August 11th, 2010 | 
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Sorry…this is WAY long.
My wife and I are working through her long term affair with an ex-boyfriend and I have to thank YA responders for helping me while I figured out what was going on during her frequent business trips. I’m admittedly clueless about relationships because I’ve always been focused on jobs, education, and most recently starting my own business. I’m madly in love with my wife and won’t consider leaving her…no matter what a few responders suggested. Since we had the big talk where she admitted to the affair, we’ve been talking about it, and our relationship, every chance we get. We promised to put everything on the table…leaving nothing out…and it’s been enlightening to say the least. We’re both super busy, but we set aside Wednesday and Sunday nights for talking…about anything we want. She didn’t say anything at first, but it’s coming out that my lack of focus on her was a bigger deal than I knew. She knew I loved her, but I was neglecting her too…especially when I was starting my business about five years ago. The hours have been long and vacations non-existent, and looking back I can see her point. But I didn’t have a clue until she told me. As open as we’ve been, most of the talk has been serious and we’ve even danced around a few issues. Saturdays are “date night”, where we toally ignore the affair and serious talk and just have fun. She recently worked her butt off getting back in shape and has a whole new wardrobe to show off the results so she’s really loving these nights out. We laugh and cut up more than we’ve done in years and it’s definitely having a positive impact on both of us. I think the date nights are almost as important as the communication on other nights. We get drunk enough that we’re having the wildest, most uninhibited sex of our marriage when we get home. She’s looking hotter than ever when she’s out having fun like that, and I’m looking at her compleltely different…sexually speaking. The pillow talk on those nights has gotten decidedly close to her giving out personal details of what happened on her trips. I haven’t asked for that level of honesty yet, but in the heat of the moment we’ve both been teasingly risque about what she did. That only happens after our dates and we’re both slightly intoxicated. Are we on dangerous ground with that, or is it a good way to satisfy my curiosity without being accusatory?
donotbuy got a thumbs down for it, but she seems to understand more about us than most. Almost everyone is giving me a lot to think about though. It IS dangerous ground when you start delving into the sordid details, but aren’t we all curious to know…IF we keep our heads about it anyway.
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Darryl Said that after you found out did you beat the crap out of the ex and make her walk on egg shells Literally
you sound like you have no honor. you shoulda stomped the ex and make her walk on eggshells….since you have not done that or any equivalent most likely she will talk you through it and prolly cheat on you again.
honest truth….women dont really respect men who they treat like crap and they still keep comin back. its hard i know….but anybody who isnt fake will tell you that. good luck……
First off, I would like to commend you for not leaving her. I know that it must be hard staying with some one after they have cheated on you. As for the details, since you have decided to put things behind you and look ahead, I don’t think its wise to ask or even know. It will stir up jealousy, and unwanted emotions which you have chosen to put away. So, I am sorry to say but if this level of denial is working for you than don’t dig to deep..
Dear David,
You are doing beautifully keep up the great work. It is true woman tend to cheat on men when they feel neglected or not noticed, hair, dress etc. As far as the wild nights are great but don’t bring up how the other guy did or did not. She needs to forget this guy don’t bring him in to your bedroom. Just please your woman and listen to her likes and dislikes in the bedroom that is the key. Congratulations on your victory in recovering your marriage.
Good Luck to both of you.~!
If you think you can handle it, then it’s good. You are reaching for a deeper level of trust, which only comes with complete honesty. But be very careful. Whatever is told to you is told to you because she trusts you. Don’t lose your temper and throw any of it back at her, or all of your hard work will have been for nothing.
mad props for working it out!!!! great job accepting SOME of the blame (very rare that just one is to blame).
but as for your question – you DO NOT want to know – LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!! it will eat you alive once you know… just move on.
I’m glad things are working for you. Your set aside nights are a good idea.
I wouldn’t dig into what she did with her ex. It is definitely dangerous ground. What good could come of it? It will only make you more jealous and make her relive the affair.
I will give you my opinion i think that you will always be curious but i think you are better off leaving the situation go reason being that if you are hurt now about the situation you will get more hurt if you actually have details , then again you might somewhat think different of your wife and by what you say you really dont want that. I think since you forgave her its better to just let it go completly although it is hard i cant deny that… but you know what as long as you love her and pay attention to her you are off to a good start…. from my experience i didnt have an affair or cheat on my husband but i did have some conversations with someone in the past that was not right and i feel horrible and in reality all i wanted was someone to listen to me since my husband of 8 months was not lending me his ear… so my point is that you need to be there for her as she needs to be there for you … im not saying that what she did is right but you still need to put some effort into your marriage before you decide to let go….. best wishes….
Yes very dangerous. The details may interest you at first while you are tipsy, but in the cold hard light of day, you will ponder on it and become enraged. Take it from one who’s been there, done that, and got the Tshirt. It ain’t pretty. It gets rather ugly and will become a stick that you mentally and emotionally beat yourself and your wife with. Let it go. If you intend to 4give her and go on, then you must put it in the past and leave it there. UNDISTURBED! Dead and buried. PLEASE.
i would say your on dangerous grounds it could get very ugly.. it was my husband who had the affair,, we do the date night! i lost weight got killer new t!ts and a face lift .. i look 20 years younger .. i did my highschool sweetheart..last year! but if my husband told me the gory details of his affair i know i would hack him up in more than 67 pieces like on snapped..
if you can keep having the killer great sex do it… but don’t invite trouble into the fun, talking! about the @sshole she was Fuc—g.!.make new fun that he is not invited to.. if my husband ever tells me the whole story … WELL all i can say is what to do with his( HEAD).. i would be running the garbage disposal for days getting rid of body parts.. but mam! the police would say why did you cut him in to 67 pieces i would have to say oh well he was a big man.. buy the way… his head is in the freezer i take it out to poke his eyes every hour so i can feel better..it has freezer officer..
I have SO much curiosity about what happened between my hubby and his husband poaching whore. There is a huge part of me that wants all the details and a huge part of me that doesn’t. The visuals already kill me WITHOUT even knowing for sure what happened. I don’t know what kind of advice to offer you, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone, I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. Good luck and lots of peace, love, and joy to you, my friend.