September 2nd, 2010 | 
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I like to think I tried very very hard. However it wasn’t enough. I am not going to sit here and tell you I am perfect because I am not, the main reason she left me was because on average, once or twice a year I would get so intoxicated I didn’t know what I was doing and ended up pushing/shoving her around. I never slap her or beat her per say, however it is still just as bad. Why I would do something like this to someone I love so much, ?? I know I will never ever touch another bottle of Liquor as long as I live and God as my witness. She has only been gone two days now and the pain is killing me. I have custody of my children from a previous marriage and I feel like a Zombie around them. I just need someone to confide in, something to just make it by. I think there may still be hope for our marriage, however at this point I wonder if she deserves better and I should just grin and bare it for her sake. I know not what to do, Only that I have made the biggest mistake of my life and will never recover from it.
Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom. It does all sound easy. There are alot of other women in this world, yes, but she is my soulmate. She is the nicest person I have ever met in my life. She has never had a bad word to say about anyone. She is truly “one in a million”. Which is why I think she probably deserves better than I. Oh, I know very well what I did, and do realize what alcohol has cost me. No, I will never be influenced by that again. I don’t drink all the time, just socially, couple of times a month. She has been in and out of the hospital for months and months and I have always been right by her side, even though members of her own family never show up as promised. I worry more about her health than anything else. She does love me, I know, however I think the medication she is on is affecting her state of mind on a regular basis as her moods have grown more and more sporadic. Sorry for going on and on…Helps to let it out.. I miss her so. She won’t return my calls.
I just got back from taking my kids to the movies. I could not do anything but think about where she was, what she was doing, If she was thinking of me at all?
All the while smiling and nodding trying to hide my true feelings. Don’t know how much longer I can keep it together. I’ve got a constant knot in my stomach, Managed to force down a few handfuls of popcorn tonight…I’m self employed, and have not been to open my store in two days and I do not even have a care to check the voicemails….How on earth can anything hurt this bad…Please tell me there is a magic pill that can make this all go away….
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I think you’re on the right track by admitting what you’ve done. It seems that she senses a trigger there that might be harmful and rightfully so.Your best bet is to see if you both can get some counseling and start your friendship over again. You’ve got nothing to lose except your quick temper that I bet you have. Good luck and I hope it works out for you and the kids.
You are feeling sorry for yourself. Quickly snap out of it if you have children in your care? OK you pushed her around. We cannot accept any sort of violence and we cannot justify it in any form. I actually think you are a really lovely person as you feel bad and are accepting responsibility. You know, stop beating yourself up and believe in yourself. You are hurting now but this hurt will not last forever. She is now gone but may come back. You say you did not know what you were doing when you got drunk but you knew what you were doing when you started to get intoxicated. So you realise that you have the choice not to get that way again. You have made a mistake but not a huge mistake. So I suggest this. Phone a counsellor and make an appointment straight away in the hope that you will never do this again. Then make contact with your wife and tell her what you have done. Stay calm and do not get emotional, just be in control. Tell her you would like her to support you in your endeavour to make things right as you love her and the children. Ask her if there is anything at this time that you could do to make life easier for her? No matter what, just listen to her but do not act like a person that would agree to anything that would jeopardise your effort to sort yourself out. I am sorry to say this but one woman is just one women in this whole wide world and there are millions of them out there that could make you happy and love you. Try to look for your strengths as a person and realise you are a good person and just because you make a mistake, it does not mean you do not deserve to be loved and valued as a person. But in the meantime, be strong and do not be a zombie around your children. They will always be there for you and you need to take them for an outing and just sit still and treasure the moments and enjoy what beauty is around you. You will be fine. Much love to you. XXXXX Carole
Show your wife that you are making a specific effort about the problem with alcohol. I know that you mean that you will never touch a drink again, and I hope that is true but you will have to show your wife. I would suggest a family therapist but if you can’t afford it try AA http://www.aa.org?Media=PlayFlash or
SOS (Save our Sobriety a secular recovery group) http://www.sossobriety.org/ to show her that you are making an effort to remain sober permanently. There are lots of people at these groups who understand that you can confide in. You can find these groups on line or local meetings.