How Do I Get My Wife Off Drugs?

My boyfriend and I have a baby together and we live together. His ex-wife abused him when they were together and hid the entire pregnancy of their second child, from him sought no medical attention and binge-drank during this pregnancy. She primarily raised them when he was in the military and they appear to have behavioral traits that reflect low self-esteem. It is heartbreaking but not especially shocking considering the unsanitary and disheveled appearance they have when they return from their mothers’ home. He has them five days a week. I have an older child and have helped him care for these girls. This is partly because of the information I naturally had already from raising a child. Their mother continually engages in behavior that shows she is a very “passive” parent. She showed in interest in finding different pre-schools for them, When it came to Kindergarten, she showed no interest in finding or applying for a school or after-care program for her older daughter. She can’t be bothered to do basic things like treat her child for lice or consistently give her athlete’s foot medicine. I stepped in and assisted him with these things since he wasn’t. Ok. Nothing to be done about that.
My boyfriend gives me money but rarely helps with our baby. In the past five months, he has taken her on three walks. Sometimes he has managed to not see the baby for days at a time.
I asked him to go with me to a friend’s home for dinner he refused. However he agreed to go trick-or-treating with his ex-wife(which I argued with him overs so he didn’t). He went to her home for Thanksgiving. Two weeks later he attended a school birthday party w/her and was less-than forthcoming about the arrangement, then the next day he attended a pre-school event in the evening with her, that he didn’t tell me about even though I have often dropped-off and picked-up the girl from that school. His ex-wife tells him things that have nothing to do with the children. This include things such as; her brother’s girlfirend;s miscarriage, the last time she had sex, her own pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage last year. He then wonders why she calls him for trivial matters. He thinks nothing of talking to her late at night, or the two ofthem texting back and forth at odd hours. He gets annoyed that she calls him and tries to engage him in unnecessary conversation. I say he sends her mixed messages. She was married to him less than four years and still has his last name. I think he relates to her like when they were married-walking on eggshells. The children are exceptionally tired and cranky on the days their mother drops them off at school. He tells me he can’t talk to her about certain things because she will just lie(for ex. the time she gets them to bed), but then why hang around somebody so much that you feel that way about? He isn’t even sure if the child from the second pregnancy is his(his children lokk NOTHING alike), seeing as not only did she admittedly have an affair w/another soldier(one he knew) while her husband was in the ARMY, she took out a loan for this lover and put up the car her husband owned since before he knew her as collateral. She then asked her husband to repay it when the guy skipped out, and this guy may be the father of his second daughter that he is raising and that I have helped him with-he refuses to get a DNA test. I think he is in denial. With all that it seems pathetic that he works so hard to make sure the children have their mother(even though she appears distinterested) to the point where he doesn’t mind excluding me from social functions or obligating himself to them without consulting me. Seeing as she appears to be a very uninvolved parent, it seems all these arrangments and communication with her are excessive. I understand they have to havea civil relationship, but some of it appears just plain inappropriate and disproportionate considering her lack of passion when it comes to the children. She requested the divorce. He takes the girls to counseling and other activites and she does nothing. He does all this and wonders why she referred to him as her”best friend” on facebook. She also expressed regret of not being able to “go back” o what she had before. I think they are over-involved. Also, she has harasssed me in the past.
He has them five days/wk.
Actually Garnett, with all due respect….I am not questioning the acquisition of headlice. I pick the children up and I see for myself the condition the children are in. The children love me and they have behavioral problems at school that they complain about. Also the ex-wife with whom I have soken) wllingly made the arrangment for him to have them five days/wk. I havean older chil who isn’t beglected so why would I encourage him to neglect his children/. My baby with him is his child too. When he was thinking about putting them in counseling, I found different resources for him and he actually ended doing one of them.

For your attitude that appears so smug, where what University did you use when you acquired your PhD? His mother used to complain about the condition the children would present with and I didn’t assume anything until I saw it for myself. Also less than 1% of women hide pregnancies. I have known him for 17 yrs, I attended the baptismal party for her older
older child that she attended, she was 7 mths pregnant then and seeking no medical or alternative attention. Her mother and her identical twin with whom she was close and lived and worked with during part of his deployment and her pregnancy did not know about the baby. She binge-drank alcohol when she was pregnant and her husband stayed. Also, at least I am not giving out names and I am publicly asking advice, but instead of being helpful you are being hateful. I have children of my own. I don’t want his. His three year old kept complaining that “grabbed”her neck and the pre-school called CPS. Because the mother played nicety-nice, the case was dropped. Also, she has harassed me in the past, she only cemented his position on complaints. So, why don’t you reapproach with some more of that Southern Hospitality I hear about?
I think it is important to have a “civil relationship” for the kids. I think it is pathetic to use children as pawns to make a relationship where there is none. I am glad you have four well-adjusted adult children. I imagine you had the wherewithal to love them deeply and care for them properly. I imagine this included washing and brushing their hair at three and four years old. I also imagine you showed interest in where they went to school. You got too afford that I know a little of what I am talking about. It isn’t uncommon for an abuse victim to continue relating to the abuser the same way to avoid conflict even if the ultimate result is enabling.
Furthermore, while you are being so Puritanical, he actually asked me to marry him. I declined. While he is far from perfect his wife concealing a pregnancy is a strange occurence(less than 1%) of women. You have to afford I know a little of what I am talking about. He married her while she was a pregnant minor and stupidly-they offered him $10,000 extra for Basic training because of it.

2 Responses to “Should I be concerned? I think his abusive ex uses the children to have a over-involved relationshipw/him.?”