September 1st, 2010 | 
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My wife has two little boys by her previous husband.There father is good to them but he wishes to keep drugs in his life. My wife supported him throughout their marriage and she has for the most part since we have been together. She has participated in his rehab classes, she has given him cash to put gas in his car to come see the kids, even went and picked him up and allowed him to stay in the house to dry out for 3 days. I have objected to all of this and yet the response is that i need to do” whats best for the boys”. Where do I draw the line?
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that’s up to you but she is obviously good friends with him and feels the need to keep him around for her children
WOW! That is TOUGH, and you are a saint. I have two boys myself (7 and 11), so this kind of resonates with me.
I think your wife’s heart is in the right place, but I’m not so sure about the rest of it. Being supportive is one thing, but she’s married to YOU now. His family needs to step in and do the things that she is doing.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHT:
Tell your wife that you knew she came as a “package deal” (she and her boys), but that did NOT include her ex-husband!
Where do you draw the line? I give you props for letting your wife’s ex-husband stay at your house! I would have drawn the line well before that.
her boys, her life, her ex – HER CHOICE!!!
if you can’t take it and support her, then perhaps you should see about ending the relationship…
It sounds like her ex is still a very big part of her life, but that doesn’t mean that you need to feel threatened by him. It is possible for a couple to split up and still remain very good friends. As long as her ex isn’t trying to break the two of you up or get your wife back I don’t think I would worry too much about it.
You have to remeber he will always be in her life for the kids and it is better if all parties get along. Only you can choose what is to much. Once he begins t oinvade on you and your wife personal space that might be a little to much. She needs to put her current relaitonhip before hers and teh ex, alhtough the children do always come first.
The gas I could deal with, the rehab class I would definately be uncomfortable with (spending time / bonding with her ex-husband), but I would NOT allow the ex to live (dry out) in my house. If she disregarded me on the house issue, divorce paper work would follow shortly.
Well, it’s hard to argue with her logic. She DOES need to do what’s best for the boys. But there has to be a balance between that and what you’re willing to accept, because she ISN”T single, and some of the things she does affect you a lot. My boundaries would be no on the rehab classes and drying out in my house. I would always give him money to come see the boys; that has a direct effect on the children. He’s good to them; that’s really important. His NA sponsor could take on some of these roles, or find someone who could. He needs to cultivate some resources who will do these things for him; I think she is enabling him, as she probably did during their marriage (enabling him to use without serious consequence).
She could benefit from some meetings at Alanon. If she understood that her behavior isn’t benefitting him, is in fact hurting him, she might stop.
Draw the line a long time ago. Like hell he would stay in my house. My kids dad or not. Maybe he keeps pulling bs to see what all she will do for him? I would put a stop to it. It can’t be good for the children to see him all druged up.
I admire your wifes efforts to make it as easy as possible for him to have a relationship with his kids, I am positive she is doing this for the childrens sake, not his, and I am sure that the kids benefit from this, but he also does too, and this is were I do not see this as fair to you.
I would want my spouse to honor my mixed feelings, but on a completly differnet note, he isnt attempting at all on his own, you cant force someone to be a parent, they either are, or they arent, its that simple….suggest maybe that she cut him off for a bit, see if he makes any attempt or effort to get better, the longer she strings him along, the longer its going to take for him to grow up and smell the roses, I can assume she was in a mothering roll in their relationship as well? Maybe its hard for her to let go, sometimes we get so acustomed to caring for others, we forget that we dont have to!
I would draw the line at having him at your house, unless its a snowy night and theres no way of him getting home, or hes seriously injured himself and needs a nights stay, I would say no, you do not support his lifestyle choices and you do not want him in your home, you honor the reasons your wife is beign so nice, and you admire them all, but bottom line , this situation is begining to affect you and your relationship. She might get angry with you, but I think you will feel better getting it out there to her, you sound like a great guy, the children clearly wont be lacking a positive father figure in thier lives, its time she cut this guy off the long chord he has her own
I don’t think you should worry about anything romantic happening between them. I think she’s just being a good friend and trying to give her kids the chance to have a good father. You sound like an incredible man and your wife must be the best friend anyone could wish to have. I don’t know you, but you two seem like two great people who have very kind hearts. Maybe you could talk to her and tell her you don’t oppose her giving the ex-husband some support, but that it makes you uncomfortable having him stay at your home. Meet in the middle; compromise. Both of you have to give and sacrifice equally for the sake of your relationship.
Having a christian and charitable heart toward him is an honorable thing. But the best thing for those boys is to keep them as far as possible from an addict. Having him around endangers them physically, emotionally, financially. Perhaps he would feel a motivation to overcome if he knew his habit was costing him his relationship with his sons. On top of that, in many states, if you willingly brought addicts into your home to “dry out”, and you had kids, teachers or medical personnel would be required to report you to family services for endangering your children.
So it sounds like you have to get some back bone here. Talk to a councilor, even if you want to tell a “story” about a “friend of yours in this situation” just to be safe – and see what actions they recommend. You can even call family services and ask for their advice about this “friend” of yours. Then present your wife with the advice from the agency.
It’s obvious that she has love for him, and she wants him to be a good father to her children, but at the same time she can’t go around being super woman and teaching him how to be grown he has to do that on his own, it’s good to support someone but to a certain point I think you should tell her to calm down just a little, that u understand where’s she’s coming from but tell her how u feel about it, and compromise this whole siuation if not things might get a little out of hand. You have to communicate so there won’t be nobody wondering about anything
It is good for the kids to keep their father in their life, but what kind of influence is a father on drugs? He definitely needs support if he is actually trying to get cleaned up, but is he really actually trying?
I think you need to sit down with your wife and try to lay out some guidelines that both of you agree on. He should not be financually supported by you or your wife, If he needs to see his kids and really wants to see them then he should take the necessary actions to make sure it can happen.
*** MILDRED IS MY LEADER***
Where you draw the line is up to you. What can you live with?
Sounds like you should talk with your wife. Try to be open, honest, and do not attack. You’ve already made a choice to be with her and this is part of her life – and, therefore, yours.
Talk things out and come to something you both (or hopefully, all) can live and deal with.