July 29th, 2010 | 
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He is more self centered and secretive I think than while he was drinking. He goes to AA chairs a meeting as well and still hasn’t done half of the steps especially apologizing to the wife who stood by him all this time. Help
Posted in WIFE'S ALCOHOLISM TREATMENT QUESTIONS | 
Tags: alcoholic, apologizing, hurt, recovering, start, they, Those
He’s in denial, I am sure. He doesn’t want to accept the fact that his drinking did in fact hurt/affect others around him.
he’s doing all he can by taking the first step of going to those meetings.. its not an easy process.. but don’t worry.. with given time he will =)
There’s not much more selfish than an addict. If he’s truly in recovery and working on the steps, he should acknowledge his screw ups. It’s a huge part of the process.
You need to go to al anon to help you with being a spouse of an alcoholic. The sad fact is that you have also ended up with issues (through no fault of your own) that need addressing.
Take it from one who knows and is now living a better life with her alcoholic husband.
i know someone online who always drinks and then they say they dont drink that much but they drink like every night my friend didnt appolgize to her boyfriend! so maybe your friend wont apologize ethier…
Step 9 of the 12 step program.
She should be the first one to get an apology. Sadly enough she is being taken for granted. You have to work the program (AA) for it to be successfull. I pray that he will realize this before it is too late.
he may or may not most of them do not want to realize that they hurt people and don’t want to own up to it
He will get there eventually. You might want to get some counseling as well.
promising to not drink again…..and actually not EVER drinking again
Well his recovering will NEVER be true & complete unless he faces this end of his actions & consequences and there isn’t anything that anyone else can do – just like before when he was drinking.
The consequences are HIS to own, face and deal with and until he claims them as his own and recognizes his mistakes and the hurts he’s inflicted on others – his recovery WILL be halted and REALITY will never truly be part of this equation I’m afraid.
He has nothing but TIME though – I would imagine everyone deals with their own demons in different ways, times etc… and perhaps he hasn’t grown to the point where he can do this part of it – but it’s certainly part of the process – at some point of another. The pain he has caused others will never be fully healed with his apology – you must realize. But still,I know it’s nice to atleast HEAR. Facing our own choices and consequences is not an easy thing to do – for anyone. He has got to help himself – his higher power, his AA group, his sponser – all are there to help & support him, but ultimately the choices are his, as always. TIME – patience – forgiveness need to come from you too – or his wife…..
Go to Al Anon meetings. You will get a better understanding and it will really help you to realize how living with him has affected your life and how to get back on the right track.
I was married to an alcoholic for 18 years. He didn’t get help but I did and divorced him.
Since you have chosen to stay (kudo’s to you) then go to some meetings and you will feel so much better. They really did help me.
There is also Al Ateen if you have any children.
Best of luck
When the time is right he will begin the process of making amends. Hang in there it will br worth it in the end.
Are you attending Al-Anon(I think that what it is caLLED FOR FAMILIES OF aa PEOPLE) if not you might consider it.
He will start apologizing when he starts feeling truly sorry, and when he is able to see how much he has actually hurt others. It’s way down on the list of 12 steps, because it takes a while to get there.
give it time. it take alot of it to deal with addiction. be happy he is trying to change and support him. let him know you are there for him. right now everything is being done in HIS own time to really recover.
probably never your job is to be supportive “unconditionally”
and trust me we all know that’s a lonely job.. At the top of my page is my e-mail address stay in touch
alot wont apologise cause for so long they were in denial. they didnt believe they were doing wrong. over a long period of time, a alcoholic’s brain cells die due to excessive drinking. Even tho he is recovering it only takes a taste of beer to start them off again. Good luck with it all, and hope he succeeds
It’s a process which can take several months to several years. Sadly, so many of those that have been hurt by the alcoholic sit on the side lines, cheering them on to a better life, encouraging them to “live one day at a time”, etc…You’ll need to understand that this is his time of healing, making “amends” to himself is his first priority. Find out if there is an Al-Anon program in your area. You’ll get the support & people who understand what your going through. I did and it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself! You’ve carried your alcholic long enough let him work the program,and you work yours. Best of luck to you! Your not alone…
Former alcoholic, former AA member here. Sober ~10 years.
Timing of steps varies a lot. Some people believe in staying on the first step for a year before moving on to the other steps.
“Amends” is step nine. But an amends is not an apology alone. An amends is an apology plus a commitment to change the behavior that hurts the other person. If your husband says he’s sorry but changes nothing, what’s that really worth? If you’re angry now because he hasn’t apologized, how will you feel if he does so but keeps on being the same old self-centered jerk?
AA can be a very strange thing; many families don’t like it because it seems as though the person who used to ignore the family because of drinking is now doing so because of AA. Often, however–this was the case with me–the person does back off AA after awhile (2-3 years) and begins to focus on other things. This is especially true if the person gets therapy in addition to AA.