sin they struggle with in thier life, through thought, action or deed. I’m upset with his statement to me, and now he asks if he can use our conversation in his sermon! We have people who are self righteous, self involved, come to church once in a while, etc. But I get singled out because I have a drink now and then, no I am not a drunkard, I work hard, pay my bills and my family is wanting for nothing. I’m trying to not let this bug me, but it is. I didn’t satnd in front of the kids and tell them it’s ok to drink, and if they had asked me about it I would have told them frankly that I do have a problem and pray.

Here’s an overview of the situation. I am 28, married with 2 kids, my wife and I both work full-time. She is a middle school teacher and I’m in software sales. My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years and married for almost 7 years. I love my kids to death and never want to live without seeing them every single day, but I can hardly stand to be in the same house with my wife.

I am a shy, quiet, easy-going “people-pleaser” and I really try to avoid conflict if possible. My wife is a fighter and a yeller. She has 2 emotions…happy and mad, and the switch can flip to angry in an instant. I’ve actually seen her get sad and cry a few times, but it takes A LOT for her to break down like that. She has this “tough as nails” attitude…it’s totally a front, and underneath it all, I know she’s scared and insecure. I hate saying this about the woman I’m supposed to be in love with, but it’s true.

This woman flies off the handle about every little thing. The house is a little messy? She’s probably going to yell. The kids are stressing her out? Yep, more yelling. Any time she feels stressed, her natural reaction is to yell. I guess that’s true for most people, but a lot of people know how to control their emotions and “cool off” before they explode. Lately, she’s been pretty good about apologizing after she rips me a new one for no reason. But the apologies are getting old quick…I keep telling her that I don’t just want an apology…I want her to NOT YELL at me in the future.

I hate being yelled at…I generally tuck my tail between my legs and back into a corner when people start ripping into me…and if it continues, then I feel the need to defend myself and retaliate. This doesn’t work with my wife, though. If I DARE say anything to defend myself, the situation turns into a very heated, very messy argument that I really have NO CHANCE of winning. She gets irrational at that point and begins just furiously yelling about every little thing, just trying to find reasons to be mad at me. She doesn’t even make sense most of the time. Even if my points are totally valid, it doesn’t matter. She will not ever let me win an argument, which is another reason I try to avoid them in the first place. I really don’t even bother fighting back anymore.

I’ve talked to my close friends, my family, and we’ve even been to counseling. Everyone seems to tell me the same thing…”you’re a good guy, you’re easy to get along with, she’s just mentally unstable and she doesn’t realize what she has”….I’ve heard it over and over again over the last 7 years (before we were married, she wasn’t always like this). It makes her furious when I talk to other people about this, because she feels like I’m just talking crap about her behind her back and making her look bad. That’s not really the case, though. I just want advice from other people, and I want help from my friends and family.

She makes a lot of excuses about why she’s mad. She’s going to school to get her Master’s degree, so she’s under a lot of stress. She’s a teacher and her workday ends about 2 hours before mine every day, so that’s 2 more hours she has to spend with our kids, which causes her to be in a terrible mood. Should those reasons be an excuse for her to yell all the time? I don’t believe so.

I watch the kids every Monday and Wednesday night, while she attends class. I feed them, bathe them, make their lunches, etc, etc. I don’t start yelling at her when she walks in the door, and I don’t ask her to help me with a single thing. I am not the lazy husband who sits around drinking beer and watching sports all night and all weekend. I scrub bathrooms, vacuum/sweep/mop floors, do laundry, clean messes, do most of the yardwork, etc, etc. I would love to be lazy and not do all of these chores all the time, but it’s easier to just do them instead of listening to her yell about it later. I also get yelled at if I ever want to go out with friends, which only happens maybe once every 3-4 months. She will usually give me the silent treatment before I go out, and then when I get home she will start the actual fight. Sometimes I just lie to my friends and tell them I have other plans, because it’s easier than dealing with the argument. So this woman basically controls my life, and my only option seems to be LEAVING, which I don’t want to do.

I want our family to stay together, but I really am at the point where I can’t stand this woman. I sleep on the couch almost every night, and when she asks why I didn’t come to bed, I lie and tell her I “fell asleep watching TV”….when in reality I planned to sleep on the couch all along. I feel very uncomfortable and stiff when she hugs and/or kisses me…I really don’t have any urge to connect with her in a sexual way…I’m just not attracted to her anymore. She’s a very pretty woman, but her attitude makes her ugly to me. I come home every night and the only thing I look forward to is seeing m

When I was going to my university, I kept thinking “If a man goes to college and gets a degree, somebody still decided he makes only X number of dollars a year, so his wife probably has to work and help him out !” . I was going to a psychologist at this point, and he decided I was absolutely, positively, against my wife working and making a paycheck . In reality, I was absolutely, positively, against my wife being a stay — at — home housewife . I kept asking myself “Who says I’ll be able to afford a housewife ?” .

I have to wonder — how much does a man have to make before he can have a stay — at — home housewife ? I imagine a doctor or a lawyer makes enough money to where his wife doesn’t have to work .

My cousin’s third husband was a counselor at an alcoholism treatment center, and he was the only chance my cousin ever had to be a housewife . Was it possible that he really made that much money, or was he just absolutely, positively, against his wife working and making a paycheck ? I once knew somebody whose father had a stay — at — home housewife, and I doubt if he made a lot of money .

The point of Yahoo ! Answers is to ask questions, so here I go — How much does a man have to make before he can have a stay — at — home housewife ? What kind of a job pays that much ? Thank you in advance for your answers .

I’m a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight…..

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re ‘exotic, different.’
* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend five different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.

* If you spend three years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend eight years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the State Senate’s Health and Human Services Committee, spend four years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs Committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.
* If your total resume is: local weather girl, four years on the city council and six years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising two beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.
* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re acting very responsibly.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

* If your husband is nicknamed ‘First Dude’, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now.

can any give me advise how to help her and how i can cope with this situation please

you carry more than 2 extra tires in the back of your truck

you’ve taken a pregnancy test and a sobriety test on the same day

you were married in a Laundromat

you think a “sex change” means trying the backseat

a screwdriver is required to open the trunk of your car

your bucket seats are real buckets

you eat cotton candy more than 3 times a week

the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism

you’ve ever heated a cup of coffee with a welding torch

both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day

there is a 4 wheeler parked in your bedroom

your wedding reception was a tailgate party

you think “home security” means taking the front steps with you when you leave the house

your bar tab has page numbers

you’ve ever been injured playing ping pong

you constantly call the feed and seed store to see if the cat has had her kittens yet

your father in law said you had no class so you spit at him

you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them

your car won’t start because of the wax build up on the key

you get new yard furniture every time the creek floods

the only signal you use while driving is “the finger”

people often mistake you for an Elvis impersonator

you could retire by recycling all the cans in the bed of your truck
part 2 coming soon

I read this from another poster, and it is all true. Isn’t it funny how people buy into fear and hate? It’s called demagogue, that’s what McCain is.

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

* Attend 7 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.

If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you’re very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

* If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

**6 of the past 8 years have been a Republican Majority and Presidency BUT what has happened to the country is ALL the democrats fault.

Hi
My husband and I have a three week new baby boy. It took us a long time and effort to get pregnant – we both wanted this child for a long, long time (been married 10 years). Now that the baby here I can’t believe how my husband is acting….He still works late, still enjoys relaxing with a few beers and then wants to handle a newborn – not drunk but he’s not himself. I find this behaviour shocking – didn’t he think his life would change? After 3 weeks he finally felt he was ready to change his first diaper but I wasn’t allowed to help…..I listened to my baby cry for 2 mins. before I forced my way in….he wont let me suggest anything. Not sure how to get through to him – he’s driving me crazy (even more crazy than the usual hormonal crazies I’ve been feeling ie. very protective of my new baby). Or, is it me? Do other husbands act like this? Feeling worried and nervous about this whole situation.
thanks for any advice

This mans beginning life is pretty basic (living in the suburbs in Chicago) When he was about 16 he began drinking in high school, getting drunk on the weekends with his friends and such. However, as high school passed he went on to college to become a Chef, although he didn’t become a Chef because his drinking issues hindered his performance and he dropped out. A couple years later he met his wife and they got engaged. Abruptly and unfortunately two years later his father passed away (age 24). This caused his alcoholism to worsen.
Anyways, he got married and had a kid (boy). However, he became depressed and wanted to do something with his life so he joined the Marine Corps. He fought in Somalia and eventually came back to his wife and kid on the base. Years passed and they moved to Chicago Illinois. The tight little family purchased a perfect little house in a nice neighborhood. Yet, in the years to come, the man began to abuse alcohol more and more. His tight little family slowly torn apart with numerous abusive fights between the man and wife. Eventually the wife and kid left the man to live in New York. Well weeks passed and the man lost his job for coming to work under the influence of alcohol. Again, weeks passed and the house eventually was foreclosed. The man needed to move out and he moved in with his mother (age 37). A month or so passed and he found a girl friend and moved in with her. and in weeks to come he left her because she was an abuser of drugs so he moved back in with his mom. This whole time he’s been lying to his son saying things are going to get better and that he will lose his alcoholism. After living with his mom he found out he had PTSD and couldn’t sleep. In weeks to come, the man made a bad decision to drive drunk and he flipped his car on the high way. The police came and he spent time in jail. When he got out he proceeded to promise his son he would get better. but now he doesn’t have anything, just him and his apartment. No one else (Age 45) all alone, drinking alcohol all the time and lying to his son…

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”
* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard Law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as aConstitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in theUnited States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive and next in line behind a man in his eighth decade.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.
* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and then left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a true Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America ‘s.
* If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

Is this how the double standard works?