How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

Archive for July 3rd, 2010

My wife has recently quit drinking. She is very angry and blames me for many of our troubles. She joined AA on her on but as a result of many train wrecks finally catching up to her. Selfish, angry, in denial, unwilling to talk about all of the problems she created over the past 4 years. She is both untrustworthy and untrusting of me. I am curious what I am in for if our marriage actually survives. Specifially, what are signs that we are on a better path and if there are any what are early warning signs to look for.

One of the major pivotal points in the Great Gatsby involve a fatal drink driving car accident. I think F Scott Fitzgerald wife was an alcoholic, I was wondering if someone who knew the book well could put the incident into it’s 1920′s context.

It’s complicated so please bear with me. My wife agrees her dad is an alcoholic. She knows he was absent in her life growing up, and caused a lot of hurt and pain for her because she knew the drinking always came first – not her.

He pretty much always has a beer in hand, never completely trashed (around us at least). Her dads girlfriend recently made a comment about making this year more about family.

This concerned me, I found myself thinking some pretty negative thoughts about how they want to leech into our lives and onto our hard work (we’ve got our lives together) and that I would just not rather have them in our life. I don’t like the fact that I think this, because I’m usually a pretty caring person, and I find myself second guessing my “hard line in the sand” because I know its her DAD and after all he is part of the family.

Up until now, our relationship has been getting a little closer than it was (her and her dad didn’t speak or even send cards for many years). This is clearly because we had a son, and I think he realizes he messed up with her and wants to makeup for it. So he has been buying our grandson gifts, and took us out to dinner a few times, had Easter at their house (which I was out of town for).To me, I would kind of like to limit it to that, and even that is pushing it. I don’t want to be unreasonable here, and I know I need to take my wifes wants/ needs into this as well but now we are running into a situation where she arranged for them to babysit for us and the whole thing is making me REALLY uncomfortable – like my wife is allowing a serpent to sneak up on our child! I know thats a horrible image, but when she told me that is seriously what I thought. His girlfriend musta been surprised my wife allowed it too, because my wife told me she made the comment “dont worry, I REALLY AM A GOOD GRANDMOTHER”. I guess my view is if you need to say something like that, then you probably aren’t! (though perhaps she is just saying that she isn’t the perpetrator of the bad behavior and trying to distancing herself from him).

My wife’s dad also recently lost his wife (to alcoholism), which may have played a part in his change, but maybe I’m just cold person but I don’t think so. I should mention that my wife seems to fool herself into believing the problems between her and her dad were caused by his wife (the one who died). So I can see how she might want to try again with him with her not there, but I think we both know deep down that, while his late wife may have been very mean to her (my wife) as a child, HER DAD was the one who made the choice to not put a priority on his daughter (my wife).

I am torn, because it would be nice if they wanted to be in our life, but I do not want them in our life on THEIR terms of current lifestyle. And I DON’T want for my son to be negatively impacted by this – in any way shape or form AT ALL. My wife and I also agree that these is little to zero chance that her dad will change. I wish my wife were stronger, But I KNOW that she will not confront him about his drinking problem, for whatever reason she is scared. I think its because she knows that if forced to pick between us (HER) and the bottle, he will choose the bottle – and that would open up deep wounds from childhood for her.

So she seems content to receive them with open arms, thinking any positive change they make is good. I agree, but where we differ is that I feel like we need to set some kind of boundaries and limit our relationship with them until they change. And even if they do change, I’ve been around alcohol long enough that I know once someone is an alcoholic they can easily fall back especially when they’ve been into that lifestyle for 40+ years.

PLEASE HELP!!

What should we do? Do I need to be the ****** in this situation? Part of me says “MAN UP” and protect your son and I know that I will do that if I need to, as of now I’ve let her take charge of matters concerning her family and so have been the a nice guy around her dad and his girlfriend. However, if I do exchange words with him, I know it will probably get heated and I will wind up issuing him an ultimatum and then my wife will be mad at ME!

If it were up to me, I’d say “drop em”. Don’t need that in my life. But then again, would I be like that to my dad or mom? Probably not. So I need to be careful, I wish my wife would get the strength to see this situation for what it is, but in the meantime – what boundaries can and should be set without totally driving them out of our life? This is hard.
>>there’s no reason to cut him out completely unless he is causing issues within your family (and that doesn’t appear to be the case right not at least.).

OK, I figured I already wrote enough, but I should’ve made clear that alchol has been an issue for me & my wife. Thankfully we have both learned that drinking in moderation is OK. But, before that it nearly ruined our relationship.
As long as Gramps isn’t left alone with the child I don’t see the harm.

My personal opinion is that you don’t like them and so don’t want them around, child or not.

Ryde On, I hear you – that is precisely what I am worried about. Problem is, I don’t dislike them. They are fun people to be around, that makes it even harder actually, because who doesn’t want to have fun. I don’t want to have to be the bad guy, but on the other hand – he what we’re talking about is he is being left alone with Gramps. How can I as a father allow my son to be put in a situation that I know is hazardous to him? I know life is a risk and I certainly don’t want to shield him too much, but thats part of what makes this so hard. Why should WE have to compromise OUR life instead of him changing his?
THANK YOU FOR THE INSIGHTS EVERYONE. This is helping me.
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You even say he is never drunk around you so I don’t really see the problem here. He’s not making a rukus, he’s not causing anyone harm (maybe to himself) . . .
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Well, I did say that he isn’t drunk around us. Maybe he just hides it well, or I have given him too much credit. Let me say, I dont think I’ve ever seen him without a beer in hand. 10:30 am. Doesn’t matter, theres a beer open. I’m NOT saying he is a bad guy, on the contrary – I like him. But I wouldn’t agree that he isn’t causing anyone harm. I have seen the harm his drinking has caused to my wife, her childhood was hellish. It’s not a “get in your face and beat you up” kind of harm, its more of a passive kind of harm thats hard to describe. But imagine one of your family members or friends, who you think you know, you figure you can count on them but when you need them the most they’re not there. They ditched you for something better to do (drinking) or stayed out too late the night before and are hung over
If you make plans with someone and they break them enough times, eventually, you begin to wonder if this person wants to be your friend or only wants to be there when its convenient for them. Now, please understand, that is the lowest level kind of hurt, but in my life if someone treats me like that I won’t put any effort into them and find a better friend. Problem is, you’re stuck with your family. The problems from alcohol have roots that extend far beyond whether a person gets violently drunk. Yes, I want my son to have a family that he knows he can count on, but the reason I am concerned is because I know how much of a hazard leaving him with a drunk is. You light the fuse enough times, eventually it is going to reach the dynamite. I just don’t feel comfortable putting my son in a situation like that (whether it be putting him into a car that his drunk grampa is driving or otherwise). Hope that helps where I’m coming from, lived through many of the problems alcohol causes.

My wife and I are/were alcoholics, she had been abusive and cheated on me{I LET HER BACK 3YRS AGO}…she & I had a fight and I left had a few beers and parked down the road from the house.I got a dwi..was forthright with my job and they took my $2 million sales territory like I was meat for the hungry wolf pack.My went off the deep end stopped taking her meds flipped out started punching and kicking me, I backup blocking but getting kicked in the groin into the kitchen and she came at me with a 12” knife,she was so out of control and fearing some-one would get hurt I was cornered,I TRAPPED THE ARM and she wouldn’t drop the weapon so I poped her in the face,it all happened so fast,and she was so violent I just reacted. I held her down and then let her up,She just kept coming at me IHELD HER DOWN telling my daughter to call 911,mommy was drunk and out of control.She didn’t press charges but the P.D. did.My daughter tried to tell them Daddy was defending himself but NOWAY.Any suggestions

HOW DID HIS WIFE HELP HIM OVER COME HIS DRUG ABUSE AND ALCOHOLISM ?

I get them on weekends (court ordered) but I’m usually drunk when I go to their house. She won’t let them drive with me but isn’t that illegal? If it’s a COURT ORDERED joint custody, I have a right to take them, drunk or not. And don’t give me the whole thing about driving drunk is illegal too. It’s 2010 for chrissakes. People drive drunk now. Get over it. I usually let one of them drive half way home anyway (the oldest is 7). It’s a little travelled country road and we switch places in the city.

My wife and I have been marreid for 18 years and together for 20 years.She has quit drinking for a few months at a time in the 10 years with the most recent being 2.5 years ago.One year ago I got a phone call from the hospital informing me that the police and ambulance had rush her into the hospital and was under sucide watch.I used to work 600 kms from home. Because of this she told me that she was lonely and that I would have to quit my job and stay home, which I did. I no longer drink and have not for 4 years. I thought this would make it easier for her to quit drinking,I was wrong. In the last 2.5 years she has gotten worse hiding beer around the house and drinking for days on end. We have dogs and I now get up at 4:30 am to feed them because I have come home and she hasn’t feed or waterd them all day. She doesn’t work cook, clean or do anything else any more, just drink and lie to me her mother, sisters.I work 12 a day.I sleep in the spare bedroom and have given up. What can I do?

He had a New York or similar accent, looked Italian, thin and in good shape. Made a lot of jokes about drinking, alcoholism and his relationship with his wife. Including a joke that went something like this… “I walked into my surprise birthday party and for a split second thought”, “oh crap, is this an intervention?”, “then when everyone yelled surprise thought”, “cool we’re drinking”… Also another joke about his wife not letting him eat ice cream past 10 o’clock.
He had a New York or similar accent, looked Italian, thin and in good shape. Made a lot of jokes about drinking, alcoholism and his relationship with his wife. Including a joke that went something like this… “I walked into my surprise birthday party and for a split second thought”, “oh crap, is this an intervention?”, “then when everyone yelled surprise thought”, “cool we’re drinking”… Also another joke about his wife not letting him eat ice cream past 10 o’clock.

Someone replied Rich Vos… Its not him but he kind of looks similar to him… a little younger though.

now i trying to become an police officer i did law enforcement while i was in the millitary and my problem is i got a dwi while i was in and now im wondering if i can become an police officer. it was the only thing ive ever di dwrong i have a good conduct medal and good charector statements from all my comanding officers it has been three years since that happen and now i have a whole new life i have 2 children and a wife. do you think they will hire me?

My aunt lives out of state. She was very supportive to me when I was a teenager, helped my dad with his alcoholism and helped him so that I could go out to visit her brother when he and my mom divorced.
The years have passed and I am in my forties and my aunt is well “retirement age.” My mother tells me that I should call her once a month but whenever I call my aunt insists on knowing when I am coming to see her. It’s about a 14 hour drive unless I take a plane. My wife and I like to plan our vacation time to go to beach resort areas, but every summer I find a have to lie about when our summer vacation is- otherwise she will insist that we spent our entire vacation time with her. She also has a winter place in Florida but down there every one is double our age. My wife is adament about not going to see her unless we must. How do I handle my out of state aunt by being honest but not disrespectful?

and marry a rich step-ford wife who gets rich by selling the only legal drug that kills more family’s by mangling them in car wrecks as in drunk driving?
and do you think this is the most retarded question ever?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AoDTZeqmjSqnp9TKZbgaYPDQ7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20081016162427AANcIyf

My uncle just passed away by means of suicide. He was an alcoholic and alcoholism runs in my family. His ex-wife is also an alcoholic. Together they had a now 7 year old son who is my cousin. My family is small, consisting of me, mom, and grandma. She does not keep good contact with us and my cousin really needs to know who his family is and that we are here for him. He has witnessed them fighting (physically and verbally) and has developed behavioral problems and does not follow directions because she does not take proper care of him. He does what he wants because there are no rules, and has had to get up and feed himself in the mornings since he was 3 because she wouldn’t get out of bed until 4pm. Social Services has been involved with the school, and they would have granted custody of him to my grandma but she is too old to care for him. My mom doesn’t have the financial stability to either. So that leaves me….but I’m 24 with a husband and a 6 month old baby. And I will be going back to school in April. My husband is all for taking him in, and I am too so that he can have a fair chance at life and not fall into the cracks of alcoholism. But this is a life changing decision and I’m not so sure that I am 100% ready to do something like this. Sometimes I feel that I’m being selfish because I am young and I still want to be able to go out and have fun. Having my 6 month old is one thing, but him plus a 7 year old is another. So, should I adopt my cousin? I feel that for his sake I should, but at the same time I don’t know.
He is still with his mother now and she will not return anyone’s phone calls. I know it would be a battle, and I have told my grandma she is entitled to visitation rights. All of this is new….my uncle just passed away Thursday.

I have an acquantance who has a high powered wife who is an alcoholic. She drinks a bottle of wine at just about every occasion. She gossips and tells lies about people all the time.
Her husband is no help, as he is someone who hates his own culture and skin color. What to do?
It is difficult to remain friends with them because of their judgemental personalities.
If a person likes to drink…….Am I obligated to say….wow thats a little too much. or if someone is racist against their own race……..how do I take it. Do i just stay quiet?

Let’s say a man John has two children. He had been in a car wreak his wife died. It was believed that John was DWI. He was convicted of vehicular homicide. The grandparents terminated all his parental rights. They are now trying to adopt the children.
There was a mishandling on the time Johns blood test. The DWI conviction was overturned around the same time the grandparent’s petition for adoption.
He had no time to inform the court of his overturn DWI before the adoption proceedings occur.
What can John do to get his parental right back?
The grandparents have a conservatorship?
If you know of any resent cases that deal with this matter please site.
yes i know the difference between the two. But they are filling for adoption. Oka the reason im asking is because its a school project and i wanted some input.