January 9th, 2010 | 
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I believe our last lovemaking session — if you could call it that — was Wednesday or so. It mostly consisted of her barking commands and me going along like a robot, as usual. In any case, I am planning to have a deep and meaningful conversation with my wife very soon about some indiscretions of hers that I have been made aware of, and was wondering if there is a set time one should have between lovemaking, and, if it comes to this, asking for a separation.
I’m not leaving my wife high and dry. She earns an excellent income and has the services of our au pair, Krystka. The separation shouldn’t be a major ordeal for me. I own a small cottage next door, and the kids and even Krystka could pop by whenever my wife is her oftentimes belligerent (or drunk) self. While my cottage is old and has water issues and just an old B&W TV that gets 2.5 channels, it’s fine by my bohemian standards. I have funds.
I hope it doesn’t come to this, but can one ask for separation if he/she just had sex?
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Stop being intimate with her. That’s like lying to her. You’re using her and now you’re mad at her for some reason, but you’re still willing to use her. Oh brother. How modern and quaint.
yeah, haven’t you heard of break up sex?
You shouldn’t have slept with her if you were deciding on a seperation…………. explain things over with her and don’t have sex with her again this can be a emotional roller coaster for her as well as you!
Yes you can say it now, it isnt like you just rolled out of bed, it was a few days ago. But if you hate her hat much why do you do it with her? If she is cheating on you you dont have to wait anyway, its her own fault.
So you’ve finally gotten to this point. I don’t understand why you’re still intimate with her if you’re convinced she’s having an affair, but whatever. I don’t believe there’s a waiting period on getting out of the relationship regardless of whether or not sex was involved. Sit down and tell her, then do what you feel you need to do.
I guess men must be different but if I’m having a problem with my spouse, there’s no way I can be intimate with him… not until it is resolved. If you’re thinking of divorce, don’t be intimate with her. That will just confuse her. So wait awhile, then broach the subject.
HOW is it that people can be intimate when they do not FEEL anything positive towards the other person… what does that tell me about YOU? If the woman turns you OFF, than KEEP it off, tell her you are leaving, then DO IT – quit pretending you care about her when obviously you do not.
Man up. If you want a divorce then stop laying with her and tell her how it is. It’s that simple. Hello? Anybody home?
I would tell her but not when she is drunk. Or after making love. Do it as soon as possible.
Here comes the judgmental SOB’s in droves. I think you have to go with how you feel. There is no set time limit for anything in the world. Of course our culture and society most likely disagrees with that statement, but you can’t live your life completely based on everyone else. Maybe you have been entertaining this idea for a while, maybe it just dawned on you because of the last “lovemaking” experience. The point here is that you need to be upfront with yourself and your wife. If you are not happy, you should tell her. Tell her exactly how you feel and what troubles you about the relationship. You don’t have to be rude about, but explain what you think needs to happen. Nothing will change until you let her know. Spend sometime thinking about what you want to say, and then craft the message specifically for your wife. Maybe things will get better or perhaps the wheels will truly fall off the bus, either way you are better off. Be true to thy own self! Good luck.
You shouldn’t be having a physical relationship with her if you want to end the relationship. If you were with her Wednesday and found out about the indiscretions Thursday, that would be one thing. But for now, stop the physical relationship completely. I don’t think there is a right or wrong amount of days, depending on the circumstances. Make sure when you do have the conversation, no one else is there. Maybe you can ask Krystka to take your child/children out somewhere for the day so you and your wife have time to talk, yell, whatever happens and work through this long before the kids come home. Make sure Krystka knows what’s going on so she can help the children with their feelings as well and she doesn’t feel blindsided by the news or as though her position or safety is in jeopardy. If you feel you want a separation or divorce, I think everyday you go on hiding that from you wife is a lie. Tell her.
Make sure you get good sex the way you want it the nite before she gets served with the divorce papers.
Good question, bro, and obviously you’ve put some thought into this.
In my second divorce the separation started ten seconds after a fantastic sex session. It was a night out, we’d gone to a hotel to get away from the three year old, it was the hotel we’d gotten married in, we had a great time at the bar, she was all over me in the elevator, and she wouldn’t even wait for me to light the candles. We had hot steamy sex, and when it was over, I lay there stroking her hair and she said the most amazing thing.
“I’m not in love with you anymore. I’m not attracted to you anymore. I never want to touch you again. I never want to f**k you again.”
Time froze. I could barely see her eyes, it was so dark. I paused a few seconds, hearing the echo of her words, and remembering why I’d pushed so hard to get her to go out to the hotel with me every weekend, because she had become so reluctant to have sex with me.
I remembered how she had asked me to move into the spare bedroom because I snored. I told her, the day I sleep in a separate bedroom it’ll be in a separate house with a separate woman in the bed.
I remembered how she kept talking about this client rep named Bob and how he was so handsome and reminded her of what I looked like when she first met me and fell head over heels for me. Bob seemed to come up in every single conversation with her. I had wondered secretly whether my wife were bobbing on Bob.
I remembered how she always hated long fingernails or any kind of nail polish, and just about the time she started talking about Bob, she’d started going to the nail salon every week and got long red nails. When I communicated appreciation for them, saying something like, “I want you to run those down my skin,” she growled, “they’re not for you, it’s for business.”
I remembered how she had stared going to the garage and locking herself in her car so she could talk on the phone at night while I put the kid to sleep.
And finally I remembered that Monday, how we were in our small bathroom at the same time and my hand brushed her forearm and she shivered in disgust like a spider had touched her, then tried to act like it didn’t happen.
I came back to the present. It had been twenty seconds since her “inverse wedding vow.” I got up from the bed and started getting dressed, and said, “This marriage is over. I want us to disassemble it like the adults we are. I’m moving to a hotel tomorrow. When you’re ready, we’ll talk about how we’re going to split the dishes.”
She got dressed and started crying on the walk to the car. Normally if she ever cried I’d hug her and comfort her, but not tonight. I drove her home in silence, went to bed. She slept in the guest room. In the morning I got up, packed a bag, and took off my wedding ring and put it in her jewelry drawer. I kissed my daughter good-bye and drove to a hotel by the construction site I worked at.
I never touched her again. We negotiated the property settlement by email. I got an apartment near the house and had my daughter half the time.
She tried to make a go of it with Bob, but once she was single he freaked out — he liked that she couldn’t ask for more of a commitment from him. Now free and available, he wanted nothing to do with her. A few months later Bob was walked to the parking lot for looking at internet porn at work and emailing naked pictures of his new girlfriend to coworkers.
I signed up to Match dot com and the result was the Hundred Girls Project, a two year search for a girlfriend through the absurdity of mid-life dating, replete with amazing if empty sexual encounters (see link below to read the story).
In your situation, I’d blow off the “meaningful and deep conversation with the wife” and communicate with actions. Just move out and take your stuff. In short order your wife will want to know what the deal is. Tell her you will communicate by email (this is great because you then have a record of it for your attorney).
Sit down with some attorneys and protect your assets and income, if not for you, for your kid or kids so you have some money to take care of them during the time you have them. So many men blame themselves during a divorce and say they’ll just let her have everything. Don’t do it, bro! You’ll regret it later.
Hopefully your attorney will be a father’s rights advocate and can protect you more than you can protect yourself.
Go on to be a good ex-husband and co-parent. If you do this right, you can even become friends again with your ex and someday you can even laugh about it over a pot of coffee or bottle of wine.
Good luck, pal. Let us know how it goes.
And please consider me for “Best Answer.”
http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls
http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/internetdatingadvice/
My husband and I had sex less than 1.5 days before he left. It boggles my mind that he could claim to love me, act like he loved me, make love with me and within 36 hours hate me completely when not much of anything happened in between.
It is cruel to do that to a woman!
how can u sleep with her since she is cheating on you? u got that hot au pair just waiting for u wait tell the divorce and she is all yours. that being said why would u leave your kids with a drunk? get a good lawyer and u stay in the big house and she can live with her k-mart cowboy boyfriend they can live off her income and eat fat-fast- food and drink beer all day and nite and u can raise your kids with krystka in tow. i am sure your artistic abilities will improve after the Big D is over.
I don’t think there is any protocol for this. When the time is right to bring it up, then it’s the right time. Unless you are in the act of or have just finished making love, you have to go with what you’re feeling. It doesn’t sound like what you and your wife had was a lovemaking session, though. It sounds more like she wanted “servicing” and you were available and obliged. Sorry to be so blunt, but from everything you describe, it just doesn’t sound like there is any tenderness or real caring there.
At any rate, you two had sex on Wednesday so there has been enough time passed since then, and your wife initiated it, not you. I don’t think she’s the type of woman who is going to feel “used” and taken advantage of. You know her better than anyone on here, so do what you think is proper and right for you. If you want to try to work it out with her, tell her so. You can give her some options to ponder. Maybe you’ll finally know what she’s really thinking and how much she truly cares. The question is, what do you really want and how much do you truly care about her as a wife and a person? Do you think there may still be any hope for the two of you and can you forgive her cheating, if she was sorry for it? You really have sounded pretty miserable these past weeks and I hope you find the right answer soon. This kind of situation is never easy, no matter what.