September 2nd, 2010 | 
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My H has been an alcoholic for years. He has had past history of dv with ex wife and ex gf. This weekend we got in a fight in the car, we had both been drinking, I was driving. He faked like he was calling the cops and had a whole conversation while a police car w/ lights on came down the hill after he got off the phone. I swung open handed and hit his chin, he swung closed fist and hit me in my glasses which cut open the bridge of my nose. I took off and left that night, but I came back the next morning. He said he would give me a divorce and leave if I wanted. He said he deeply regreted everything that happened, but I shouldn’t have hit him, because then I was instigating the violence. I think he was wrong for pretending to call the police.
He has a tendancy to binge drink on the weekend and most of my friends don’t want to be around him. Which leaves his buddies that do drink constantly. We have a 2 yr old son and I have an 8 yr old dtr. I do love him.
But I am not sure if he really can change like he says he wants to. I told him next time we are done. But should I go to anger management or some sort of counseling? We have been together for 3 years, he is also bipolar and stopped taking his meds two months ago. He says he wants to change but then he does the same thing every weekend. I told him we both need to be accountable to each other to not drink and talk to each other better. What next?
I am not an alcoholic and am not making excuses for myself, I would not have even mentioned anything about me doing anything wrong if I was… My kids were taken care of at the babysitters, they didn’t see anything.
Hey teacherintheroom I had 2 beers he had 10 he was doing his typical emotional phsychological crap… Sorry that you have never been in that position before. I am 29 I do not drink all the time, if I have 3 drinks in a weekend thats a lot.
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The best thing you can do is eliminate this looser from your life. You deserve better.
He needs rehab. Try to get him to go into a clinic. It will make a world of difference if he goes through it.
If he refuses you have to decide whether to stay in the relationship. The physical violence has got to stop. Consult a lawyer where you live about getting an order of protection that will remove him from the house and keep him away from you.
You really need to leave.
He is bipolar not taking his meds, and binge drinking. He obviously doesn’t want to change. By the way the first time me and my ex husband had a fist fight, the next day he said the same thing too, that he would give me a divorce. I stuck with him for six years, trying to make it work. When I finally wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t give it to me right then, it took a whole year to convince him. I had often looked back and wished I had taken him up on his first offer. Maybe you should consider it, you don’t marry someone to change them, because you really can’t, you marry someone because you love who they are.
You are both wrong and you both need professional help. You should not have hit him, regardless of what he was doing. Violence is not the answer, and that is exactly what you are going to teach your children. Get some counseling and some anger management help and learn to be better parents.
I think its better to leave him at once than expecting him to get better every weekend.but before that get him counselling done…even if that will not happen then alcoholics never hav chance to get back to normal life with few exceptions… u have a daughter n son,,,its important u take care of them with some responsibility when there father isnt capable of..dont make them victims of ur blind love to ur husband..one who hit can kill u also…
leave him
Sounds like you both need anger management and to join AA.
So you are saying instead of just getting a DUI you wanted to spend the night in jail for domestic violence/asault, because he pretended to make a phone call? Thats not good. If you thinking drinking is a problem , then dont do it. Control yourself and by the way where are your kids while your out drinking?
It is too easy to play the blame game and you seem to point the finger quite nicely at him with a lot of different excuses, you are both to blame for your life and should both seek counseling if you want this to work
Good luck to you.
you are focusing on him. You need to look at yourself. What are you doing making babies and playing house with someone that you don’t respect and who has no respect for you.
Stop playing the victim. You picked him and you are at least half responsible.
It isn’t about him or you. What are you doing for or to your children. Get some counseling.
you need to get him off alcohol and tell him that you will go back to him when he is off. do you really want to put your kids through this? it isnt fair to them. they are the ones that you need to potect.
1. Both of you need counseling. If he’s not willing to go with you then he’s not going to change and, for the sake of the children and your safety, you need to walk.
2. He, and perhaps you too, need to join AA or other support group for addicts. He is an addict whether he will admit it or not. If he’s not willing to admit admit this and take steps to manage the addiction then you’re looking at nothing but increasing problems.
At this point, you need to be concerned with the effect the drinking and fighting are having on your children and with your own safety.
Despite what so many people say, love will not conquer all problems.
Where I am from, you both would have gone to jail for DV battery. I think you both need to leave the alcohol alone. If you knew your husband has a history of DV with more than one person, do you really think he will stop? He’s not going to. The longer you stay there and put up with his abuse, it will continue and worsen.
You both need professional help. Counseling, rehab and he needs to stay on his meds. If he’s not willing to take this serious and get professional help, then divorce him. Your children are going to suffer greatly by staying in this unhealthy relationship.
Why did you hit him? Why were you drinking and driving (alcohol sounds like a no-no for BOTH of you!!!)? and WHY did you go back? You didn’t leave your children there, did you? They didn’t witness any of this, did they?
You both need counseling. I think he needs to go into at least a 30 day in-patient program for alcoholism. Give him an ultimatum – either he goes to rehab and you both get counseling or the marriage is over.
My hubby (of 4 yrs) went to rehab 15 years ago and hasn’t had a drink since. I know his ex wife (because of the kids) and he has changed a lot since those days. You guys can do it too!
Good luck! :)
P.S. You might want to get some counseling for the 8 year old too. The counselor at school can help her if you can’t afford anything else.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this! I know it’s very difficult to live with an abusive husband…and some do change, but only if they want to….it has nothing to do with how much we beg them or anything we do or so….in other words, you can’t make him! With that being said, if it’s gone on this long, it is going to be even harder for him to change because it’s become easier for him…you’ve made it that way by accepting and forgiving!
I definately think anger management or at least counseling would help you. It’s important to learn to control your “re-actions” to his actions….although many would say you are justified in getting angry or just plain fed up by his behavior, you have to realize that how you react to it is either going to make it worse or make it better! I found this out the hard way!
He needs to get some help as well, because there will be no hope for the marriage if you’re just seeking help to deal with his problem…he’s the one with the problem….so you alone seeking help would be like treating the symptom, not the disease! This is going to involve not only AA but a change in lifestyle…which means new friends and possibly a new job if he works where there will temptation to drink…so like I said, he HAS to want to make the change, becuase it’s going to be huge!
I wish you all the luck in the world….but do talk to someone to help encourage you and re-build your self worth!
I definitely think that it would help to go to counseling and anger management, but both ya’ll, both of you made a mistake that led up to the hitting, but he should know that no matter how hard you hit him, it would never match the strenght of a guy, no matter what! My sister is bipolar, and trust me when i tell you, he will not change at all, if he doesn’t start taking his pills, bipolar disorder is a chemical in balance in his brain, so it’s not like he does it on purpose, he was just born that way, and something that happened in his past trigger his bipolar to get worse, like i always say love isn’t everything in a relationship! email me back and let me know what you think
So much of this is awful it’s hard to know where to begin.
First off, if YOU were drinking and driving SHAME ON YOU! You have children! What were you thinking! THAT is a HUGE problem. Not only could you have killed yourself and him but you would have left your kids with no parents. Nice job!
Second, let’s look at this marriage: YOU married a man KNOWING that he had a drinking problem AND a history of violence, not only with his wife but with a girlfriend as well? THAT says a lot about YOU. Why did you marry him in the first place? Are you a sadist? Sounds like you married into a HUGE mess.
Third: You hit him first. Not that a man should ever hit woman, but you know, a woman should not hit a man either. Open fist or closed makes no difference. You hit first, you should have expected it. Especially since he has a past history of violence. What did you think he was going to do, sit there and take it? He was wrong. Absolutely. But you have NO right to judge or complain because you are the one that took it to the next level.
Grown up do not hit when they get made. That’s what little kids do and their parents punish them for it. What you did showed an ENORMOUS lack of self control and maturity. Granted, you were drinking but plenty of people drink and don’t hit their spouse when they are angry.
Oh, and by the way, he should have REALLY called the police! You had no business being behind the wheel of the car. He might have been drinking too but out of the two of you, at least HE had the good sense to know you should not be driving. If I had to choose between the two of you, I’d rather have driven with him. At least he was making sense.
I’m not sure what your question is but here is some advice:
Take him up on his divorce offer. You need to get out of that situation and fast. For yourself and your kid. YOU cannot change him no matter how much you love him. It’s not possible. He has to change himself. And if he’s that willing to give you a divorce, he’s already given up on himself and your marriage. Get out now.
Then, YOU need to get some help. First for your drinking and second for your mental health. You need to figure out why you would marry such a loser. I suspect that if you go around hitting people that make you mad, you probably have some anger issues as well. Regardless of what your issues are, you obviously need professional help. I suggest you get some right away.
Oh, and quit drinking. Period.
Sounds like you both need to be attending AA. poor children
u hit him first…what did u expect him to do…
NO HITTING…if u didn’t hit him first sounds like he would never have hit you…sounds like you both deserve each other…he is a drunk and u are an abuser
You could also title this question-
Help, hubby hit me, because I hit him first…..
Should you be able to hit hubby with no consequences? No.
you shouldnt be out drinking with an alcoholic that was mistake number 1, and you didnt explain why you got so mad that he was calling the police. But you shouldnt hit someone EVER much less when he is driving. i personally think you to belong together. i hope that your kids look up to someone other than the 2 of you so they have a chance of being good people.