July 30th, 2010 | 
Author: 
We’ve been seperated for almost 3 years now, and our divorce settlement is a few weeks away from being finalized. We have a 4 year old daughter together. It was a very bad breakup and we didn’t speak or have any contact for about a year and a half…working with our families to take care of our kid. This past summer we started a dialogue and we have been able to re-establish our friendship in effort to raise our daughter without conflict. However, I have become increasingly concerned for her health and well being lately and I’m not sure what to do or how to approach it.
When we started talking again this summer, she had a boyfriend in California (3000 miles away) and they were ‘together’ pretty much since I had moved out. A few weeks later she called me crying, and told me she’d been getting drunk alot and sleeping with another guy. She dumped the guy she had been cheating with, and the guy in CA dumped her. She was upset that she had sabatoged yet another relationship in her life, and cited depression, heavy drinking and partying as the source for her bad decisions. For a few weeks I checked up on her and she said she was doing better, not drinking and not partying. All seemed better.
This past weekend she called me again…crying. She is apparently back to her old ways of drinking, partying and sleeping with casual acquaintances. She had apparenly put some amount of faith in her latest “friend”, but could not deal with certain realities about him so she dumped him. Once again, she cited depression, heavy drinking and partying for her poor judgement. She has also admitted a couple recent close calls with the law while drinking and driving. We talked at length, and I told her that it is apparent she is repeating the same cycle with every man in her life. She starts out being very affectionate and fully giving up herself and her body to these guys. Then she learns that these people are not who she thought they were and regrets her choices. It’s not even that there’s anything wrong with these guys, she just can’t deal with situations that aren’t ideal for her. She has dumped or cheated on every guy she’s ever been with and has ended these relationships “because she can’t deal with people once she really gets to know them and see that they aren’t all perfect”. She is not permiscuous when she is not drunk, so it’s like she’s a whole other person when she’s partying.
Yesterday, she’s back to “everything is OK” and “I’m going to stop drinking and partying”so much. Basically, now she’s in total denial that there’s any signifigant issue at all…its all under control all the sudden after completely falling apart the day before. I’ve told her that there really is a problem and it’s not OK, and I’m not going to ignore it or just watch her continue hurting herself. I am certain she will revert back to the drinking and party scene after a few weeks. She is definitely taking a lot of risks (sexually and driving drunk) and her drinking / partying is out of hand. She’s a 33 year old mother, but she’s living like a 19 year old college girl. I have our daughter over 60% of the time each week, and I’ve been paying child support for almost 2 years…apparently to fund her nite life. Ironically, I had turned to the bottle as we approached the end of our relationship (to deal with the stress), and she cited that as a major problem at the time. Now the tables have turned and she’s the one binge drinking to cope with her problems. I had more than a few problems when we broke up, and she watched me fall to pieces and drink myself into oblivion. It’s OK now that she’s the one who drinks to cope? I’ve told her a few times lately…she seems like a whole other person than the girl I had married years ago. The “friends” she has, all the booze / weed and the whole party scene she frequents have drastically changed this girl, and destroyed her integrity. Why is she doing this to herself?
When the divorce is settled I am taking 1/2 of the value of our equity in the house and the support will be revoked. I have agreed to joint legal custody but I will not hesitate to seek full custody if she continues on her downward path. She is visibly exhausted when I see her, and she basically refuses to see a counselor even though I provide good insurance for her till the divorce goes through. I keep telling her to take advantage of it while she can. I feel like the divorce will be a real hardship for her due to the reduced income and sale of the house…it may perpetuate or worsen her current behavior. I really worry that she will wait for something to go really wrong before she addresses these issues and starts to deal with her problems. There are definitely some underlying problems from her past that are coming into play, including being molested by her cousin when she was a child, and an alcoholic father. She needs help, and to some degree I still have love in my heart for her…probably always
will. I can’t just stand by and watch her destroy herself, or give herself up to men who really don’t deserve a girl like her. I always felt like she would find someone better than me after we split…I had no idea she would become who she is today.
What more can I do to help her, without being overbearing and over-assertive? I don’t want to push her away. I have told her that I really care about her…she is my child’s mother and our daughter needs her mom to be there for her. Our child also needs a mom that she can be proud of, and not a drunk who keeps giving up her body to guys who don’t respect her and that she ultimately regrets. I just wish I could get her to understand the gravity of the situation before it’s too late. I truly hope she finds her way out of this mess she’s in.
I appriciate any similar stories, constructive feedback or any advice. Please help me help her! Thanks!
Posted in 
Tags:
I don’t care if this is so called juicy or not. WAY TOO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
let me get this right
you pay her to party and sleep around
and you want to know how to help her?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER???
jeez, grow a pair, get custody of your daughter and make sure she is cared for before you do anything else that enables your wife/ex to continue this destructive lifestyle
put your own house in order before trying to help someone else
Sorry but at my age it can’t be juicy enough.
your obligation is to your daughter. You need to do what is best for her. Not what is best for your Ex or yourself. Your daughter;’s needs are priority #1. From what you wrote, you need to petition for sole custody. IMO
It seems to me that you should stay with her. There’s just the slightest tone of arrogance in your writing. A sort of condescending attitude towards her recent behavior, yet you seem to have a firm grasp on it’s causes and effects and probably a good idea of how you can help her. I believe she is not so far gone that you no longer have the ability to help her. I think you do and I think that now is not the time to abandon your wife and mother of your child. Why are we here if not to help each other through difficult times?
wow…way too long. get custody of your daughter…her needs are #1 priority…not yours and not your ex’s.
You make the welfare of your child you only priority…your ex will not change until SHE wants to and quite frankly, she doesn’t want to…
As soon as you can, petition Family Court for full legal & physical custody of your daughter-her mother is currently unfit to care for her. Perhaps if she looses physical custody of the girl it will snap her around…but don’t count on it…All your concern should be with your daughter right now….her mother is secondary. Good luck.
Wow, you are a really good man. The problem is (as I am sure you know) if she is not willing to admit to having a problem, she isn’t going to go for help. The only thing you can continue to do is to encourage her to get help and to take care of herself. I dealt with a family member who was so into drinking and no matter what we said or did, until he was darn good and ready – nothing was done. The fact that she would drink and drive with your child in the car is pretty scary. I think that you should discuss having full custody of your daughter until she does help herself. I would really put my foot down on that one. Other than that- you can just be there. Can you possibly go to an Al-anon meeting maybe just to get an idea of what you can do? I wish you the best and I hope that you realize, your daughter will always love you for being so kind.
Your ex is far beyond any help that you, yourself can provide. It sounds as though that the booze has the control and will remain to until she has the guts to get away from it. Simply put, I would just ask her this… Do you want me to raise our child all alone? Because that is what will be happening if she doesn’t get away from her destructive lifestyle. Once this sinks in, maybe she will be more receptive to the idea of seeking help on her own. You may try to recommend something like this to her but don’t insist as this will cause even more trouble for you. I wish you well.
Sometimes people have to see things for themselves. You can want to help someone till the day you die but if they don’t want help it’s not happening….
sounds like you have alot on your mind. Hope I can help.
After reading your story ( twice) I am still trying to figure out how any of this is your problem? if you let your empathy for her get in the way you will not get the divorce and you will live your life feeling sorry for her. She is a grown ass woman she knows what she is doing. All of these things she chooses to do is her business. Your main obligation is your daughter. It is okay that you feel bad for your soon to be ex-wife, but you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved you’ve done more than enough for her. the best thing to so is let her go.
Goo Luck
It seems that you still do love this woman because your emphasis was on her well-being. Did she also cheat on you? If there’s no hope for you guys to get back together then the focus should be on your daughter. Your ex-wife is SELFISH, but like the good old book says “men love bitches”….no pun intended, but had she been a loving caring mother and wife, you wouldn’t be going all out to help her. The honest truth is, you should get custody of your child and let that be your worry. If at 33 all she wants is new penis from time to time, let her live her life, she’ll get tired one day and decide to make a change that is conducive to her.
From what I see, you had done what you are suppose to do as a friend. Yes, I agreed that she needs professional help on her issues and that is bad for your daughter to has such a problematic mother. As a father to your daughter, seek full custody. Advise her to seek help if she wants joint custody. Hope this will help her to recognise her problems. Good luck.
are you the one giving all these thumbs down to the people that have your daughters best interest at heart? If so then Your daughter needs to be taken away from both of you. Doesn’t sound like the poor soul has a chance at growing up to be a healthy responsible adult. I feel sorry for your daughter. She deserves better then all this.
My wife and I are separated right now and have been for a month and a half. Our 12yr anniversary is next month, but she has left me, taken the kids and moved in with a guy that she has more than likely been cheating on me with prior to leaving. This has caused me to move back in with my mother. Now, I still love her and always will just like you do your wife. We have 2 biologically and three that I have helped raise since they were 5yrs, 2yrs, and 5mos old for a total of 5 kids. What you are struggling with is your need to be the father that your daughter needs while watching her mother self destruct. My wife isnt dealing with the same issues that yours is, but she is involved with a vagina who if he was 1/2 the man he should be would wait until our situation was over. This punk doesnt have a job, her van is broke down, he doesnt have a car, her hours have been cut, she is going through. My solution is like yours, to seek full custody, because children need their fathers. As for your wife and mine, they might have to hit rock bottom before their lives change, and as much as that may bother you, you cant let your kid hit the bottom with her. Pray and let God guide you on your next move.
She needs a lot of help, needs to grow up. You need to be responsible and get custody of your girl and not let her any were near your ex or your daughter will grow up exactly like her. Do you want that?
She’s an alcoholic. Just like her dad. She has to see that SHE has the problem. Until then, take full custody of your daughter because she is learning how to become an adult from her alcoholic, promiscuous mother. You really dont want that, do you?
my heart goes out to you for it is never easy to see a love one slowly destroy himself or herself and get pushed away when all you want is to help; the sad thing of this is that only she can change if she wants (“but I want to change”) yet her actions say otherwise. Her behavior as destructive as it is can be changed or at least assessed–it well can be related to her sexual abuse and for this I would say she is trying to destroy herself, and as many “friends” or “relationships” she gets into “She has dumped or cheated on every guy she’s ever been with and has ended these relationships “because she can’t deal with people once she really gets to know them and see that they aren’t all perfect”(this is an excuse for there is no one here on earth that is perfect but it gives her reason to end it or she just wants to continue “looking” for someone else–continue her destructive behaviors), she will still find ways to sabbatage them for it is not a relationship she is looking for but an escape from her hurt; therapy can help her deal with the real reason (those secrets that she does not share with anyone for they are hers alone but are affecting her life-she needs to gain insight of them to overcome them and learn that she does not have to follow these “notions” set by her early childhood ecperiances–sexual abuse–”you are a dirty little girl” which might give light as to why she goes from one relationship to another–she is living to the names she was given by the abusers, but she needs to be willing to go there.
Her pattern of behavior shows she needs to go and see a counselor to help her deal with these for if these continue, there is a sad reality–she will end dead some where or by someone and your child will be lesf alone. In therapy she will be allowed to open up the her life and see where she is with you, your child, and herself. but again she needs to want to change not just say she wants to change.
What can you do? not much for you have done good (you came out of your own issues) by her side (have insurance for her still) and once the divorce is final, it will be up to you if you still want to be close or not(it appears you are a good man for you do still care for her but she is slowly destroying herself). Not sure what destroyed your marriage but it appears she had something to do with it but this comes only after hearing from you. Take her to a therapist one that does follow the code of ethics so she will not get hurt once more. Peace out.
1) She doesn’t deserve you. 2) She needs AA. 3) You need Al-anon to help give you the tools to deal with an alcoholic soon-to-be-ex-wife.