August 2nd, 2010 | 
Author: 
I dated my wife for a year before she became pregnant. She was a young, hot, 105 lb cheerleader when I met her. Naturally after our first child she put on alot of weight. It happens. We had another child and she gained more weight. Never really bothered me. I love her very much, and although we have had our struggles and have very different personalities we have a pretty good relationship.
However in the last year or 2 (which would be many years after having children so that is no longer a viable excuse), she has gained an enormous amount of weight. She weighs more than I do now. It is entirely her fault because she refuses to exercise and will not give up the baked goods and soda (which she binges on). Obesity and heart disease runs in her family, (especially her mother) and I feel like she is on a fast track to just that. I am more worried for her health, self esteem, and quality of life than anything.
However what makes it a little worse is that I have become gradually better looking and getting in better shape since the day we met, while she has gone the complete opposite. I’m a bit of a nutrition and fitness freak, and I have tried literally every approach to involve her and get her motivated. I’ve even broken down and told her that I NEED her to be a part of my hobby because I have no workout partners and I just want to spend time with her more than anything…still nothing. I’ve tried cooking healthy for her, I’ve tried being nice and upping her self esteem telling her she looks great, and I’ve also tried the polar opposite which neither made her budge. I want HER to be happy more than anything and I know she is not happy with herself, yet she chooses to do nothing about it. This brings me to my next issue. The fact that she is basically turning into her mother, who to the extreme has no regard for her own health, is what has lowered my attraction to her. This makes sex completely undesireable for me.
I have 3 options now:
1.force myself somehow to change my feelings about the situation and just have not so good sex with her for the rest of my life or until she somehow miraculously decides to change.
2.look at porn, which I have been doing because it does keep me from choosing option 3 to an extent, although I feel like I am addicted to it and I’d rather not look at all.
3.I have been bartending for years @ nightclubs and on a weekly basis have very attractive women give me their numbers or invite me home with them, and believe it or not even after everything I have NEVER cheated. But I fear that the longer my marriage goes on like this, I could give in to this option.
So how do I stop the porn AND avoid option 3?!?!?
Yeah its def not baby fat, that was 5 years ago. She gained about 60lbs, 30 of it being in the last year or so. I’m worried for her health. Physically I was never turned off by her weight, its only now because of her mentality that she will not change anything, i have no respect for that.
Yes I am married with kids and I bartend at a nightclub, but this is my career that I have been doing for years and I have never strayed. I also do contract work but the economy is not so good right now and I have to do what I have to do to support my family. And you ask me what I’m doing with my brain? I’m what some people might call a muscle geek. I build computers and play video games, I teach music lessons, there is actually ALOT that I do thank you. Healthy eating/exercise is just a passion of mine because it’s something that completely changes the way you live and experience life and something I think EVERYONE should experience. So it hurts when I know the person I love most wont.
Posted in WIFE'S ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT QUESTIONS | 
Tags: Help, life/attraction, married, porn, Towards, turning, wife, women
Be honest with her about your feelings and your thoughts..tell her the Gods honest truth about how her attitude is effecting you and give her a chance to get her head out of her butt…
she must assume all is well.
baby fat? BS. how come the jennifer lopez’s of the world loose their weight after twins but our everyday wives cant. BS. FOUL. they use babies as an excuse not to get their a** in shape. they’re comfortable with us so they let loose. anyways to be fair to her..
maybe she’s unhappy, dnt feel loved blah blah blah. so do ur part as a husband before u do anything else. then throw the brick at her. and porn.BLAH not even a fleshlight can eplace the real thing. cheating. BLAH. not unless ur thinking about it anyway then ur just lookin for an excuse. shame shame shame. and changing ur feelings. i dont think u should. i think that IF u have ALSO made an EFFORT to keep UR WEIGHT under control it’s an honest request for her to do the same.
I think you are doing really well and because you are doing really well then you can continue to do well.
She is neglecting you, not you neglecting her. You have done everything possible to help her and now you cant do anymore. I just wish all guys were like you. The thing you should not do is stray. Once you stray theres no looking back because you will just want more. Porn is safe to a certain extent but you will also want more of that and less of your wife. I think you need some space, some space to think about your next step. If I was you I would show your wife what you have wrote on here after you have a good ample of replies. If my husband had wrote what you had wrote and I read it I would be flabbergasted. How can she not see that you care, you care about her health and wellbeing, you obviously love her very much, she is very lucky to have you.
Kick the porn in the butt if you are not already addicted. Girls at the bar, well you are always going to get girls at the bar. After a few drinks they will ask you back to their place and they will give you their numbers, thats life unfortunately and I know something like this will boost your ego but you love your wife. If the sex part of your marriage really bothers you and you are afraid of straying then think of something else to do, try a new hobby to take your mind off it for a while. I believe in marriage very much and I believe you are strong. Continue with the fight you have right now in regards to your wife. Buy her flowers or perfume and tell her that you love her everyday. Never look at her in disgust, she will pick up on it. I wish you all the best and I pray your wife will sit and listen and that the love she has for you will blossom and you will continue to love her no matter what. x
Imagine how she must be feeling to know (after all your harping) you don’t like her body anymore and that you instead masturbate over pornography (all those cliche perfect bimbos) just so you don’t cheat on her. Read that again. Imagine how that must feel. No wonder she eats herself into oblivion. If she had any self esteem at all she would loose some weight, you’re right. You. You know how you prevent yourself from cheating? You have compassion for your wife.
You have to be honest with her. You have to tell her how when your at work Every HOT young gal is Hitting on you and NO you have no cheated, but because she has let herself go those hot young things are looking better and better and it is scaring the LIFE out of you.
Also how much weight has she put on. 10, 20, 30 cuz thats not much. Now if its 50 100 or more ok. But I first have to say. It is very hard to loose baby weight. Unless you have MONEY to fork out on her to get a Trainer and Special food & possibly Lipo suction like all the stars get after a baby. Yes that can range from thousands of dollars and is risky cuz it is a surgery. But STARS have to do this in order to keep there jobs.
Stay true to your wife and when she looses weight you’ll be glad you did. Honestly I gained a lot of weight after 4 babies and I looked terrible. but Im finally loosing it my little one is going on five though. So it took time. But now I actually am getting back down and looking better. I still have more to loose but I do catch guys checking me out now.
So Work on your PORN problem cuz it is going to make you think terribly about women. I think it already is. You are already seeing women at your work at possible one night stands. NOT GOOD!!!! You dont need all those filthy imagies in your mind. But you already know this I can tell.
Your a good man for sticking it out with your wife. Not many good men left these days. Keep up the work and talk to your wife. If she really knew how you were feeling IM positive she wouldnt want to loose you to some slutty women just cuz she wouldnt go work out with you!!!!!
well, the first problem you have is you are a father of two and married man – and you work at nighbclubs…– hello??.. what are you thinking… so you are a fitness and nutrition buff – but what do you do with your brain?… of course you are going to focus on the outer looks of people, including your wife..
though I empathize with you – you have to be realistic, you do not know what a woman’s body goes through during pregnancy… and not everyone has the money for lipo, like J-lo or Brittney…
you have married her – for what- her hot bod? Many men quickly become disillusioned when their main attractor to their partner is based on looks… you yourself, said your personalities are different – so what were you thinking… the holding together factor has to be much deeper than physical attraction… because looks fade — for all of us, even you over time, will become older and less attractive… deal with it…
consider that you are lucky, most women value personality and security over looks.. this is why many unattractive men can get women… they have other qualities women seek… what do you have? Obviously, not much… as you age, your work at nightclubs will fade, you will get older – and you will offer women what?…. hmmmmm..
men valuing their women on looks is akin to women valuing their men for money…. so, it looks like you and your wife better stay together… she is too large to attract other men, and you are too broke… lol kidding!!
Talk to your wife, use porn, or yopur brain and fantasize – that’s normal.. you can imagine her a slim sexy chick and she can envision you having more money that Trump…
Your better option is option 4 — together, go to a counselor… work on getting intimate emotionally and then the sex will thrive – despite her chunk and despite your not being a rockstar…
Take option 3.
She has shown how much she cares for you. Repay her by sleeping with another woman.
You’ve already gone way beyond the call of duty in regards to trying to fix things. Seriously, 99% of men would not try as hard as you to save the marriage. She is extremely lucky to have someone like yourself.
She clearly has some very serious and very deep issues that are causing her self-esteem to be zero. Is she taking medication for mental issues? If so, get her off them and see what happens. She might go nuts a bit but at least you’ll get some insight into what her issues are. If she’s drugged up, then it’s not really her you are with but some mind-altered drone that the Frankensteins at the doctor’s office have created. Get rid of the drugs and see what she’s really like. That’s step one.
If you’ve done that, or if she’s not on drugs, then just keep trying to pry the info. out of her. Show extreme patience and attentiveness. Do not talk, just ask questions and listen. If you do that for a few days straight and still nothing, try talking to a psychologist or marriage counselor. They may not find the exact truth but they will surely point out some issues you haven’t considered. You seem very sincere and so a professional would be in a good position to help.
If that doesn’t work, then make it plain as day that you are ready to leave her if she doesn’t change. Get her to admit that she doesn’t mind that because if she did mind it, she’d take your needs into consideration. It’ll be hard to get such an admission but the logic of it is clear cut and so you must be unrelenting. When she finally does admit it, then you’ll be in a good position to end things amicably. Start talking about specifics of the break-up and find a way to do it with the least amount of pain. Once that’s done, and it will take a few months at least, then you can do your option number 3. Option number 2 should be what you do in the meantime. It’s not a permanent solution, just something to tie you over until you resolve the complex marriage issues.
As long as you continue to love her and care about her it will be difficult for you to step out on her.
Some time back my wife too weighed more than me. No matter what I tried to coax her into doing nothing changed
Then one day she ended up in the hospital. I got there as soon as I could ! The problem ? She had become a diabetic. Lost weight like crazy !
Although she eats right she will not exercise ! Her skin just hangs from her. On the backs of her legs and from her butt ! In a swim suit I have to turn away from her as it makes my stomach queasy.
I still love her as a person and as my wife. But can no longer look at her with no clothes on.
So………. which way do you want yours ?
First your compromising your marriage by thinking that option 3 is an option. 2nd you are a man with logic so you know what happens with option 3. Divorce. Tell your wife she is fat. Say it loud and simple. She may think your jerk but you know what she might change. My husband said it to me and it made me work harder. (I just had my 3rd baby and I was working out. I work at a gym.) But then again are you sure your not gripping because there is somthing more missing in your relationship? Or you could tell her that her diet is giving the kids a very bad view of what healthy eating is and how you want to instill better habits into your kids. If she still eats the junk and disregards you find a friend that tells her that a woman may stay home but she still needs to take care of her self. You could tell her that when you married she was a cheerleader and was thin and you don’t expect her to be like that but does she miss dancing? If yes then sign her up for zumba, hip hop, or even see if there is a cheerleading class in your area and you’ll be happy enough to watch the kids. Good luck.
Just one question: who is looking after the kids? Kids can be every demanding and perhaps your wife is simply too tired to workout. You also mentioned that you work nights on a weekly basis, so I am guessing your wife has to look after kids?
You need to be sensitive about her feelings. You need to encourage her, not to push her. Seriously, by asking her to workout with you is simply too much pressure for her. If you really want her to workout with you, then gain a lot of weight first then lose it all with her together. That will show her you care.
My wife put on weight on purpose because she didn’t want me to find her attractive and make advances. Might be something else is going on underneath.
i can feel the love u have 4 her pls keep it up .the only thing is to persuade her the more .or even treathen her wit fake dirvorce and see if that one can make her make a move .keep on being faithful to her .i know one day she will give in to ur request.goodluck .
It sounds like you have done all the pleading you can do on your own. The only thing left is marriage counseling, leaving, or option 3.
Wow! This was so refreshing to read coming from the opposite sex. I am going through the same thing, only its been only 3 years, and Im starting to not be so attracted to him for the same reasons. Its almost like you want to say, “hey, why is it i have to look good for you to desire but you dont have to at all?” And then you really start blaming yourself, then that goes away and you just feel angry, than finally just plan ol lonely, starting to wonder what else is out there. I think the reason we stay is we care about them and feel they must suffer from depression. so we stay, sacrifycing ourselves for them. I really have been thinking that I need that intimacy you just cant get pleasuring yourself. Porn is just a visual aid for men, i know, i just think its also a little disrespectful to us good women who are sweet, loving, and yes, sometimes freaky and want to live out our fantasies, but its not a respectable thing to get addicted to if you want a respectable woman to love you.
lose the porn.
find someone that cares what they look like.
find intamacy again.
move on.
You sound like a great guy, wish i would have met you first, i love sex
First of all, your a father…. and what would you do if one of your kids caught you jerking off to porn? I mean, really… and cheating.. diseases? What would you tell your kids if you got HIV because the condom broke? Your a dad …. yes, the marriage is important for sure but parenting is too, especially when you decide to bring them into the world….. they didn’t ask to be in the middle of you and your wife’s problems. You do, however, need to be up front and honest with your wife. Tell her what you said in here…. your turned off by her attitude and her weight so you look at porn… and you have become more tempted… you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the marriage but you cant live like this much longer. she needs to get her health back and your willing to support that but your not willing to support her killing herself when she has a young family.
I can sympathize with you to a point. when I married my husband I was a very good looking woman, athletic, tall and tanned…. I had a baby at 36 and you know what… I did gain a lot of weight as well and because we lived in an isolated community where its winter 8 months of the year, I didn’t lose it, in fact I gained… I looked bad…. and not once did my husband look the other way… because he loved me and he loved our child and that was important to him. I did end up losing most of the weight, five years later…. once I got my mojo back….. I realize now I was depressed…. and perhaps your wife is too. We take a real crap kicking hormone wise after the birth of a child and some of us never quite get ourselves balanced without some help……. you have to continue being patient but you also have to be honest…. so tell her how you feel….. and support her when she decides you and her family are worth getting into shape.
If you cant be with her anymore, then just tell her… don’t cheat or do the porn thing….. be a man and be honest.
Well I sympathize with your pain. I too was once addicted to porn but I somehow managed to quit back in Dec. 2003, and I occasionally run into it and have to click off of it before I get too involved but I’m not out looking for it and I have the strength to click off of it. You have a very difficult situation that not many people on here have asked questions about. Let me tell you this, it would be better to tell her you would like to get her stomach stapled or save up for lipo-disolve or lip-suction or even laser surgery can help now a days, and tell her that you love her and that you want your wife back. If that doesn’t work tell her about what your running into at work with the woman and that you have never cheated but that it’s getting very difficult to stay faithful.
This sounds like a bad idea but trust me it will be better than having to live with the guilt of cheating on her for sleazy sex that doesn’t mean anything than to have her go to court and take everything away from you and have to feel guilty. Also have you ever tried marriage counseling? I know that Porno will only continue to make you have un-realistic views of what you want in your sex life with the perfect bodies etc. but it’s not very practical really and you can’t expect to find woman like that that will be good parents etc. and that won’t cheat on you when you marry them.
I’m a married man that got off Porn and found a beautiful wife with a boob job and she seemed very loving and caring and into me until about 1 1/2 mo. into the marriage and now she got pregnant on the honeymoon and our son is born and we haven’t so much as had sex for 4 months because she lied and deosn’t really love me, all I’m sayin as finding a hot woman is not always all it’s cracked up to be.. Yeah the sex was good while I was getting it and then she started talkin divorce.. Just be careful, I’d rather have you do Porn than sleep with another woman but honestly it’s almost just as bad.